I loved this, it was amazing. I liked the way you portrayed the characters, and also the wy you portrayed the emotions between them. (: Good job!
March 22nd, 2011 at 01:49am
One.
I really like the concept of this; the one night stand is a classic conflict, and while many have used it and made it seem a bit hackneyed, I often find it to be refreshing each and every time I read it. Especially considering that this is told from the male perspective - which isn’t typically so. I like that you’ve kept it tasteful, and even though he uses her strictly for sex, he doesn’t attempt to objectify her.
There was a chest at the foot of the bed. He had ran into it last night while undoing her bra.
This story, overall, has some nice flow, but these sentences stand out as being far too choppy. Try combining them in some way to fix the broken link.
Her long, black hair was strewn across her face and pillow, blocking her face from the world.
Her collarbones hugged her neck, and the skin of her neck looked smooth and kissable.
In both of those sentences you repeat one word twice, and it disrupts the natural rhythm of the structure and makes it sound awkward. Try looking for synonyms, or breaking them into two sentences if possible.
Two.
Gabrielle and the secretary are two entirely different personalities, and you really make a point to show it. Gabby seems needy and detached to the point of ignorance, almost completely self-absorbed, while the secretary is effortless and accepting. While both women have Nestor in common, I’d go so far as to say that they don’t have many other commonalities. Aside from that, I like that Nestor is married, it puts his sex from the night before on a new level - to the point that he seems guilty. But the ending makes me wonder if this is really so, because Gabrielle obviously isn’t where his heart is.
Really great job! (: