Six Feet Under - Comments

I loved how this story unfolded, Kat. It was very mysterious and Meg was quite disturbing - as you've intended no doubt. The only I suggest doing is whenever there's a change in scene or a flashback is to put a divider to indicate where the changes begin or to italicize the flashbacks. But this was a great story. Well done! :)

I feel like the exclamation point at the end of the summary kind of killed that whole enchanting rhyme scheme thing you had going on. If it was a period it would've kept that foreboding tone that was originally going.

When it gets to the memory, to the point where she's not really telling it anymore but reliving it. That got confusing. I thought she was still telling the story for a minute, so I think you should either italicize that or get a page divider so we know that it's a unique break in the story.

Jason is so melodramatic. I really think that there should've been more background to their relationship however. It's third person so you could be able to show that he doesn't really care as much as she does while making her seem completely deluded into thinking their relationship is amazing or whatever. I would've liked to see the break up and to know if he was relatively upset or just completely cold and heartless. But the kissing her back thing makes it sound like there's something deeper. Because if he really thought she was crazy he would've shoved her off the second she touched him. He would've been disgusted with her.

I would've really liked more of a struggle when she kills him. I mean unless she's some butch chick or super muscular I really doubt she would've been able to overpower him right away, he would've fought back. It would be a lot more realistic if you could make it a struggle.

What do you mean remembering what she had done? It happened a minute ago...maybe you mean 'replaying' it or something of the sort.

I don't think it's really possible to choke yourself...your body would reflex to automatically remove the hands around your neck....

Interesting story, ,a few spelling errors here and there, but nice job overall.

I like this! Quite a lot, actually.
I like how it starts at the end, so to speak. It was interesting how she told the story of how she confessed.

But, you could've said that she was in interrogation.

A few spelling mistakes, and no period at the end of the last sentence, but overall good.

This woman is quite scary, I have to admit. And I completely loved it, I might add.

The poem at the beginning was enticing and it made me more anxious to read the story.

Overall, I really liked it and can't find much to complain about, clearly. It was nicely written and I like the layout. I hope you do/did well in the contests you entered! :)

Ooh. The summary was enticing, a definite draw in. I loved it. I also loved how easily your story falls in with the banner, and the way you managed to fit your layout so nicely.

I'm going to comment as I read, so I apologise if anything I say doesn't make sense.

First off, I like how you start the story with her remembering it, rather than having everything unfold right there and then. It's an original twist.

“They didn’t deserver him.
There's an extra "r" in there.

Oh dear gosh. This woman sounds all kinds of wrong, she does.

Most them liked being choked so it was easy to make...
You forgot to add the "of" before the them. :)

The last thing she cut off was his manhood and she made sure he felt every part of the dull knife cutting him.
I sure am happy I don't have a penis right about now. o.O

Oh my. Did she just strangle herself in the end? Wow, oh wow. That is one, scary, scary woman.

Kat, this story was beautifully written. I'm glad to have taken the time to read it, and it's prequel. You're an amazing writer <3

The layout was really good and I think it matched how the piece went. And I must say, I love how it went. How she didn't really care that she had killed him and how she had been smiling at the end, when I presume she kills herself.
I think that fitted so well with this.

First off I like the layout, its really nice :)

The summary was good, again it drew me in.

I love how Meg doesn't care she killed him that she just wanted to show what forever meant. She's dark and twisted. Even though it was really twisted of what she did, it was really good how you detailed everything.

Again amazing :)

Interesting little story! I really like how you took the picture and went a completely different direction with it than I think most people would. Very unexpected. Aside from some small grammatical mistakes, it was written brilliantly, and you definitely know how to keep a reader hooked until the end. Well done!

A most interesting story. I liked reading this! It was very original, and had a certain je ne sais quoi to it. I like how you interwove her emotions into the retelling of her tragic tale. Another thing I liked - you didn't know who to sympathize with! I didn't know if I wanted to sympathize with the people she killed or with her!

This was written brilliantly, and you have a flair for writing out her insanity. Well done :]

Messed up but so wonderfully written. I have to admit I didn't expect any of it, but it was just brilliant!

I love how she tells the story especially at the beginning with the hesitation at times when she didn't like the reality that she had to face. And that reality was more that she didn't like that it existed more than the fact that it had happened. It's a beautiful kind of insanity that plays out. It just makes it all work together so wonderful as the story rises and builds.

I also really like the idea of prostitutes being masochists in her mind and that she would literally pay to kill them. Though I found it very interesting that instead of strangling him, she stabs him. It creates this stark contrast between the whores she killed over and over again to this man who she loved who rejected her.

I thought that you wrote this brilliantly!

I really enjoyed reading this. The descriptive wording are great, I could imagine the whole story and what was happening in my head. I felt all of the emotions Meg had felt while I was reading this.

I spy a few grammatical mistakes but nothing major and nothing that can't be fixed without a bit of careful proof-reading!

I like the mini poem you've got at the start of the story, it definitely sets the atmosphere of the story and you can just tell it's going to be kind of dark and gloomy. Like, damn, this story really highlights how angry some people get when people cheat and how psycho they can get. Meg's extremely sadistic, to a point that it definitely makes a reader feel comfortable as she obviously revels in a sick pleasure when she killed Jason, but it's extremely effective, well done.

This story is really violant, psycho, and mental at the same time, and thats what I really like about it! Just shows ya' what people would do over cheating. Grammar is good, and so is this one-shot.

You're right, this is great!
I never read oneshots, but this is like, an exception <3
Haha, love it!

I really enjoyed reading this one-shot. I don't normally like to read one-shots, but this one was outside of the norm. You stepped out of the box and didn't tip toe around with things like mild violence.
You were very descriptive, which was a plus because I was able to imagine everything she descibed, I was able to picture her doing those things and the way she felt.

In general, you are a fantastic writer, very descriptive and creative.

There were many things I liked about this short story. The most obvious two are on the main page: 1) the picture that you so wonderfully interwove and explained in the story and 2) the poetic introduction to the one shot. The poem was very wonderfully written, and I could just see the images you described. That's no easy feat, and so I was already very impressed just looking at the first "page" of your story.

And then I started reading the story itself.

And loved it.

From the introductory poem, I knew to expect somewhat of a sinister ending, but when I was done, I was even more chilled at the acts Meg committed. Yet despite the repulsion toward her that is to be expected, I felt pity for Meg. Though there were perhaps better ways for her to cope with Jason's cheating, ultimately it was her deep love for him that drove her to madness. If not for his cheating and his rejection, she would just be a happy, carefree girl who loves her boyfriend and drawing hearts in the sand on the beach. But he changed her, warped her into something she should never had been. And that's why I pity her.

My criticisms for your story are few.

For the most part, your grammar is on key. I believe only the last sentence has an error: it lacks a period at the end of the sentence. There are also a few typos scattered about, but they weren't too distracting.

Additionally, I couldn't help but draw attention to the female officer. I know she had to say something after Meg's confession to sort of drive home the trouble she's in, but her saying that Meg is under arrest is infeasible. She would have already been placed under arrest and read her rights before questioning. Otherwise, whatever she said could not be used against her in a court of law. To remedy this, perhaps you can change the officer's words to "Take her away."

Also, although it's not necessarily critical for the story's development (it is just a one-shot, after all), perhaps you could add more background. I'm kind of curious how Meg found out about the whores Jason visited. What aroused her suspicions and made her follow him? Furthermore, what made him hate her? I can understand her anger toward him, but his is a bit puzzling. Was it something she said? Or did his hatred form after discovering she had chased down and killed the women he had visited?

Overall, I was really satisfied with this one shot. The imagery of the photo directly correlated with the adorable story of their meeting, and as I said earlier, I was extremely impressed with that poem. You put in the right amount of foreshadowing in it, and for that, I also applaud you. It was a chilling tell, and I think you did Meg's insanity justice by having her kill herself.