You Can Fly - Comments

Title:There’s just something about this title that gives me a sense of hope you know? It’s like saying, “you can do anything.”

Layout:I love everything about this, especially the colors. This is the type of layout that I love.

Content:First, I love that you set this in London, it gives me a small sense of familiarity since the movie took place there. You did wonderfully taking the quote and twisting it to make a lovely story. I will say that the dialogue confused me at first and I had to go back and read it once more to keep up.

I love how she’s two timing. Bloody hell, I never thought I’d say that. But ever since I was a little kid I’ve had a crush on Peter. And I will admit I smiled when I read that she married him. It’s like my little fantasy, without the cheating haha.

I think my favorite part, or rather parts, of this was the quote. I love how you brought it into the story and even added “you can fly” and when I read the very last line I got the song stuck in my head haha.

P.S- I am one of the co-editors of the Darker than Disney contest which is why I wrote this review. :D

(On a Scale of 1-10)

Plot: (6) I believe you underdeveloped this plot. I liked all the elements building up in the story but I did not feel like every element was fully thought through, explained, and made useful. The existence of Dan was a brilliant start, but he was not important enough in the story. I think the drugs should have made a greater impact, or at least should have been brought in earlier. She seemed like a normal girl, and drugs do not mix with normal people. If she is a drug addict, then she needed to act like one. Dazed, confused, and lost. The husband being named Peter had power to try to relate to the Peter Pan, but they were uncorrelated therefore this created a useless energy, unused. This plot has all the potential to become a better story, this is a good story and with a bit of story editing it can be wonderful.

Description: (7) The description in this story was good. In Ellie's place, I really felt like I was at loss of hope, trapped in the horrible feeling of desperation that clenches even the best of writers and the best of people. I especially enjoyed the same paragraph she wrote every night before she went to sleep, slumped like a rumpled trash. I really liked how you relayed Peter's feelings and how you described his view on his wife's addictions and how he can do nothing about it.

Word Choice: (7) This could have been improved upon, to make it a more mature story since the characters are married, and must be over at least 20. It was sufficient enough, but always room for improvement.

Character Development: (7) I believe Ellie was again sufficiently played through. We understood her situation, her back-story, her life vaguely. But her as a character I believe we could have went deeper into. I loved Peter simply because his whole attitude I grasped the most, but to fully give him life I think you should have given him a little extra to make him more of an original character. Maybe a job, a hobby, what he does during the day. Find some way to incorporate him more originally into the story rather than as the supportive sad soul. Dan was lacking...and with the little involvement he had, i would almost rather he not have spoken at all. i think you should just have her come in, alone, without Dan clouding her thoughts. Maybe have her thinking about the drugs, and hopefully how she can find her Neverland...forgetting completely about Peter.

Relevance: (8) I believe since this story was supposed to be inspired by Peter Pan you were again only sufficient. I could see the vague references, You can Fly, and of course the actual quote used from the contest. But I believe you could have referenced to it more, or not at all.

Overall I give this story a hard 6. It was a good story, but there is room for improvement.