Habits - Comments

  • Billie Holiday

    Billie Holiday (100)

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    somewhere along the lines (chp.2)
    I believe you meant, 'somewhere along the line'

    Right, and I like this so I'm going to stick around...even if I get the feeling someone's going to die...like that kid, uh Charlie. Hayden so beat him with the cool name didn't she? I don't know too many Charlies and when I do they're quite old so maybe that's why I can't take him as being that amazing yet, but we'll see.
    August 1st, 2011 at 05:41am
  • Hina;

    Hina; (885)

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    Hmm. I love the lay out and the banner. Charlie seems like a confusing mess to sort out but yet, he seems interesting. I bet Hayden will have a wonderful time trying to unravel his personality while trying to figure him out. :) I loved this story and I was able to picture everything pretty well. Thanks for the wonderful read.
    July 23rd, 2011 at 12:39am
  • Lucky Star.

    Lucky Star. (100)

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    The way your writing this, it's addicting in a way. My favorite part was this:
    It was nearly four in the morning and the moon hung low in the sky, casting silver light across the frosted ground, patiently awaiting the five o'clock sunrise. I took a moment to argue out whether or not I should tell him the hour, but he beat me to the punch.

    I just loved how descriptive it was. I think you did a really excellent job on Charlie. He seems mysterious, and surprising at times, while Hayden just seems to be confused about him, but accepts it.

    Keep rocking! :D
    June 29th, 2011 at 02:01am
  • Nanook

    Nanook (125)

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    Hm... so I just finished reading the three chapters that you have posted for this story, after stumbling across this, and I must say... I'm really liking this. I've never really seen a story like this before; the plot is definitely unique. :)
    I'm definitely subscribing to this! :) And I really hope that you choose to continue this soon, because you have a really amazing idea going here. :)
    June 20th, 2011 at 12:53am
  • C V.D P

    C V.D P (200)

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    chapter one;

    ksoawh.

    I DON'T LIKE SMOKING.

    chapter two;

    YES JOHNNY CASH FTW

    “I guess that, when it comes to you, I’m just not so sure.” He sighed and wrapped his arm around my midsection, pulling me close and allowing my head to rest on his shoulder.

    So, this is confusing when you write like this, because it makes me think he's the one saying it, not her. If you were to space it out, it would be perfect.

    I dislike his hot and coldness, but I love it...

    Chapter Three

    poor charlie =/ makes me sad. i love this story, you're awesome. subbing~
    May 9th, 2011 at 12:39am
  • morning glory.

    morning glory. (100)

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    Goodness gracious, this is amazing.
    The summary is really good; it drew me in instantly. Charlie seems like one of those guys that everyone finds fascinating - but in the end, he's just falling apart. speaks strictly in rock and roll I really loved this part. <3

    Hayden did seem a bit shallow at the end of the first chapter, but I also get the feeling that she's protecting her heart from Charlie. Anyway, I like both of the characters already. I get that Charlie is a bit screwed up, but he pulled at my heartstrings in the third chapter.

    I love the way you introduced their relationship to the reader, as well. They've got a push-pull thing going on, and it's incredibly interesting. I'm excited to see where this goes!
    May 7th, 2011 at 06:49pm
  • aubs

    aubs (420)

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    When I read what Hayden said at the end of the first chapter, I just wanted to slap her in the face. To me, that felt like a rude thing to say especically since she mentioned that she already liked his eyes. But that comment just made me think of her as shallow since even though she loves him, she wants something else of him.

    But I really like how you began the story. It is not often that I find stories that don't really explain the background information in the beginning. I think it is nice that you add details about the couple within the chapter. I think this is a really good story even though I read the first chapter.
    May 5th, 2011 at 03:29am
  • stopkellinme

    stopkellinme (120)

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    Pretty good. ;) Update soon!
    May 5th, 2011 at 12:11am
  • The Way

    The Way (1400)

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    First off, I adore the layout and I'm jealous of how well-done your summary is. You seemed to have put a lot of thought into it, and it looks like something that can go on a back cover that'll make people pick it right up off the shelf.

    You didn't waste time introducting us to the characters or their interaction. There's a lovely tone to your writing, and thought there's that kind of over the top detailing I don't prefer, it didn't distract from the piece and still flowed really well. I loved the phrase "heart over logic"; I've never heard it said quite like that before.

    The ending, the line "I would love you more if your eyes were blue" - I liked the sentiment behind it, like a full-circle moment, but I'm quite confused about whether you intentionally made it seem like Charlie was hot and cold, just like that, or if the attitude change was just completely random becauser it jarred me. Either way, I think it's the kind of start that'll make people keep reading. You're very good at grabbing attention.
    May 5th, 2011 at 12:04am
  • leavingggggggg

    leavingggggggg (100)

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    Sorry this is late. I kind of suck at comment swapping. But I shouldn’t have delayed, because this is wonderful.

    AAADEN. This is so amazing. I was kind of like, “Hello, awesome story? Yeah, I think you’re pretty awesome, you know.”

    So, you know, this Charlie guy is really sleazy (but I love his name, haha). Smoking and girls and music, huh? Pretty typical boy to me, but the way you write him makes him so unique and his own person. I love the way you introduce and develop your characters.

    HAYDEN IS PRETTY COOL (and I like her name, too), which is interesting, sine Hayden rhymes with Aaden, and Aaden’s cool too. But anyways, poor little Hayden, I was thinking as I read the summary. And I kind of wanted Charlie to die or something for hurting Hayden like this, ‘cause I thought he was one of those “find a girl, fool her into thinking I love her, and dump her” kind of heartbreaker guys. I really don’t like them, since I’ve been through that before. It hurts like hell. Anyways, onward into the summary. I like the disclaimer type thing you have at the end. It’s kind of like a disclaimer to the reader, but it’s a good part of the story.

    Their relationship is fascinating. Like, their HABITS are her being addicted to him and him being addicted to music and smoking. I like the title you chose for that reason. I like the way you’re portraying their relationship. You really make the strangeness clear. I want to know more about Hayden feels about him. I want more emotion, if that’s not asking too much, because you already have a good amount in there.

    By the way, one thing that Gabby said that I had a different opinion on, if I could add that in this review. She said she didn’t like the way you said “you” when you had already set the first person POV, but I don’t think it’s that bothersome. It’s not really addressing the reader, personally. It’s just a general reference.

    So, Charlie’s pretty sure he’s going to get laid, huh? Well, that kind of made me life for some reason. So cocky, that boy. I love the way you wrote that part. <3

    I would love you more if your eyes were blue. Now this line is gold. It struck me as interesting. Kind of made me wonder about what’s going on. Anyway, I like the way you ended with him smoking. It really keeps the essence of Charlie there. I can sense the way you’re developing your characters, and it’s amazing. You’re really keeping their essence in there. I felt Hayden’s there, too.

    Charlie started to grow on me as I read onwards into the story. It was interesting to me, because beforehand I was telling myself how much I freaking hated him. I kind of thought him to be helpless, though, as I read on. A broken man, I guess? I don’t know why, but that’s what I thought. Like he’s hiding his fears behind this cigarettes, girls, and musical typically heartbreaker demeanor.

    Now, for the second chapter. One thing I love about you, Aaden, is that you are a wonderful detailer. That first paragraph about Charlie’s room really had me immersed. I like how you talk about it being stereotypically male, and his secret shame. I felt like I was there, really. And I also like the way you transition between description and dialogue, if that makes sense. Anyway, I noticed a couple of things.

    pig-sty is one word. Should be pigsty.
    “Your expectations of me make me feel awkward.” Charlie retorted Comma instead of period after awkward.

    That’s all noticed. Onwards with the chapter. So, this was a pivotal chapter. The way they’re talking. I like the way you ended it, too. ”You don’t have to know everything,”a and a kiss. <3

    The layout is absolutely beautiful, my dear. The color scheme and the patterns and the avatars in the summary and the banner at the top are so perfect it’s strange. Like you have magical layout-perfection powers.

    So, Aaden. I love this too much to be true. So much it hurts. So much that if you don’t post the next chapter soon I’ll die and it’ll be your fault. I love this so much and I love how great you are at writing and I actually kind of hate that, too, because I’m not half as good as you are at writing well. So I’m subscribing.
    :D <3 <3
    March 28th, 2011 at 11:41pm
  • leavingggggggg

    leavingggggggg (100)

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    Sorry this is late. I kind of suck at comment swapping. But I shouldn’t have delayed, because this is wonderful.

    AAADEN. This is so amazing. I was kind of like, “Hello, awesome story? Yeah, I think you’re pretty awesome, you know.”

    So, you know, this Charlie guy is really sleazy (but I love his name, haha). Smoking and girls and music, huh? Pretty typical boy to me, but the way you write him makes him so unique and his own person. I love the way you introduce and develop your characters.

    HAYDEN IS PRETTY COOL (and I like her name, too), which is interesting, sine Hayden rhymes with Aaden, and Aaden’s cool too. But anyways, poor little Hayden, I was thinking as I read the summary. And I kind of wanted Charlie to die or something for hurting Hayden like this, ‘cause I thought he was one of those “find a girl, fool her into thinking I love her, and dump her” kind of heartbreaker guys. I really don’t like them, since I’ve been through that before. It hurts like hell. Anyways, onward into the summary. I like the disclaimer type thing you have at the end. It’s kind of like a disclaimer to the reader, but it’s a good part of the story.

    Their relationship is fascinating. Like, their HABITS are her being addicted to him and him being addicted to music and smoking. I like the title you chose for that reason. I like the way you’re portraying their relationship. You really make the strangeness clear. I want to know more about Hayden feels about him. I want more emotion, if that’s not asking too much, because you already have a good amount in there.

    By the way, one thing that Gabby said that I had a different opinion on, if I could add that in this review. She said she didn’t like the way you said “you” when you had already set the first person POV, but I don’t think it’s that bothersome. It’s not really addressing the reader, personally. It’s just a general reference.

    So, Charlie’s pretty sure he’s going to get laid, huh? Well, that kind of made me life for some reason. So cocky, that boy. I love the way you wrote that part. <3

    I would love you more if your eyes were blue. Now this line is gold. It struck me as interesting. Kind of made me wonder about what’s going on. Anyway, I like the way you ended with him smoking. It really keeps the essence of Charlie there. I can sense the way you’re developing your characters, and it’s amazing. You’re really keeping their essence in there. I felt Hayden’s there, too.

    Charlie started to grow on me as I read onwards into the story. It was interesting to me, because beforehand I was telling myself how much I freaking hated him. I kind of thought him to be helpless, though, as I read on. A broken man, I guess? I don’t know why, but that’s what I thought. Like he’s hiding his fears behind this cigarettes, girls, and musical typically heartbreaker demeanor.

    Now, for the second chapter. One thing I love about you, Aaden, is that you are a wonderful detailer. That first paragraph about Charlie’s room really had me immersed. I like how you talk about it being stereotypically male, and his secret shame. I felt like I was there, really. And I also like the way you transition between description and dialogue, if that makes sense. Anyway, I noticed a couple of things.

    pig-sty is one word. Should be pigsty.
    “Your expectations of me make me feel awkward.” Charlie retorted Comma instead of period after awkward.

    That’s all noticed. Onwards with the chapter. So, this was a pivotal chapter. The way they’re talking. I like the way you ended it, too. ”You don’t have to know everything,”a and a kiss. <3

    The layout is absolutely beautiful, my dear. The color scheme and the patterns and the avatars in the summary and the banner at the top are so perfect it’s strange. Like you have magical layout-perfection powers.

    So, Aaden. I love this too much to be true. So much it hurts. So much that if you don’t post the next chapter soon I’ll die and it’ll be your fault. I love this so much and I love how great you are at writing and I actually kind of hate that, too, because I’m not half as good as you are at writing well. So I’m subscribing.
    :D <3 <3
    March 28th, 2011 at 11:41pm
  • turducken

    turducken (100)

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    I totally feel Charlie's pain. Oh my god, my room is a tornado of chaos to the point where the floor is an endangered species. Except I hide it away from people, I guess he just doesn't give two shits. A little into his personality, I suppose. Clever of you, I like it.

    And don't think I missed that "pill residue" because I totally did not. And you are going to have to get a lot more into that. I demand it. I demand it to the fullest. But it's such a boy room that I love it so much. And usually I hate when people just ramble off about how everything looks, but in the way that you do it's sort of like a little insight onto the awesome person that is Charlie.

    I love how polar opposite they are. He's straight to the point, no-beating-around-the-bush and she's desperately trying to avoid the question and only answering ambiguously, hoping for him to take what he will. Again, it shows that he can't care much and she cares a helluva lot.

    I totally love the line "your expectations of me make me feel awkward".

    I like the fact that she's really smart, because it's totally frustrating that she can't figure him out. I think that might be why she's sort of drawn to him, because he's the only thing she can never quite understand, and it's like a little bit of a challenge.

    And he's a hot smoker but whatevs. And he totally has those sweet moments where I'm just like "why are you not reeeeeal?"

    MY ONLY COMPLAINING IS THAT IT'S NOT LONG ENOUGH BOO-BOO. :D
    ... I just called you Boo-Boo.
    March 28th, 2011 at 03:30am
  • breakfast after ten;

    breakfast after ten; (100)

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    My beautiful, beautiful bride. The layout is almost as gorgeous as you. You never fail to amaze me with your words and I love this story so far. This is probably one of my favorites. I love Charlie, he reminds me a boy I know. I also love Hayden's character and the way she talks about Charlie. I can't wait to see where you take this. <3
    March 26th, 2011 at 10:20pm
  • goodbyeeeee

    goodbyeeeee (100)

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    I loved this chapter. The first paragraph really gives you an insight to Charlie's life, which is nice.
    I can't wait until it's updated again. ;)
    March 26th, 2011 at 07:25pm
  • bona drag.

    bona drag. (935)

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    He offered me a seat on his unmade bed, and I gladly took it, smoothing down the red, flannel comforter as I waited for him to join me. But he never did, instead he perched himself atop the dresser and stared down at me, creating an awkward and uncomfortable tension between us.

    Grammatically, the sentence doesn't end after me. The but clause ends that though so it would make more sense as a comma, not a full stop and use the full stop after did, capitalising instead as the start of the new sentence. So, "He offered me a seat on his unmade bed, and I gladly took it, smoothing down the red, flannel comforter as I waited for him to join me, but he never did. Instead he perched himself atop the dresser and stared down at me, creating an awkward and uncomfortable tension between us."

    Also, Charlie's dialogue in that paragraph warrants the start of a new paragraph.

    I love that you use the word vitriolic. Usually people use those English exam vocab words and they sound so out of place, but this fits right in with Charlie. It stands out in the good way, really emphasising his tone.

    “Your expectations of me make me feel awkward.”

    This was my favourite line. I adore that she has high expectations of Charlie that he can't, or maybe doesn't want to live up to and he feels weird that she still has those expectations. Charlie seems like that kind of guy that no one ever expects anything from because he's so self-centered he's unreliable, but for some reason she's expecting things out of Charlie when I suspect she knows she shouldn't and I want to know why she does that.

    I also love that she's the kind of girl who knows everything usually or tries to always have an answer and she doesn't know anything when it comes to Charlie and she can't find answers to his questions. It really shows his power over her almost. Something about him makes her different from what she usually is and I hope to eventually find out what is so special about Charlie that makes Hayden weak almost.
    March 23rd, 2011 at 09:50pm
  • Cobain.

    Cobain. (100)

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    They way you describe her love in the beginning is real and relevant, especially the part about being head over logic in love. That was such an interesting phrase, and exactly the way it feels; no matter how hard you tell yourself that it's logically a bad idea, the feeling pulls through anyway.
    Also, I hate to relate this to myself, but I'm currently utterly in love with a Charlie. Reading this really hit me, because it was so real to me.

    "I would love you more if your eyes were blue."
    That was a really interesting statement, because she mentioned earlier that she couldn't resist his eyes. It seems that his eyes are really important to her, which tells me that she's a very genuine person. The eyes always tell the most about a person.

    I thought it was interesting how she mentioned Charlie ignoring her but then in the next chapter, she was in his room. It made me wonder about what had happened in between, and it made me wonder about the nature of their relationship now.

    The part where Charlie said that she never specified what she wanted him to be better at was really profound. People are always telling people to be better people, but when you think about, what does that actually mean? Charlie pointed out a really interesting thought.

    “You always know, every time I ask you something - about anything: math, Egyptian religion, candy, shoes, the fucking History channel - you know exactly the right answer."

    That really stood out to me because, again, I can relate. I am the girl who always knows everything, and people always expect you to know everything. But sometimes, we get lost and confused too. It adds to Hayden's character and really accentuates how lost Charlie makes her feel. If she can't learn it out of a book, Hayden feels lost. Charlie is the exact opposite, and they beautifully balance each other out.

    All in all, I really loved this. The layout is gorgeous; I wish I could make them half as good as you. (:
    March 21st, 2011 at 11:36pm
  • essential orange

    essential orange (100)

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    i love it!
    March 21st, 2011 at 09:42pm
  • flyer.

    flyer. (850)

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    Yeah, I can definitely relate to this one. You describe the emotions of this situation so...perfectly. So perfectly I can't actually put it into words, but you hit it dead on.
    It's almost as if Charlie is narrating this, because as Stella said, she's all about Charlie, which I really like; it fleshes him out just as well as it fleshes her out, all in one go.
    Also, I really liked the last line in your summary: This is not a love story, this is a story about love.
    Yeah. So basically, I really really like this. And I have no con/crit. And if you don't update soon, I will be sad.
    So you should update soon xD
    Excellent job!
    March 21st, 2011 at 02:03am
  • bona drag.

    bona drag. (935)

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    I love the summary. I think it's well written and hooking. I like the bit that he takes in nicotine like oxygen because I know people like that. I got an image of what kind of guy this is right away.

    I don't believe a heart is capable of shuddering. I was trying to think of what that would look like. An anatomical heart shuddering I mean. I can see an irregular beat , but shuddering gives the impression of shivering actually. Hearts can skip or double beats, but not shiver.

    It was mid-February, and even though the snow wasn’t falling, I could still taste its bitter presence in the air, could still feel it cutting little marks into your flesh as the wind blew by.

    I found this sentence a bit awkward for a few reasons. The word taste seems really out of context in that sentence. Sense seems more fitting. I like the bit about it cutting into flesh. The your threw me off. Since the description begins with I and talks that she could taste and feel it, it would make more sense to say cutting little marks into my flesh.

    I love the phrase head over logic in love. I think that speaks loads of her character there. That she's rational and based in fact. Things like love are illogical to her.

    I adore Charlie's character and how he's pretty wrapped up in himself. He'll woo a girl one second he wants her and then not care for months at a time about her until he wants her again. I love characters like that. I love guys portrayed that way, but Charlie's not painted as this villain like most stories do I feel. He's more just a character. He does things he shouldn't, but he's not this monster, this irredeemable person that guys like him usually are. He just is what he is. I love that.

    “I would love you more if your eyes were blue.”

    I loved that line. I'd take it home with me at the end of the night I like it that much. :) Truly brilliant. Despite Hayden being the narrator, there's little about her really. She's all about Charlie so the little bits of her you have almost snuck in there are amazingly done. I'm just as hooked on her as Charlie, if not more.

    Definitely in love with this. I think it's a wonderful start and I can't wait to see where you're going with these characters.
    March 21st, 2011 at 12:58am
  • turducken

    turducken (100)

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    I can not even. I mean, I just read the summary and you got me. I was just like, Aaden. She is the bomb. The bomb diggity. How did she know that I'm for some odd reason just like... drawn to cocky boys who are completely assholios and smoke? Y'know, I don't think I'll ever pick up the habit of smoking, but I love smokers. I'm not sure why, but they sort of like... fascinate me. Which is weird, right?

    ANYWAYS, I HAVEN'T EVEN BEGUN AND I ALREADY LOVE IT, SO.

    H'okay, so I've never heard of a heart "shuddering" but it makes me think of cold so I actually think it works well here. It's like it's so cold even her organs are shivering, aha. <- what? I don't know. But I have this weird dislike when people randomly pull a "you". Because... I don't know, it's not in second person, and it's a story but it's not like a story where you're addressing the reader the entire time. Maybe just keep it at I?

    KAY COOL, ME AND HAYDEN HAVE A LOT IN COMMON SO I ALREADY LIKE HER. We both love assholios who ignore us. Alright. She's officially on the cool wagon. I like her. I actually really get her whole when it's good, it's good and when it's bad it's bad but I'm still sticking around type attitude. Because it's sort of like a million times better than it would be when he notices her if it were an everyday thing. It's sort of special. :D

    And I totally love their relationship. It's like, he's addicted to smoking and she's addicted to him. HABITS! <- why am I so clever, really? I don't know, it just comes to me. But I'm totally digging the dynamic of their relationship, though. How it's sort of... odd but in a good way. I love weird relationships, to be honest. A lot can go on between them and I can totally seem some massive drama coming. I want to get more into how she feels when he's being an assholio, so I'm purdy excited for that. WOOT TEENAGE ANGST. :D

    I really want to get to know the characters more, man.

    The fact that I'm already like in love with Charlie has nothing to do with it, 'kay? Okay.

    To put it bluntly, I LOVE THIS STORY. To the point where I don't care if you have to drop every other writing project, school and your grandmother to update it. I WILL NOT ALLOW YOU TO DROP THIS.
    I love it too much.
    :D

    Just sayin. No pressure.
    March 20th, 2011 at 11:31pm