September 11th, 2013 at 03:10am
This hasn't been updated in a while, but I'm commenting anyway.
I wasn't really sure what to expect, but it is a really interesting concept you guys have got going here!
Don't give up on this, it has a lot of potential. My only critique would be to edit your chapters, because there were a few spelling/grammar mistakes in there. But we all make them, so it's just something to keep in mind. :)
First things first, I've noticed a few dialog punctuation problems in both your narratives. This is a good article to explain how to punctuate, but you can always google other sources. Also, this is another reoccurring thing between your narratives is not showing, but telling. Okay, so Carter and Scarlet are gorgeous? Why? What makes them so attractive to the narrator? You've got a little going on in describing them, but just saying they're "gorgeous" falls a little flat. There are tons of ways to describe a person as gorgeous without just telling the reader they're gorgeous. Do they have broad shoulders, toned arms, a skinny waist? Just a thought.
On a more serious note, there is something concerning to me written in Scarlet's view, the second chapter. When meeting Carter, he makes a sexual comment on her boobs. I think what you're trying to go about is to make it romantic, but instead it's an incredibly sexist and perverted comment he's making. This isn't romantic in real life; that's sexual harassment. Making this public on Mibba promotes sexual harassment because the way this is written it makes men (or women) think it's a romantic and normal thing to do to a girl. If you wanted to go for a romantic thing, you could make it sound sweeter, like "I think that shirt looks really cute on you. It's my favorite color." That doesn't sexualize her body in any way and is a ton more romantic!
I hope this helps!