Degausser - Comments

This is a very interesting story so far. It's interesting seeing all the characters starting to drift away and realize more about themselves after losing their friend. It's all very well detailed which i liked but i feel like it may be going a bit slow right now. or its just me i don't know.
but really interesting, you can really feel the pain of all the guys and how they are all being effected greatly by the death of their friend. the story is really good so far. keep it up, it's very interesting.

Oh my gosh is all I have to say! The first chapter is by far the best first chapter that I have read in a very long time, it has captured my interest and attention within the first paragraph which doesn't happen very often. I am a huge fan of Big Time Rush so I was extremely excited when I fell upon this addictive story! I not only am in love with this story but I am also in love with the banner

I did find that some paragraphs were quite long and blocky which isn't my favourite to read just because it's not exactly the easiest to read and I find that it makes the content look cluttered, but that is easily fixed and it is just my opinion. I usually like to read stories that have twists along the way in the story but I actually quite enjoyed how you wrote the major part of the story in the first chapter, your writing and grammar is wonderful so that makes the story easy to read. I am a massive fan of Carlos so this really hit home with me because it was so sad, but at the same time I am addicted to this story.

This seems to be a popular story and there's isn't a reason is shouldn't be popular. I've never read something with a twist like this one before. Oh, and I'm just a little confused as to why they wouldn't call 911 right away, but otherwise, I love it! keep up the great writing.

Oh my. This is so sad, yet I really love it. Being a HUGE Big Time Rush fan, I can say that this actually hurt. I cried haha. But yeah, I really love this and can't wait for more.

I cried. A lot.

To be honest, I never really watched too much Big Time Rush, my seven year old brother forced me to watch it every weekend, but I have to admit, I don't regret it. It made reading this story just a little better, if that's possible because your writing is phenomenal (I think I spelled that right o,o). To know that they're actually great friends and all the antics they get into on the show just makes you realize how close the characters are.

The layout is great. Most layouts on here are either too bright, or too simple, but this has a good balance between the two. I always love banners :) Your summaries are always great (yeah, I creeped and read some of your other stories xD). This one especially pulled me in.

First, second and third chapter made me cry. I know already said that, but I'm just going to keep saying it because it was great. I've never lost anyone close to me, but just the idea of it made me cry as well. Your detailing is always fantastic. It's like you could take an event that happened in thirty seconds and make an entire chapter about it because of how you describe the setting and the feelings and the senses. I'm not one to edit punctuation, but from what I did see, you're spot on :)

I loved it, and I can't wait for an update. I subscribed :)

Im obsessed with this story. Your writing is perfect too, there are no gaps in your writing, it just all fits together. AMAZING chapter. keep going because i luv em'! haha :)

Sorry to comment twice, but in my previous comment, when I said that their should be their (facepalm) I meant it should be there. :)

Layout/Summary

First off, I love the use of size difference in your summary. It looked really neat. I wasn't a huge fan of the background, just because it didn't repeat itself smoothly but that's really just a small thing. The banner was really well-done as well. I'm going to mention now that I'm not sure who Logan Mitchell and James Diamond are or what fandom they are so I'm just going to be reading this as an original. :) The summary was very intriguing; it made me want to read your story. :) I'm going to be honest and say that I'm not sure what your title actually means, which did throw me off the slightest. But, nonetheless, moving on.

Chapter 1.

Once again, I love how you started your chapter with a sentence in a difference size, and I loved the quote itself; Paradise Lost, if I'm correct? It made me look forward to the chapter. I really loved those first three paragraphs or so; you did a great job at conveying the emotion James was feeling and your writing style was very good; you managed to get your point across without making things too flowery or absurd.

One thing I like is that you include some detail about how the main character's look. This is particularly useful to me, since I don't know the fandom that this is based off of. I think that there could have been a bit more physical detail added in, particularly about James, but that's just a small issue. (: While on the topic of characters, I loved how real Kendall's reaction to the situation seemed. I know that, if someone told me that my friend had died, I wouldn't know what to do, other than sit down and cry for a bit. That just seemed very human, if that sounds right.

This was definitely a good way to start off the story; it started the action immediately and it also set off enough questions to keep me interested. I also know now that the fandom is Big Time Rush / Supernatural, but I've never seen either show or heard BTR, so I'm still going to read it as an original.

Chapter 2.

...his eyes falling onto the back of the one girl that had stood by him for four years as if somehow he could find the answers in the blue lint that clung to her white t-shirt. I loved the extra little detail in that line, of the blue lint on her shirt. That made it seem even more real; I could picture it perfectly.

I don't really have much else to say about this chapter. I like how you talked about the different ways Kandi and Logan have of dealing with their grief but this chapter didn't seem to really do anything for me. I'm not saying that to be rude; you are definitely a good writer but I just didn't feel any emotional reaction to this chapter in particular.

Chapter 3.

Six hands were clasp into one another... I feel like that should be clasped instead of clasp. I may be wrong, however; the sentence sounds strange either way. =/

Their was that familiar shimmer in his aged brown eyes... That should be their. Although I haven't finished the chapter, I really loved that you wrote the boys as holding hands. I think that makes their grief seem even more powerful, since they're literally clinging to each other for support. I'm not sure how I feel about that last line; although I liked the ominous tone it set up, it didn't seem to fit in with the overall tone of the story, although it is hard to explain why. I just feel like there may have been a more effective way to create that suspense without just saying that one line. I'm sorry if that's coming off as rude, by the way; I really don't mean to be. =/

Chapter 4. / Conclusion.

Overall, I think that this story is off to a good start. I like how you started out with such a huge event, to propel the action forward and give a good guiding point. Your writing is very good and, for the most part, there were not any mistakes that distracted me from the reading. I must admit, however, that I didn't really feel much as I read; although I did relate with how the characters dealt with their grief, there was just something missing. I know that's absolutely no help to you as an author but I thought I would mention it anyways. Although I probably wouldn't have read this on my own, I think that it is off to a good start and that the concept sounds neat. :)

I really like the layout, the colours, banner and background all work together to give the story that kind of suspenseful, mysterious vibe. One little criticism that I'd have is that, although I like your background, the pattern is not a pattern that is easily repeated and it looks kinda awkward? But that's a minor issue, haha. I also like your summary, you're giving enough away so the reader knows what's going on without giving too much information away, very intriguing.

I really like your descriptions and your choice of words and the fact that you don't use flowery sort of descriptions to get your point across, you're just as compelling of a writer without the sophisticated words. I like the fact that you've weaved the character's appearance into the story subtly, without making it obvious. :)

Well done, keep up the good work.

I read the first few paragraphs, and it really, really pulled me in. I think I'll be reading the rest of it somewhere later this week. A story has never pulled me in like that, not in the beginning.

One
That is a really lovely opening paragraph. I quite like how you’ve phrased the whole thing. You allude to this gradual process which indicates that a lot of it will be of remembrance, like because it’s gradual the individual will be taking a whole lot in compared to someone who lives on a fast track and forgets a lot of the things that happen. Yet, the paragraph takes on a paradoxical tone, that one day you wake up and realize you’re no longer the kid you used to be. In a way, it’s just amazing – because if life were gradual for an individual, in a sense you wouldn’t really have that process of waking up one day and realizing who you are. But that’s what happens. And it just creates this lovely paradox in the paragraph.

Life just loses its beauty, and all you’re able to see is the ugliness. – I like this line here, it’s a perfect way to end that introductory paragraph. It’s definitely clear with the link to what was said in the paragraph. When you’re young, you have an innocence, and as you grow older, you begin to see the ugly aspects of life. I think you really just complimented that all really well.

I also like that the next sentence, For James Diamond, that hardening happened over the course of forty-eight hours. reflects the difference between ‘most people’ and the character(s) that this story will follow. Yet there’s still that relation about growing up and then suddenly waking up one day wondering where all the innocence went.

James turned to walk away, assuming that Carlos had had a girl over or something, but – I reckon you don’t need that comma after ‘away’ in there. I think it has a better flow without it, and then it also doesn’t make the reader have to constantly pause with the other commas in the sentence.

The body on the bed didn’t budge, and that was what terrified James the most, the fact that he couldn’t see Carlos’s chest lift upwards with each slow and steady breath. That he didn’t hear the obnoxious snore that had constantly kept him up at night for over three years. – I feel that all of that should be in one sentence, because the last sentence read on its own doesn’t have an obvious connection within the previous sentence. If you were to read it on its own without knowing what had been said, it wouldn’t make much sense. It just feels incomplete. I was thinking that you could maybe just go like: breath – that. I don’t feel like that would make the sentence super long, it would have an appropriate pause. :)

There was no way any of this could be real. This was just another one of his nightmares, and he kept waiting to wake up in a cold sweat in his bed, but it never happened. – I really like how this reflects that first paragraph again. It’s that wishful thinking that you know is never going to happen because you’ve no longer got that innocence.

I’m wondering if this will be something that is kind of explained later on, or is just something briefly mentioned or whatever; but I’m wondering why it wasn’t the first instinct to call the police after going to Kendall. Like, I would assume that maybe Logan has a leadership role in the plot of the story – or there’s just something else in it that would make James not comfortable calling the police right off the bat seeing Carlos dead, or even going to Kendall and then calling the police. Either way, I thought it was something worth bringing up, just in case there is a connection later on, or if there’s something else within it at all.

Two
This is kind of neat, but there’s this whole running connection of beds, which again relates to that very first paragraph and the idea of wanting to go to sleep to wake up innocent again. And it really begins to compliment the plot because the three guys have found out that their friend is dead – and that’s something that really wipes away all possibility of innocence.

I like that this chapter breaks away from the main tragedy of the plot – and in itself creates a newer kind of tragedy between the pair. It’s almost like because of Carlos dying, there may be something coming between Kandi and Logan. It just feels like there would be a conflict arising from that.

Three
Their was that familiar shimmer in his aged brown eyes that caused Logan to lower his head and – there

I think you’ve written this quite well, and I can’t help but think that the constant theme of innocence and the defeat of it by dark things shines through so well. It is honestly the only thing I could keep thinking of as I read these three chapters. It just reads so well, and is so relatable to everything that has been said. And then the last line of the third chapter; Little did they know, this was only just the beginning… just really hints at the fact that they will lose their complete innocence and nothing is ever going to be the same again.

I like that you don’t use flowery imagery, or go on huge spiels about characters, but you give off enough information, and progress far enough into themes to get a point across. These are honestly really well done chapters, and it’s really great how you set all of this emotion up, and the guys aren’t even aware that this was only just a beginning. :) It’s very well done. :)

I'm curious how the title will play into the story; looking it up, a degausser is used for minimizing electric fields, so perhaps minimizing the amount of people in the story? I dunno, it leaves a good bit of interest for me to want to know more about with it.

The summary, with the size of the first and final lines, sort of seems off to me. I think that pushing the final line over to the right would make it look better. The layout itself is nice, though I'm not a huge fan of the font in the banner, it all sort of works. The link color and story area color are to die for, though :D The summary itself, though, is wonderfully confusing. It intrigues you, but doens't give away very much. The last line is the most confusing, though; I've no clue what you're getting at.

I read the first chapter to get an idea of what I was getting into, and I have to admit, I'm not a huge fan of WHOKILLEDHIM;_; stories. I like the inclusion of the quote/lyric at the top, though. I like how it's a two years back thing, how terrified James seems to be about his friend not really responding and then how BAM Carlos realizes what happens. Was he murdered, poisoned, drugged? Sort of mystery, there, but I'm sure that'll be explained through the story. I love the mention of the plan, heh. I'm the same way; always have to be a plan.

I'm going to look up the Degausser song's lyrics when I finish the review, mostly 'cause I'm jamming to 3OH!3 right now and I can't bring myself to pause it Anyways, I'm not familiar in the slightest with Supernatural or Big Time Rush, so keep in mind that I'm reading this as OF with characters who happen to be famous?

The quote leading in to chapter two makes me wonder if this chapter'll deal with significant others. And I was totally right, yes~

The pain that Logan feels towards Carlos is wonderfully conveyed; I can almost feel his pain and relate and it's nice. I love even more how he picks up on the blue lint on her shirt, ohmygod. I can't even tell you how many times I've flubbed up on an inspection and then started staring at my inspector's uniform and getting more points off for breaking bearing to point out 'uh, your honor stars are off, the tips touch the seam, not a quarter inch under.' But I do it a lot, okay?

Kandi had kept her distance since she heard the news, partially because she didn’t want to feel like she was intruding on their grief but mostly because that was the way she dealt with things: on her own.

I had to read this sentence a few times for it to make sense. I think the reason why is because of the colon and then the length of the sentence itself; it was confusing and took a minute to make sense. I'm curious what has made her so hard and emotionless. Plus, the two of them being polar opposites in that aspect is nice since it shows that opposites in some traits really do react.

Ugh, I love how Kandi thinks. She doesn't deserve it, but she sticks through anyways and holds him up and it's wonderful to see the support there. I'm curious what killed Carlos, though. The saline comment a few lines up sounds really out of place, by the way. I'm not sure why, but it just doesn't work.

Hours passed without words or sleep, just two sets of brown eyes staring as two pairs of lungs expanded and collapsed in time with their lost thoughts. PERFECT ENDING TO A CHAPTER.

So, a funeral chapter? Expected, but still saddening. I'm confused how six hands clasped but only four heads bowed. I'm confused, but whatever. I love how the boys have such a wonderful, brotherly bond. It makes sense, sort of, I dunno.

Oh, minister, I get it now.

I like the final moments of sadness, remembering everything. I don't really have much to comment on for this chapter, I dunno. It's not a chapter I can find a lot to comment in because I'm content with it; it works and makes sense and it's nice. The final line is a touch cliche, but that's okay~

And hot damn, I'm excited to see how the title plays in now The song is freaking amazing lyrically, I love it.

As far as what I liked in the first chapter with plot/character/etc:

I ADORE your writing style. It's delicate, profound, and incredibly descriptive.
As pretty much every other commenter said, your details leave nothing to be missed, and how thorough you are creates a sense of realism.
I like how personal you make this even though it's third person. That's QUITE the feat, and nothing to be scoffed at.
I like the character development you used, even though there's already an assumed personality to each character since they are real people, after all. Your character choices are believable and shocking in the most pleasant of ways.

Out of pure guilt for being a screw up, I decided to do this one too.

Logan shifted onto his side, his eyes falling onto the back of the one girl that had stood by him for four years as if somehow he could find the answers in the blue lint that clung to her white t-shirt.

Maybe add a comma between ‘years’ and ‘as’?

Kandi had kept her distance since she heard the news, partially because she didn’t want to feel like she was intruding on their grief but mostly because that was the way she dealt with things: on her own.

Again, maybe a comma between ‘grief’ and ‘but’?

She’d never told these things to Logan though; Logan had a different way of dealing with grief.

Maybe use a ‘he’ or some other title for Logan, so the name doesn’t appear twice in such a close proximity.

Everything doesn’t happen for a reason, life’s not fair, and sometimes Goliath kicks the shit out of David.

LOVE this. Absolutely adore it.

Her elbow fit into the crease of his own perfectly, and his fingers laced into hers, his index finger absentmindedly tracing the never-ending infinity sign on the ring he’d given her.

Freaking fantastic.

He just wanted to feel something warm, something real, something that he could touch and feel against his skin. Something that wasn’t hollow and vacant like himself.

Although I adore it, you may want to replace the word ‘feel’ once so it isn’t repetitive.

Hours passed without words or sleep, just two sets of brown eyes staring as two pairs of lungs expanded and collapsed in time with their lost thoughts.

Absolutely awe-inspiring. It’s easily my favorite sentence of the story so far.

Again, the only thing I could corrective was the slight repetition of words in a relatively short amount of space. Your imagery and breath-taking way with words literally blew me away. Congrats on the story so far!!

Nice summary, first off. Pretty darn intriguing.

Chapter One: Just the first paragraph alone has me kinda in awe. It’s deep, but not the “Oh hey guys, I’m gonna go all Dr Phil on your butt, mmkay?”

Your imagery is profound, and your description is amazing.

They’d had plans to go to the gym that morning, the two seemed to be in constant competition over who could lift the most or run the longest, and James was determined to be faster than Carlos for once.

My SUGGESTED correction- They’d had plans to go to the gym that morning. (Replace comma with a period and start a new sentence.) The two seemed to be in constant competition over who could lift the most or run the longest, and James was determined to beat Carlos for once. (Either change “faster” or change the competition. You mention him wanting to run the LONGEST, not the fastest, and wanting to lift MORE, not faster.)

Thinking back, James missed those days. At the time, he was constantly longing to be older, to be able to drive or get into a club, but now he’d do almost anything to get his youth back.

Suggestion that’s just a suggestion, not a correction- At the time, he was constantly longing to be older; to be able to drive or get into a club. Now, he’d do almost anything to get his youth back. ← or something of the sort. It just kinda sounds a little off.

“Carlos, open up! Don’t give me that ‘you caught that stomach virus again’ bullshit, let’s go!”

Suggestion- “Carlos, open up! Don’t give me that ‘I caught that stomach virus again’ bullshit. Let’s go!”

After a few moments passed without a response from the other side of the door, James turned to walk away, assuming that Carlos had had a girl over or something, but just as he began to step away from the doorway, something held his feet to the floor.

Suggestion- After a few moments passed without a response from the other side of the door, James turned to walk away, assuming that Carlos had a girl over or something of the sort. (Just “something” sounds a little amateur, which I know you’re not. Having ‘had’ twice in a row sounds a little off. Start a new sentence because it’s a little bit of a run-on.) Just as he began to step away from the door, something held his feet to the floor. (Try ‘door’ instead of ‘doorway’ since you literally just said the word ‘way’. It keeps everything fresh.)

A sudden burst of adrenaline sent the power of his leg thrusting towards the door, and James struggled to gather himself as he stood in the doorway.

Try rewording, because again, the word ‘door’ distracts from your writing because your reader looks back and thinks “Hmm… Didn’t I just read that?”

The body on the bed didn’t budge, and that was what terrified James the most, the fact that he couldn’t see Carlos’s chest lift upwards with each slow and steady breath.

Try → …terrified James the most; the fact that…

Carlos was gone, and so was James, bolting from the apartment as quickly as his legs would take him, down the hall to Kendall’s place.

LOVE THIS.

Logan’s expression mirrored Kendall’s, except that his coffee-colored eyes darted back and forth between the two guys, his lips desperately fumbling for words as that brain of his tried to mesh everything together, come up with any sort of explanation.

Kind of a run-on.

Over all, an AMAZING story, but there’s just a few run-ons and spots where things don’t necessarily flow as well as they could. I apologize, but I can't really do all three chapters at the moment. You’ve got a LOT of potential though. Keep it up!! It's excellent.

Wow, I never realised this was a Supernatural story, so I was quite glad I claimed this.
Your writing style is really natural and easy to read. I couldn't see any problems with grammar/punctuation/spelling although I was too focused on the plotline than anything else
Your idea is really unique and I can't wait to see how your writing develops in this piece, I don't know BTR but you made the characters your own and developed them well.
Great job, well done!

Your writing structure is fantastic, but I feel like your story is a bit dry. It was hard to really love it when the words and the subject felt so cold. I know that death is sad and it should feel that way, but it's weird, because I've never come across writing like this. It isn't necessarily bad, but the subject is kind of boring.

Hours passed without words or sleep, just two sets of brown eyes staring as two pairs of lungs expanded and collapsed in time with their lost thoughts. I absolutely love this sentence. It's so beautiful.

When I say that your story is dry, I don't mean that you're a bad writer. Absolutely the opposite, actually. It's hard to explain, but your writing seems almost too intelligent.

I like your writing. I really do. It's just that the subject you picked seems a bit dry. I feel like you could write such amazing works of fiction, but this one story. I don't know. Don't take this the wrong way, please.

Have a lovely day.

I'm not much of a BTR fan, but I have to admit, he's pretty cute. The plot you have going on here really gives of a creepy/dramatic vibe. I like it; it gives me chills. I just can't help but wonder about this 'divine plan' in their future. Hmmm... The layout is grand! It adds to the whole spooky feeling. lol, while I don't really like fan-fics, I may just have to read this one. ^_^

Big Time Rush ahh :D. I really like the twist since no one would really think of putting them in the Supernatural setting. The scene seemed very detailed to me and It's very clear to imagine.

WHOA. I'm just so excited to read more!! Update soon please!! :D