Without Doubt - Comments

I can't believe I haven't commented on this before. I have absolutely loved it! :)

I don't know if your going to continue with this story, but I really like it and would love to read more.

You made me sad right at the beginning by mentioning Burish. I’m a Blackhawks fan and I was all, “Nooo, I don’t want to read about him!” because I miss him. Haha.

Adam tried tripping him, but luckily for as, the refs didn’t see.
^ I’m pretty sure that’s supposed to say ‘us’?

spacejunkie had mentioned that you rely on readers having prior knowledge in hockey, while I think you did a decent job having enough description where it’s pretty clear what’s going on – even with the hockey terms thrown in. Even with throwing other names in I think it’s fairly clear. Like with this:

Holly Luich and Adam Burish were like the re-invented Patrick Sharp and Adam Burish. Attached at the hip, constantly causing problems for Coach Crawford. Joe, our GM, adored the duo, and let them get away with murder.

That pretty much describes it right there; the readers don’t really need to know any more.
I’d suggest, though, giving Holly more description when Kari talks about how he likes American women. The stereotypical American women many people think about is very different than the American woman hockey player in both physical and mental attributes.

Good first chapter.

[font=1]So, to begin with, I don't know how appropriate a Joseph Stalin quote is if this is about sports in America. That's your call, and it doesn't go to the substance of the story, but just to me, it looks a bit suss. The rest of your quotes are also pretty eclectic, but I think they're fine. Star Trek, for instance, is quintessentially American, rather than the opposite of that.

I have to say also that I really like your chapter titles. They give me a bit of a feel for what's going down before I read each segment, which helps to draw me in.

Now, onto the actual chapters.

You mentioned that you're worried about whether this is any good. I wouldn't be. Generally, I think you have a knack for painting images, and defining characters. I wouldn't say that this is boring to read at any point. Occasionally, you could break up your sentences for a bit of fluidity. For example, as your very first line, you have this:

I watched the object of my affection skate around our half of the ice at the American Airlines Center, racing Adam Burish, and seeing who could spray more ice onto Sean Avery each time they passed, further infuriating the left winger that she would be up against tonight.

I would probably chop that in half at some point, maybe before you get to 'infuriating'.

A few other sentences, like this one, also don't read quite right:

I had always found the American women beautiful. Don’t get me wrong, Finnish women were gorgeous, but they just didn’t compare.

Maybe it's a syntax issue, and you should rephrase? I'm not sure.

Other than that, though, I think you write well. You certainly seem to have an idea in mind, and everybody in this story has a personality. The only thing that might stop you from attracting a wider audience is the fact that you seem to rely on your readers having some hockey knowledge in order to enjoy this. For instance, you refer to players names, and then compare your characters to those players as a means of describing them.

That's not necessarily a problem. It just means that you'll be writing mainly for people who are like you, rather than for everybody.

You also introduce a bit of drama early on, which is good.

The last thing I have to comment on is the way you break up your chapters into different people's points of view. Personally, I don't find that appealing, but as long as it's what your audience wants, then, again, I don't see why it should pose problems for you.

Good luck with writing the rest of this story!

Awww so excited. "once you go hockey-boy, you never go back" bahahaha. Great stuff. Not enough Kari in this world. Keep it up.

<3 it!

This story is precious. c:

EHH!!! I LOVE IT!! :) its cute :p and i love stories when the girl plays hockey ;) keep it up