June 6th, 2012 at 06:07am
I feel like the phrase, "she always saw him left," sounds kind of awkward. Perhaps, you could say, she always watched him leave.
Now, onto the real review/comment! Oh gosh, it was beautiful! I really love the emphasis of the creeping sadness, because in essence that's what it was. It would weave its way in and out of the consciousness of Z's life. Ryan's control of their "relationship" was realistic, usually people tend to put it from one extreme to the other. You kept Ryan realistic, and there's this child-like air about Ryan that most cannot capture (Dru is perfect on this though), the fact the Ryan didn't want to settle down said a lot about him. At the same time it left me with questions, is it because of Ryan's crappy childhood? Does he fear being like his father? However, this is Z's story, not Ryan's and you make that perfectly clear.
The imagery you created was amazing, my personal favorite was:
Their relationship was like a game they played. At night, after a few drinks, if anyone saw them together they’d think that they really were together and in love. They’d head to Z’s apartment and fall into bed, limbs tangled and lips pressed messily together. But Ryan always snuck out before the sun rose. Z would wake up, but she’d pretend she was sleeping.
Overall, bravo! If I could grade this I'd give you a 9.5 out of ten ^.^ Very nicely done!
(Comments after reading the ending:) Good for her realizing that she doesnt want Ryan! But oh. It's still depressing.
But that is a good thing! It was definitely the vibe I was getting from the story as a whole, tying it all together. I don't know who this Ryan or Z people are, seeing that this is a fanfic, but you wrote in a way that successfully made me feel for both of them, especially Z. I wish I knew her actual name, haha.
And also, that second section about her contemplating her want to leave was my absolute favorite. part. That whole this was nearly perfect.