Satellite Heart - Comments

I actually don't have anything negative to say about this. I just don't really like the layout. But that's besides the point. The way you portrayed this disease was fantastic. The words you used and how it seemed to be in his whole family. Ugh, I just don't even have words to explain how beautiful and talented you are. This is a crappy review comment but just you win at everything.

Pre-write contest review:

Okay so, uh, let me just start out by saying I'm super super especially really sorry for this being late. I got held up on things for about a week there, so yeah. Sorry again.

Layout:
The layout goes perfectly with the story, and I love the banner. It doesn't have any credits for anyone else making it, so I'm assuming you did, and great job. It's lovely. <3

Grammar & spelling:
I didn't find any mistakes that stood out, so nice job on that. :)

Content:
So. Wow. That's seriously the only thing I could think when I finished this. I know about everyone else has said this, but your imagery is amazing. Seriously. I love how real and raw the emotions were and how you could really tell what Tyler was feeling. I liked being able to understand what it's like to go through something like that and constantly feel guilty for something that wasn't his fault. I thoroughly enjoyed this. I was little confused at the end. I'm guessing what happened was that he tried to kill her...? And then she wasn't dead, I guess? Anyway, I loved the emotion in this, and the guilt he felt for years; I felt really terrible for him. This was a lovely piece. <3

I love your use of words and your sense of imagery.
There's nothing else to critique, it's quite amazing.

Chapter Three
Crappy chapter? Definitely not.
I think it might have been my favorite. Because I love how you described the ugly, black shadows that were there, always there, consuming him. I love how you describe Angelique and how she's the heaven that he's always longed for, regardless if he knew that he would be put in hell someday for his insanity.

And I realized that with a heart of blackened stone it was the closest to Heaven that I would ever reach.
That was my favorite line in this chapter. I don't know why, but I really loved it. I love all the parts about your describing her, and how she's such a contrast to the shadows and blackness inside of him.

Wonderfully written. (:

Chapter Four
That ending was, well, expected since you hinted to it in the previous chapter.
But wow. It was so intense and the wording and everything - it was just crazy. The whole thing was so great and I don't know what else to say.

Your writing is so perfect and detailed but in the best of ways.

I liked how you linked two illnesses together. I didn't know, but then again I don't know much about either of those illnesses. You did a wonderful job, though, illustrating to us readers the way Tyler truly was insane.

Anyway, I really liked this.
I don't see how I couldn't possibly place this.
Because it was amazing and original and I loved it so much.<3

So I haven't read all of this so this comment will be kind of weird. But dude...I just...you suck. You're such an incredible writer my dear. Like I want to hump half of your plotlines. Mostly all of them but still. I love the use of your vocabulary and the imagery and the everything of this. And this comment is making zero sense since I can't seem to see straight since I'm really jittery. But trust me when I say this is incredible.

You are a God at making layouts. <3

I love how sad it is. I think it's sad. I feel drawn to it, its so amazing I can't describe it in words.
The whole entire thing reeks of poison, in a good way. I have no words to describe it, its that amazing.

You're like a God at layout making, I swear. But moving on.

I love you you describe the insanity taking over her body, like all I can think about his this black liquid just flowing through his body and just consuming him. Like the poison is a hand travelling throughout. All of the detail is super awesome, seriously. How he turns into this like evil creature thing, but then it shows that he doesn't really. The insanity is purely in his mind, and not like actually there like I first thought it was going to be.

I feel so bad for him though, that must be really harsh. And it obviously really engraved something in his mind when he gives her the gun. I love the contrast between them, how he's always referring her as an angel and him insanity. More than anything I just love how you describe everything, like how he sees his father beside him, and then the creature telling him that he's almost infecting her with his darkness.

I can understand why he'd want to be with her, almost like since she's a part of him there's a little part of good inside too. I just adore how absolutely insane this guy is, it's my absolute favourite part because it always keeps me guessing on what's going to happen next. I love the ghastly apparitions and everything.

I'm totally subscribing, this is awesome.
:D

I'm so glad I read this! Your idea is extremely orignal, and creative. From the first line, it leaves the reader in suspense, and wondering where it is going to go. Your layout is beautiful, and it complements the story wonderfully. Your writing is impeccable as is your word choice. The entire story flows perfectly, which is hard to do.

You write with so many details, that it paints a vivid image of what's happening in the readers mind. Bravo. Not many authors have the ability to do that.

Angelique is a beautiful name. You introduced her in such a way, it was perfect. I don't think you could have changed it to make it any better.

All in all, I have absolutely no criticism for this story. It is beautiful, and I am anxious to see where it goes!

Love this story. Your writing is fluent and beautiful. And the dark atmosphere it gives makes it even more attractive.

Chapter One
The way you introduced Angelique was so perfect. To be honest, I don't think if could have possibly been any better than it was. I have an image in my head of what she looks like, and the way she looks at him, and then I have the image of him just longing so badly to be with her no matter his flaws and, in this case, insanity.

Such powerful scenes, right in a row. I like that. I like the way you're jumping around and giving us more of an idea about Tyler, to form our own opinion about him. His mother was crazy, and it says that his dad was more crazy. I think that's just vague enough for us to want to know more than you're giving out for us to know.

Three powerful scenes.
Good lord you are a good writer. That last part was very original, like, from the beginning, I'd been expecting one thing, and by the end, I was thinking completely differently. The fact that you have that ability makes me jealous. (:

Chapter Two
Okay, at this point, I realize that the manner in which you are writing it will be all powerful, important scenes. I think that's a really good idea, and I never would have thought about doing that. rkwlmh you're such a genius. :D

I just feel so bad for Tyler.
At first, the idea was so cool for him, and then when it happened, he realized that he would be like his mother. And the way his mother ended must have had him scared that it would be how he ended, too, even if he was told that it was the right way. Death can't not be scary, you know?

Wow, everything about the part with his dad.
The way you described him, the way he didn't know exactly how to say what he need to for Tyler to hear. Just everything was so perfect.

The last few lines were so intense.
They're lingering in my mind after reading.

I can't wait for the next chapter to come out!

this layout/banner is gorgeous :)
you're great at it :D
even in the first paragraph i can tell you're a great writer
you explained things with anaolgys, and I loved it :D
i love you explained insanity coming to you :) love that!
aww her mother is dead :( that's so sad
wow, very very deep prologue
the way she is explaining how insane she has become is so real
you did an absolutely amazing job with this, honestly
you're a great writer! and this idea is pure genius :)

I can't leave a wicked long comment, but, God, I loved this. This was... for lack of a better word, crazy.

There was a kind of relatableness to it, but then, I'm kind of insane myself and battle with schizophrenia, so I can kind of relate to where he's coming from. However, I haven't gotten to that point yet, and just wow, I was overcome with emotion reading this. This all makes me want to read more, I want to know how his insanity will affect Angelique and how she will react to it. She seemed a bit... Weak, shall I say? Not in how she didn't shoot him, that was more of a show of strength, but just the way she took it all. She seemed like the type of character who wouldn't be able to handle it all.

All in all, I loved this. I thought it was strange and mysterious and beautiful. I want to know more, about Tyler, about his Mother, about Angelique. It's so intriguing, and I'll never get over it.

Story/Review Game:

I loved the banner and layout. I’m excited about reading this because of how the story is set up. Already I get a mysterious and suspenseful feeling and the music I’m listening to right now is a perfect match.

The first paragraph is a great attention getter because I have no idea where he is, at first I thought he was running away from something chasing him because of his hands being sweaty. He was classifying all the symptoms of a panic attack, I’m curious as to why, and that makes me want to continue.

“It reached my heart, wrapping its black fingers around the fragile organ and tainting it with its bitter poison.”

Your descriptions are morbid, vivid and beautiful. I’m a sucker for descriptive stories, but there were times I had to reread sentences because the descriptions were too heavy, but nonetheless I adored them. It puts me right into the story, feeling what he’s feeling. All the uncertainty and doubt that’s going on in his mind, I felt it as well…and I think that's somewhat beautiful.

“I had become madness itself; the blackness of my own craziness covering my entire body and rendering me useless and unfixable.”

This is another sentence that caught my attention. It makes you think about every detail and word being said. “I had become madness” for some reason your writing reminds me of Joseph Conrad’s story Heart of Darkness a very old story that you’ve probably never heard of, but I like it and that’s a good thing in my book. It’s about a group of men traveling into the Congo of Africa and your main character is like the main character, Marlow in that book. Just the darkness that surrounds this story and him as well. Also, the semi-colon in that sentence is not needed a comma would suffice.

I thought the ending was done nicely and left room for the next chapter, which I’ll be reading as well.

“She was looking at me like I couldn’t break her, like she was seeing the world through I different lens to what I was and I longed to share it with her.”

You have a small typo is this sentence and I bolded it for you. So far, to be honest I wasn’t impressed as I was with the prologue. Your descriptions that started describing how Tyler felt were kind of cliché. However, I can tell you do have potential for this to be a promising story.

“I was consumed by madness.”

There’s that line again, and reading that automatically placed me back into this story. This scene gave life to the story because it explained why Tyler was going crazy in the prologue, but this part here gave a more understand of his madness and where its roots were coming from in his childhood.

“I was out of my body again. I was in the corner of the room, just a spirit looking down at my body and shouting at it to take it all back and to stop her tears.”

Before that sentence, I liked this part the best because it was very emotional. Tyler is a disturbed young man and you portray that very well, we as readers still don’t truly understand why yet though. When characters are like this in stories I like to call it the Holden Caulfield syndrome. This part was emotional and I felt for Tyler because of what he’d been though and seen.

“I wanted to die because I was insane. I needed to die, because that’s what you did to people like me. You killed them before they could hurt someone else.”

Tyler maybe insane, but I think his insanity has a purpose and I just don’t know what it is yet. I think he’s not crazy just a little misguided into what he really needs to do with his time on Earth. Therefore, I think the last part was my favorite of them all. This section made me feel the same way I did while reading the prologue. It was intense and my attention was consumed with your words the whole way through. As I stated before, I had my up and downs with this, but overall I really liked it. Your writing style is lovely and it’s not hard to follow. Keep up the good work!

So um, I'm really glad I kept you on Teeth. This prologue makes me want to hump you in a very inappropriate manner...just saying. I loved the imagery and the wording you used. I have no coherent thoughts to share with you other than UNF. >.> /failofacomment

This is wicked in all the best ways.

I really like what you do with the idea of insanity and how real it can be. It makes it that much more potent. I also liked how you started it. The prologue was a little confusing, but it started to make sense as I delved into the first chapter. I also like the little hints of foreshaodwing that you use.

This is freaking insane!

But I love it. I have no negative words to give you on this. It's brilliantly done. Your diction is astounding and the way you construct your sentences makes me envy your talent. This is good stuff. You can bet your ass I'm subscribing to this. I'm looking forward to more very soon.

As stated above, I have no criticisms about this at all so far.

I really like your layout, it's very dark and mysterious and from the prologue, it's definitely matched up with the writing. That's the purpose of the layout - to match along with the emotion of the writing, and you've done a great job of that.

And your wording is spectacular.
It's like you thought very carefully about where to place certain words and how to phrase certain things. I love when reading makes me actually stop after a line and think. Your prologue alone had several of those spots.

But my favorite line was definitely:
I had become madness itself; the blackness of my own craziness covering my entire body and rendering me useless and unfixable.

Overall, I'm really excited to continue reading this and how you're going to take this songs.
I'll be subscribing to keep up with this entry. (:

"Because his heart was half black and half beating, and she didn't stand a chance."

I really liked this line, just on its own. It sounded quotable enough that I went and googled it, and because nothing came up, I suppose I can attribute it to you. Good stuff.

I feel that this is overall nicely done. Your descriptions are a particular strong point- metaphors like, "tugging at the folds of my mind" and, "My mouth screamed for it to be a lie".

It's very, very short, but I think you mentioned this was part of the design, and if so, then fair enough. No criticisms here!