April 14th, 2011 at 11:09am
I loved the fact that this was short and simple, yet every line and question was powerful. If that makes sense?
I liked that the narrator questions herself on everything she did wrong or could have done differently, and we (the readers) don't quite find out what she's talking about until the very end. I thought it was really neat that at the end the girl was given a second chance to make things right and actually do things differently.
Overall I think you did a great job (:
The very beginning kind of confused me for a second there, but I think that's just my tiredness, not your writing (I thought it was being written in third person, then randomly switched to first).
About a third of the way through, I'm a little lost and am noticing a few period where there should be question marks, but other than that, it sounds good and there's nothing that makes me want to stop reading.
I like how she daydreamed about interrupting him with a kiss. I love that; I do it all the time, haha. I also like the wording. After building up this fairytale image of (in my head, anyway) a girl twirling around in a flowing dress, with her arms curled up at her chest, holding her own hands, and a big smile on her face as she tells of her fantasy, it stops abruptly with reality- I like that, as well.
I wish he would knock on my door and tell me he forgot to tell me something and then he would kiss me right there in my front porch. - That is probably one of my favorite parts so far (in case you didn't notice, I'm typing this comment as I read), but 'in' should be 'on'. Pesky typos: they get us all.
No, all I was worth to him was a simple seven letter text message. - You mean seven word?
The ending was sweet, and I really like(d) this piece. I'm still a little confused as to what exactly happened between them, though.
..But, that's probably because it's after one in the morning and I'm all tired and distracted and my head is hurting from trying to study my worst subject. So you shouldn't worry too much about that little tidbit, I don't think. <3
Overall, I think you did a pretty swell job. Keep up the good work. (: