Violent Visions - Comments

First off, I want to say that I really love the tone you set up in the oneshot. It instantly felt dark and cold and murderous, and that was really good. I’m not usually very fond of murder/mystery type stories, but you certainly drew me in with your writing. :) You have excellent details and descriptions and I love that because it’s so, so important, especially in a short story or a oneshot. I really love the plot, too – how he goes back in time to the date of the murder. It’s really unique. The end got sort of confusing; I had to read it over a few times to make sense of what was happening. Maybe going through that and clearing it up a bit will help on coherence. :) Other than that, it was really good!

<3 Haven

Jon took his seat at his couch - took a seat on or; Jon sat on his couch

except it had this wraith-like sound - it had - keep with the tense

Jon.” He spoke aloud. - comma and a lower case 'h.'

He no longer was in his apartment; - I think this would be better phrased as He was no longer in his apartment

to get a clue where, no when he was. - where, no - when or no, where, no, when

Something’s not right. He thought to himself feeding - comma and a lower case 'h.'

Something’s not right! He yelled - lower case 'h.'

What was wrong with him!? - either an exclamation mark or a question mark, not both.

It was the only a dream! - the doesn't need to be in there.

right,” Her voice - lower case 'h.'

not right.” Repeated Tracy - right," Tracy repeated

Tracy.” said the man who - comma

“STOP! JONATHAN STOP!” - you don't need to capitalize everything.

as a pool of blood expanding around her. - expanded

matching exactly of those of the girl - you don't need that first 'of' in there.

I think it was pretty neat how he went back in time and was there for the murder, but I liked most was how symbolic it was as well. Like, it was his mother and his father killed her - and she was pregnant with him (obviously the baby was saved), but it was neat that while he thought he was invisible...he was there - and that can be seen with the fact that his mother was pregnant with him. I liked how that could be one reading of it. I also think it was neat how his mother died twice - once for real, and the other in his head, and that he died as well. And, it's kinda funny, because when his mother died - a bit of him would've died too. I just like the eeriness of how he didn't wake up from his sleep. :) It was mysterious and well thought out. :)

I just think you might need to watch your punctuation, take note of how things are meant to happen after dialogue and the tense of some of your words. :)

I give it a million stars. But i dont know how. Technology. yuck

Yay! I'm glad you actually entered it. :) I love this story.