Youth Is Forever - Comments

I didn't have an initial thought, really. I just walked into this story kind of thinking it'd be alright. I am so tired right now. And sick. Life sucks. Oh well. Moving on. Random banter.

Chapter one:
See, when I saw that this is a Peter Pan fan fiction, I just loved this immediately. I never see Peter Pan fan fiction around here. It's so freaking rare.
The writing... I don't know how to describe the writing. Sort of... long winded? I don't know. The words are sort of awkward. Sort of less than I was expecting. Well, it's just the structure that I found odd. Awkward. Not terribly so, no. I've seen way worse. But I think that it doesn't seem like it could be real, you know? Just the wording, it doesn't feel like I'm actually seeing it properly. When I read a story I like to be able to visualize on my own to an extent, you know, have my own take on a scene, but I don't want to have to do all the work, and I feel like I've sort of been pushed to do that. God, I sound mean.

See, every time I try to help someone with their writing I end up sounding like a meanie. I TRY SO HARD NOT TO BE, BUT IT NEVER ENDS UP BEING NICE. ALWAYS MEAN. You have every right to be all 'why so mean bitch?' because yeah...

I think that if you shortened some of your sentences, tried to pack a punch into short sentences, you'd do better. It might just be the fact that the dialogue isn't enough in the way that it doesn't reveal enough about the characters, and the way they talk. Every person's dialogue reveals something about them. If they stutter, or use a lot of slang or swear words, you know? And I don't feel like I really have met these characters, even though I've gone through a chapter out of their lives. Maybe I'm jumping to conclusions. I'll read on and maybe everything will change.

Chapter two:
AHA. I FOUND THE PROBLEM. I FOUND WHAT IS MAKING ME FEEL WEIRD ABOUT THIS STORY. OKAY. IT'S NOT THE SENTENCE STRUCTURE. YOU HAVE A GOOD FLOW. IT'S COOL AND EVERYTHING. IT'S JUST THE CHOICE OF WORDS. TOO INTELLIGENT. TOO MUCH FOR A FIFTEEN YEAR OLD KID. And I know – some people talk that way at the age of fifteen, but it isn't normal, and you haven't let on that this kid is above average intelligence. I feel that the words make it awkward. Every time I read a story, and there are awkward words, I just feel like I need to let them know that they don't have to use those words. There are so many better words. I PROMISE YOU.

"For crying out loud!" I yelled. "Can we meet this mysterious frying Pan and get on with our lives?"

LOL okay that made me laugh real hard. Frying pan. Ugh, clever.
You know, this isn't a bad story. I feel bad about my initial reaction. I still think, though, that the words could be toned down. And I know that big words can be beautiful too, but shorter words that mean more are even better. And I don't feel connected to the story, for some reason. I don't like not feeling connected, especially when I do like this story. It's just the characters, the first person speech, it just doesn't make me feel right. I think third person would be a better point of view for you to write in. I feel like you would do a lot better with it.
God, I'm such a bitch. I honestly don't mean to sound so rude, I'm just trying to give you constructive criticism, and I feel like it's coming out like sh*t and piss. Not right. I don't know.

Chapter three:
. My brother also seemed to be amused by this immortal boy. He didn't show the shyness or curiosity that Wendy did, but rather respect and amusement. I showed only resentment and dismay. I didn't want to be here. Despite my parents being total jerks, I would give anything to be back home.

See, that there feels disconnected. You aren't trying to convey feelings, you're just shoving them at the reader and telling them 'hey, feel this'. If you want to really write, you have to describe every feeling, and every detail as if it were you feeling and thinking it. Because you're writing in first person, like you're telling someone a story of your life, as if this happened to you. So you have to pretend that you're feeling these things, and you have to pour everything you've got into describing it. Otherwise it'll just turn out like you're throwing these feelings and thoughts at the reader without giving them time to fully understand it. And I don't mean to write like this:

Oh, the branches flailed about as if nature itself were dancing with a sadness that could only be represented by the branches and the wind and the rain themselves. I looked at this king and I thought to myself in great discomfort at how dismayed and resentful I felt. It trickled down my spine and into my heart, and it told me that I had to leave this place, to go home to where my parents were, though they were total jerks.

I...yeah. Lol. That's a little................... nah.

I mean to write with actual feeling, and not bullshit lines like what I've written above. That's just fucking around with a few words, not portraying any real feeling. Just words. Mindless words. And you can do better. Because you need to stretch out your talent and bring in the big guns. Try harder. Analyze your writing. Because you need to understand what I'm saying; don't write too much, but don't write too little. Put in description and feeling, but not too much. Not too much sappy bullshit that means nothing.

Chapter four:
Hm. I liked this, but there are some places where I just... I feel so disconnected from this story. But I like this story, so I don't understand why. Something is just off. It's got to be the non-descriptive sentences. I definitely think this has potential. I think this could be something awesome if you went through it and picked at the sentences a bit. They need more stuffing.

--
You know, I feel bad for what I've said. Though what I've said I still feel, you aren't bad at writing. I mean, the kind of writing that is structured well. But real writing is made of stronger stuff, with more description, with a connection from the characters to the reader.

You shouldn't take this negatively, because it isn't mean negatively. It's meant to help, and if it doesn't, if it's just really insulting, I'm sorry.

I love this story though :D

Pan isn't going to let them leave ><

Yet again, a brillant chapter :) It doesn't matter if its short its quality over quantity I guess. To be honest, I would've said yes. Being immortal, flying, meeting Pan ( ;D lmao) it would be an amazing experience :)

First off, I absolutely love Peter Pan. It was my favorite story to read (right next to Alice in Wonderland of course ;D) and I think you did an anazing job writing this. I love the details you put in this and how I can get a mental image. Putting a twist in it was brilliant and I love the cliffhanger you put at the end of Chapter 3 though at the same time I hate it xD I also like how mischievous you made Tink (she was my favorite character :) I would say its original since I haven't read any Peter Pan fanfictions where she is. I love the Greek mythological terminology you put in there, to sum it up altogether, it was brilliant :)

This is pretty amazing. ^^
I was looking through the stories, clicked this and only remembered it was yours during the 2nd chapter when I looked up at the author and saw it was yours! :D

I love the twist you're putting on this story,
Keep up the great writing :D

:D I love Peter Pan and this is a amazing twist on it.

I love this!
Peterpan was my favourite story growing up...
I'm really excited about this and I can't wait to read more.
A peter pan fan fiction! haha awesome

Wow ok...
First, I love the layout and everything, even your own twist on Peter Pan. Which is good, not the same old story.

For me when reading this I found that you use a lot of dialogue like all at once per say, and not enough detail or descriptions. There really isn't a balance between them. Like at some parts I got a little confused on where they were at and stuff but that is but that is just me. Dont worry.

Your grammar didn't really bother me, it wasn't like popping out at me, probably because it was little things, other then huge grammar mistakes, that pop out. Plus I'm not good a grammar anyway so it doesn't really bother me too much.

Overall I love this story, it's the first time I ever read a Peter Pan story.
I'm gonna subscribe because I want to see how this goes down.

Keep Up the good work

<3

Aw I like this! I haven't seen Peter Pan in forever and now I want to go watch it xD

I feel like I'm being nitpicky, so I apologize in advance. I picked out a few tiny errors since your journal specifically said you wanted some help spotting the little things you missed.

This was London, not to mention the 2000s.
"2000s" seems kinda awkward. I would put "21st century."

I wish I had my siblings self control.
"Siblings" should be- siblings'.

All of your accents were light for we spent every summer in New York...
"your" should be "our"

I tried to make me vanish
"me" should be "myself"

"The Indian's who inhabited Neverland before us, and even Pan."
"Indian's" doesn't need the apostrophe.

omg. I seriously feel too nitpicky, so, again, I'm sorry.
Honestly though- none of that mattered. It didn't distract from the story at all- I just wanted to do you a favor, since you did ask for us to pick things out.

And honestly- the story is great. I mean, I really mean it when I say it makes me want to go watch Peter Pan. I like the modern twist you've put on it; things like Pan's clothing are a nice touch. I'm excited to read more. I also love the way you describe things. It's just enough detail without being too wordy and boring, distracting the reader from the point. Like the redwood forest and the castle. So, seriously, I don't care about the typos. It's a great story. You have my subscription- now start updating! :D

A twist on Peter Pan. I love it. Keep going! I need moar!!!

This is enchanting. At first I was like, hmm Pirate ship... Kinda Peter Panesque! And then you mentioned Neverland and it all tied in perfectly. It's really lovely. I sincerely hope you continue this.

Wow, I hardly read fanfictions, and have never read a peter pan fanfiction. Yet this was amazing, different, I would like to know what you have planed though, and am subscribing :)