Introvert's Mind - Comments

I really like the summary of the story and the story it's self. I love the layout too. The way you describe things is amazing, and the story is very well written. There are only two things that I noticed. In the second chapter it's hard to tell at first what Thomas's sisters name is. Clary or Carly. The other things was that you use the word 'Latter' a lot. Other than that, I really like this story. :)

Alright, so I read all the chapters so far, and it's turning out to be really good. This may sound weird, but one factor that I like in your writing is the pace. The progression of the story isn't too slow nor to fast, and I see that in some stories, but here, to me it's just perfect. I get the feeling Dakotah will be a main part in the story, and I'm glad you didn't just like right off the bat start the story with her as a centerpiece.

I didn't find anything wrong grammar wise, but if I had one nitpick, it's how you use 'The boy' or 'The teenager'. I know it's not really a big deal, and hardly something worth changing, but I'm fine with just reading 'Thomas' or 'he'. Whenever you used 'the boy', for a split second I'd always imagine some little 10-year old in Thomas's place, ahah.

Anyways, I like chapter 3 with the whole fair setting. At the end, I smiled a bit because of how he'd never forgot that Dakotah first talked to him. It really shows how... I don't know the words for it... hm, how [memorable/desirable?] Dakotah is. I'm looking forward to how Thomas will react to this, and hence, I'll subscribe! You have a really good story here and it was fun reading it, thanks for recommending it to me :')

3rd Chapter review!

So, you missed a few commas at the beginning, just to let you know. I can't quote it as I'm on my wii, but it was usually after the word although. There was one where it was like, "Luke (fact here) although (some stuff here)." And it needed to be "Luke, (fact here), although (more stuff here)." Sorry if that didn't help.

There was one thing you missed - the giant sunglasses on the stoner banana! Haha. I don't know where you live that the fair games are so cheap, but I just went to the Orange County fair in CA not too long ago and the dart game was 16 bucks for 3 darts!

Yeah, California's pretty stupid.

Anyway, you have great description, but something threw me off, and that's how long your paragraphs were. I think if you maybe cut them down a bit, they'll seem less squished and less intimidating.

Lookie! This story is on my list of what to read. I'll have to read the other chapters later. =)

First I love your layout
Second I love your summary and title
It drew me in so far I couldn't believe it hehe

Now onto your story
I really in fact enjoyed this
This story has so much promise to it.
I love how you wrote this, you have a good eye for detail
Everything is explained just right.

I can't wait to see more
Keep up the good work
<3

For starters, the summary is just amazing in my opinion. Makes you feel insignificant but shows how lucky people are. That really caught my attention.
This has a lot of potential & I'm definitely subscribing.

To begin, the layout I find to be quite lovely, being as it is quite simple and the colors work well together.

I found the statistics to be quite interesting, especially after reading the last line of the summary. It does make you think, that if some finds "the one" then they must be incredibly lucky, what with the 6 billion other people in the world.

This seems interesting so far, just from reading the summary so I may check back on it. :) Nice job

I like the layout - it's simple but still nice to look at :)
so i'm guessing this is the beginning of summer vacation?
i love the way you described the excitement- that's truly how it is!
i have to agree; not seeing some of the people is nice, i agree with thomas on that
i like how you described him perfectly and I already have a feel for him
the girl's clutching to their friends and how he said it sarcastically was perfect - i adored that.
aw Luke sounds really, really nerdy... haha xD
oh how fun - get right out of school and go to your car to drink and smoke;
those people are going very far in life i must say :) haha
oh a toughass girl! i have to admit i do always like the tougher girls in stories :)
even if she's popular - she's tough - and i do like that :)
i love your writing style - it's professional but no overwhelmingly good, do you know what i mean?
very good start :D

Hey! I really liked this story. It's nice and flows just the right way. You don't seem to rush or slow it down too much, either.

For some reason though, this reminds me of the movie Crime and Punishment in Suburbia The main character (the guy) seems a bit like Thomas :) and I like those kind of characters. The "different" type of person, quiet but yet not so overwhelming or obnoxious (I've seen too many emo inspired characters on here).

Anyway, I think your language is good and your chapters are well written and all in all just seemed natural (wish I had that talent).

So, I am subscribing :) Oh, and I did this 'cause of your comment swap in your journal entry :) I'd like you to comment on Darkness Rising If you could. It's a co written story :)Hey! I really liked this story. It's nice and flows just the right way. You don't seem to rush or slow it down too much, either.

For some reason though, this reminds me of the movie Crime and Punishment in Suburbia The main character (the guy) seems a bit like Thomas :) and I like those kind of characters. The "different" type of person, quiet but yet not so overwhelming or obnoxious (I've seen too many emo inspired characters on here).

Anyway, I think your language is good and your chapters are well written and all in all just seemed natural (wish I had that talent).

So, I am subscribing :) Oh, and I did this 'cause of your comment swap in your journal entry :) I'd like you to comment on Darkness Rising If you could. It's a co written story :)

I love how you contrast the chaos of the halls with Thomas' quiet, contemplative walk down the hallway. You really see and feel everything andd how chaotic it is through the scope of his calm.
Brilliant use of that technique. :)

It was summer, but he still didn’t know how memorable this summer would be.
I love the ending line. Very mysterious.

Chapter two and the interweaving of Thomas' home with his thought process is wonderful as well.
I really enjoy seeing this through his eyes.

The last line of this chapter had a pull on me as well.

Thomas had turned up the volume of the radio, hoping that the music would put things at peace and would restore his faith in humanity.
It has a wonderful haunting, sad quality to it that forces you to feel right along with Thomas.

I'm excited to see where this goes, so I'm subscribing. :3

First off, love the summery. It really made me want to read the story. Not to mention the layout want well with the story...at least thats what I think. I love the description. The one this I might offer is to make a little more space for your writing because to me it was hard to read the outside words because they were to close to the blue background. But other then that I loved the story and i will keep reading. Keep on writing. :)

I'm sorry this is a bit late, I got distracted by livestream :)

I love the layout, its simple but its really pretty. The summary itself is very interesting and immediately makes me want to read more :)
Now, your story is incredibly written it must be said. I love the detail you've put in your descriptions and it instantly draws me in. I just feel like this is perfectly written as an outside person's perspective, by that I mean it feels like I'm watching the scene from above as it occurs. Which is a very interesting affect and I really enjoyed it. Haha, our characters have the same name (although mine doesn't have the h on the end :P) This is very interesting, I really like Thomas as a character. I love how this chapter is written and it's just an all round wonderful story :)

The lay out and banner are pretty. :) The banner reminds me of the whole thing of
See no evil, hear no evil, and speak no evil. There’s only one problem with the lay out, it seems like the words are a bit too close to the edge of the story area. Maybe make the story area a bit bigger? Or the Font smaller?

The summary grabbed my attention right away. And I learned something.

Chapter 1
This was a slightly funny chapter. The descriptions were well placed and well written. I just wish that there were more interaction between the characters. :3

Chapter 2
This was a sweet chapter. I loved it.

This entire story so far has me wanting me to read more. I’m definitely subbing. :3

Okay, I exploded internally at the summary. It was an incredible hook and I think everybody loves a good summary that ties in good hard facts and figures. :D

The first thing I'd say is I'd prefer for you to either break up the paragraphs a little more, or tweak the layout so there is some padding either side of the text because with paragraphs that size it's a little sore on the eyes. Other than that they layout is gorgeous, though it should be said. :)

I loved the dramatic change in tone from where Thomas was alone and looking from the outside in, on his schoolmates and where Luke entered the scene. I think you introduce their friendship and personalities very well in that tiny exchange.

"She was Dakotah Samuels and that's all she needed to be." That sentence was the clincher for me in regards to Dakotah, before I found her your generic bad girl -which there is nothing wrong with, it's perfectly realistic- and then she was your generic bad girl with a flare. It's one of those sentences you read and you just have to smile appreciatively regardless of who it's about and what your previous opinions of them were, yanno?

"It was summer, but he still didn’t know how memorable this summer would be." UHH, hello excitement much? Jeez, I'm excited now. How dare you end it there, and just- Afffft. I want more now. Seriously. You can't do this to me. You. Cannot. Do. This.

This is going to be my guilty pleasure fic. For what reason it's a guilty pleasure I don't know, but I just know I'm going to enjoy it. Which means you have to update. :3 No, really. I'm genuinely excited for this, it has oodles of potential. If this was in book form on my lap, I'd be into the forth chapter by now, that's excitement.

I was going to sweep this for mistakes but I can't now because you've ruined it for me with vague hyper-activity. Your characterisation, flow, and general writing style are seriously lovely. You've quickly grabbed my attention missus - I suggest you run with it.

:) <3

The last sentence of the chapter really sets up the story. I already love Dakota because I wish I had that much confidence. I think you should make the text a bit bigger, I almost didn't want to read it because it appeared so daunting. Luke seems to be a geeky character I will come to love.He's adorkable. :) Good job, I'll look forward to updates.

The summery really caught my attention, making me want to read the first chapter as soon as I could, which is great because it lures in more readers.

The first chapter was amazing :) I loved the detailed paragraphs, the lack of mistakes and the realness of it. I felt like I was right there with the character. The end line was lovely too, making me want to read more (so of course, I'll sub).

You are a great writer and I can't wait to read more.

Firstly, before I comment on the story proper, I just want to get this one suggestion out of the way- please put some margins in. The way the text is squashed against the frame right up to the pixel makes it very difficult to read.

As for the story itself, I really like the amount of detail you've put in, and the fact that you take your time establishing the setting. I feel that this approach is much more professional than just rushing into a story, and it put me at ease, answering questions and dealing with the groundwork straight away.

The first chapter is a good length, your style is simple but effective, and you choose your words evocatively. I like the way you describe your characters from all angles- their tendencies, the way others view them comparatively and what they are doing, as well as just what they look like.

Finally, you wind up the chapter well, so that it's contained within itself as a complete introduction. This looks like it will be the beginning of something good!

I love the summary and layout first of all.

Secondly, the first chapter seemed flawless. Sorry if I don't comment on spelling and since the main thing I look at is content. I really wasn't sure where it was going until you got to Dakotha. Once you started to describe her I really could just picture it and sense her a bit.

I really like that stats for the summary, it really shows how incredibly insignificant we are but how lucky we are too, and I really like that. It's one of those summaries that really caught my eye.

Just taking a glance at the chapter, I would definitely try to break up the paragraphs a little more, they seem a little unappealing almost like a wall of text because they're so big. I really did like the first paragraph though, at first I was a little confused with everything at first but I liked a couple bits- open lockers and flying papers, I definitely liked that. Though, for the number ten I'm pretty sure you're supposed to write it out.

"...say sappy goodbyes to people that they didn't like that much,"
I don't know why but I thought that was like the essence of the last day where people have these heartbreaking goodbyes with people they don't even like, 'cause that's what teenagers do.

"...which [he] pushed away.."

I think Thomas is a really interesting character, I like how he's so introverted because I think those perspectives pick up on the little things people usually miss, and the way he thinks I think is really interesting. And how he's sort of not in the scene at all, just watching. Dakota definitely caught my eye, I'm always drawn to the shit-not-given attitude characters, and I liked the way you described. Not the prettiest or the skinniest but everyone wanted to know her.

I am definitely excited for this. It seems like it could have a lot of potential! :D

I really love the summary, It drew me in to really wanting to read this story.
The layout is amazing and gave me the mood and feel of this story.
I love the first chapter and how you describe everything.
I can't wait for more and I for sure will be subscribing. <3

I'm defiantly subscribing to this! I loved it so much! The layout looks really cool and goes really well with the story. I found it very relatable. The title really caught my eye. As I read the chapter I want to know what happens next. Keep writing. :D