April 26th, 2011 at 01:10am
This is good! I loved reading this. I thought it was awesome when you mentioned Green Day. I'm a dedicated fan, lmao. Jwsus of Surburbia. My crush learned that today on his guitar. <3
I love Devon/Rodrick! <3 I also love what you're doing. This is really cool, and gosh, long. I think, though, that you should fill the background where the words are, it's a bit hard to read.
Alex is a douche! Emily is a douche! They can go chill in douche hell! Lmao.
I like what you're doing. It has lots of detail and dialogue which balances each other out. Great job! *subscribe
Firstly, before I get onto the story proper, the layout. Having all that swirly pattern right behind the text makes it really difficult to read, especially when you have large blocks of text that I had to kind of peer at around the background. Consider changing the space behind the text to just a plain colour, black or white.
The summary was unproblematic. It was perhaps a mouthful to start with such a giant paragraph, especially when there was no particular hook or question posed at the beginning. You more or less just launch into telling us what the story is about. Consider being less direct, or maybe break that up into two paragraphs.
The first chapter was also for the most part good. You don't have any glaring problems with spelling, grammar or sentence structure, which made this easy to read. Your dialogue was fine. If you wanted something to improve on, you could consider adding a bit more detail about what is going on in the background during that first, opening conversation. Never leave us hanging too long with the setting of our story- it can make readers feel lost and tempt them to skip ahead. You already include some explanation of what's happening around the characters' speaking, but it wouldn't hurt to flesh that out even more.
I might also think about turning the separate chunks of that long first chapter into several smaller chapters, but that's just a subjective thing.
Anyway, this seems fine overall. It's a fairly plain topic for a story, but you can do a lot with that if you're creative with the characters. A little bit more colour in the description and a little less behind the text in the layout would help, but I don't see why you shouldn't attract a few more readers.