Alan's Psychedelic Breakfast - Comments

First of all, I am wordlessly sorry that this review has taken me so long to get to you. Now, let's begin!

This story really reminds me of a shape-poem. I'm sure there's probably a more technical term but I hope you understand what I mean - you know, an apple poem written in the shape of an apple, a car poem written in the shape of a car? That. It was a real plus, too, as I'm a fan of the unsual stories writing-styles. Also, could the name of this story be any more fitting? What a perfect choice!
The alignment of the words was very odd for me at first and took me a little while to get used to but once I had I thought it really added to the dreamlike feel of the story. Likewise with the lack of capital letters and correct punctuation - at first, I was like 'argh, what's going on? This is terrible, even though I know why it's the way it is!' but then once I had gotten into the flow of the story, I saw how much it really, and I mean really added to the atmosphere, for lack of a better word.

The 'BRINGBRINGBRINGBRINGBRINGBRINGBRING.' opening line was very realistic. In the morning, when my alarm goes of I don't hear exact, particular bring! noises like they often do in books - I hear a rather irritating, constant blare of noise, like Alan is in his stream of conciousness. Only a tiny typo so far - plane instead of plain, which doesn't even matter. 'we run hand in hand but we get nowhere.' I really quite liked this line, although I can't exactly put my finger on why. It seems quite poetic in a way.
'we fall for seconds minutes hours years. we don't hit the ground.' Oh gracious, shivers down my spine! I absolutely adored the lack of commas between minutes, hours and years. It really deformalised the falling process, helping me imagine the air rushing by so easily. And then the 'we don't hit the ground' part, that was good. Bringing it back to the psychedelic aspect.
The use of 'marmalade' to describe the sky was a stunning use of language. It defined my mental image of how they would be spinning and swimming through the clouds and the sky; together against the smooth orange backdrop. Then, when all goes white, I thought the description of how the speck formed and expanded was just excellent. It made it sound happy and nice, like a pretty flower blooming, instead of the potential twist it could have taken which would have made it seem onimous.
That list of colours. Oh dear Lord, that was just superb. The fact that there was no punctuation, no connectives, no anything to take away from the imagining of all those colours raining down around them was just a work of genius - and, absolutely beautiful to read.
The right-alignment really comes into its own once we reach the ropes and the 'up and up and up' etc. bit. The affect it adds, rather than just having it in a horisontal list and instead having it in a vertical list is near close to unwritable. It's almost as if the words are the ropes, if you know what I mean, pulling our characters upwards. The personification of the nebula - 'hear it laughing as it floats away' - was a very sweet use of literary devices. Instead of just seeing it as a cloud of dust and hyrogen etc., I can almost see it as a child, especially as the nebula and Alan are 'playing tag'.
'your arms wrap around my waist and you hold me. you hold me in our universe the stars and the planets floating around us. you sing to me, sing to me songs of love. we sing. we is us. us is we. we sings to the universe. we sings to us. we is we.'
I don't even know what I can say to this part. It was just utterly gorgeous and heartwarming and I felt like giving someone a hug and ordering universal peace. Especially the part from 'we sing' to 'we is we.' Man, that was just art.
The ending couldn't have been more fitting. The last line was intriguing and I was almost sad to see your story had come to an end. I enjoyed reading it very much and I liked being able to relive my pleaure by reviewing it. I hope you find this useful - grammatically and punctuationally, there is not much to say, but your vocabulary was stunning and the style one of the most individual and delightful I have yet seen on Mibba. Hopefully, I shall be able to review your other stories before the end of this year xD For now, I bid thee adieu.

this is very good!
i realllllly like it :D

This is really creative shit. I've never read anything like this in my life before. It's so dillusional and I seriously love the imagination and the immediate shiftings of the settings which reminds me of Scott Pilgrim for some reason. Even though there's a ton of run on sentences, it was still well written. It's not sloppy for an imagination. It's quite thoughtful and creative. I especially love the expansion of vocabulary you have ;)