July 31st, 2011 at 02:09am
The flames were a burning red colour - I don't think you need the word colour in there. :) The sentence works perfectly well without it. :)
I like how in those first few lines, a conversational tone is kinda set up, rom them, no, they... :) It's quite neat. :) And I like how there's this defense straight off - but we're not sure who the enemy is and why there's conflict. :)
The youngest person in the crowd was a boy of fourteen years and seven months. - I don't know what it is yet, but it feels like his age is meant to be of a significant importance. :) Like, just because there's a definite number down to the month, it feels like we should remember this, or at least really remember him.
but this crowd were determined - but this crowd was determined
I like how you briefly describe the feeling of the rebels, and how they didn't care if anyone would get hurt - their message was important. It kind of breaks it away from how people used to revolt and such about society - generally people wouldn't want people to get hurt, but in this case it's different. And it really signifies that this might not be a society that we are acquainted with.
Nothing big had happened recently, no new laws, nothing in the political matter and yet here they were, fighting away to get their message across and around the politics world. - what I like about this, and the paragraph before it, is that it reinforces the confusion as to why people are rebelling, and it's neat that you're keeping it away from the reader too. :) It just really compliments the confusion. :)
I get the feel of cult like behaviour as the story goes on. And it seems that at their willingness to die, they've got a cult leader who has instilled beliefs and such in their heads. And it also kind of seems religious in a way, because we don't know why they're rebelling, they are so sure that they would die for their cause, and it's like they'll become martyrs of whatever they're following. It's interesting.
Their rush of adrenaline that they gained at the start was wearing off gradually, their energy slowly draining but their determination filling up. - I would say that as they keep breaking through, adrenaline would be rising because they're getting somewhere. It doesn't seem right that they would lose adrenaline in a revolt/rebellion. It doesn't quite fit at all.
by a third and forth - fourth. The way you used it generally means something like come forth, forward. :)
A boy of nineteen and three days - again, you use the definite age, and with this boy, it definitely does feel like there's an air of importance around him.
place then one would think. - than
I think it's an interesting concept behind the story - and what I gathered from it was something to do with fear and possibly hysteria, and dealing with the unknown. :) And I like how you executed it. You didn't really let the reader know what was going on, and that put them in the same position as the people in the crowd, the people in the building and the officers. And what made it better were the phrases that were spoken and painted, because anyone who saw them wouldn't understand them at all. I think also because they were rather different, it just would dumbfound people. Like I'm sitting here wondering what the people would have thought they were doing...
I don't know. :) It's just really interesting, and how so much is left unsaid, that it still makes it a pretty good read. :)
I agree with the comment the Mibban above me posted. It was a VERY good read :D