I hope you don't mind a little con/crit because I know this is personal.
For the most part, I liked it. Or rather, it was written well. It's hard to like a piece like this because it's really ugly. That doesn't mean it's written bad, just that it hurts to read. Like one of my favorite movies "Closer" that I can only watch every so often 'cause it hurts so bad.
“I can’t even write. The words don’t want to come out. They spill onto the pages in dull clumps. It’s not right, not good. I have to be able to write. I’m the writer.” I like this. But I think the third line might work better out of dialogue. It seems a bit too formal mixed in with the rest of the sentence. I still like the line; I just would prefer it unspoken and narrated instead.
I think the present-tense narrative works really well here. Because it's not a moment that has happened, but a moment that is happening. As we read, it's unfolding. We're not being told, we're seeing.
I'm stuck on the ending. I don't dislike it. I just think that for the actual ending, it would work better as a oneshot, because I didn't feel the growth from desperation to jumping off the building. Maybe not even a really long oneshot, just more. I felt more like Ryan was clinging to Brendon and I didn't see why he went from the desperation to the . . . ending of his life.
I actually really like that Brendon walked out though. Not that it was /good/ or anything, but it was . . . realistic. I like that he's at the end of his rope. It sucks. It's horrible. He'll regret it. I get the feeling that if Ryan hadn't died, Brendon would have come back, which makes it all the more heart-breaking.
For the most part, I liked it. Or rather, it was written well. It's hard to like a piece like this because it's really ugly. That doesn't mean it's written bad, just that it hurts to read. Like one of my favorite movies "Closer" that I can only watch every so often 'cause it hurts so bad.
“I can’t even write. The words don’t want to come out. They spill onto the pages in dull clumps. It’s not right, not good. I have to be able to write. I’m the writer.”
I like this. But I think the third line might work better out of dialogue. It seems a bit too formal mixed in with the rest of the sentence. I still like the line; I just would prefer it unspoken and narrated instead.
I think the present-tense narrative works really well here. Because it's not a moment that has happened, but a moment that is happening. As we read, it's unfolding. We're not being told, we're seeing.
I'm stuck on the ending. I don't dislike it. I just think that for the actual ending, it would work better as a oneshot, because I didn't feel the growth from desperation to jumping off the building. Maybe not even a really long oneshot, just more. I felt more like Ryan was clinging to Brendon and I didn't see why he went from the desperation to the . . . ending of his life.
I actually really like that Brendon walked out though. Not that it was /good/ or anything, but it was . . . realistic. I like that he's at the end of his rope. It sucks. It's horrible. He'll regret it. I get the feeling that if Ryan hadn't died, Brendon would have come back, which makes it all the more heart-breaking.