Thunderstorm - Comments

PoeticMess made great points, lol.
Overall though, this was very heartwarming.
I liked it a lot, and do think you should continue. (;;

Btw, you should bring the storm in again. Use it to set the mood. That's still missing from this. It's a major flaw seeing as this is called Thunderstorm.

Glad you made that into one word, as well. I just noticed that. :DDDD

It's a lot better. :P

But here's something that I forgot;

" flowing down the sky" should say flowing from the sky. So that it'll flow better. :P I had that written the first time I wrote my comment but accidently deleted everything.

" long brown wavy hair being pushed to my left side." Good! That's a great start! :D

" that melted inside of me." That kind of confused me, but it brings emotion into the story, little things like that add a lot. Good job. :P

"my heart melted inside" Kind of repeats the same thing as that ^^ .

"‘I love you Alexandria’." Yay! You used the quotes!

Btw, I'm sorry if I came off as rude the first time. I saw this story and thought it was good but I knew that it could be great if you put more effort into it! And it's really a lot better than the first time. I think people who read it won't get as distracted when they do.

Good job! Sorry if I was rude at all!

" as thunders hit down. " Thunder is a sound. It's not hitting anything. Either change this to "lightening hit down" or reword it.

I noticed that you switch tenses a lot. Try to stick to one. It'll make it seem better.

"two piercing hazel with a pint of brown eyes" this should be reworded, move "eyes" behind "hazel" it'll flow better.

Remember, commas are you friends!

" I sure am lucky." - Should be italicized or in quotes to show thoughts.

I don't understand why this is called "Thunderstorm," (Which is one word, btw.)
You need to incorporate the storm more. It's more of a setting thing right now and it really has nothing to do with their relationship. Tell how it sets the mood or something.

This is good, but I think it can be great if you fix up the things that I've mentioned. Those things really distracted me while reading and I couldn't focus on what was going on.

You need to add more detail. Tell about the girl. Saying something like, "He tangled his fingers in my brown hair, his gorgeous hazel eyes staring into my own blue ones." With what ever colors you want for her description. But she's not concrete right now, that needs to be fixed.

Overall, the biggest flaw was that this had nothing to do with the storm. It needs to be there more or taken out completely if you want this to be taken seriously. :)

Awww, that's precious. <3

I feel like this should be continued.... -hint hint-

o: