Is This Really Happening? - Comments

Comment swap as well.

I would like to agree with lady of the sunshine, the story is cute, but it's all dialogue. Be descriptive, that would be the best use of POV swaps. It seems a little rushed. I can't see the layout because I'm on the mobile layout. I'm not sure if you are serious about writing or just passing the time, but I hope my critique doesn't stop you from writing.

Here from comment swap.

The layout was kind of hard to read and that kind of turned me off to this story, and I could only make it through the first few chapters. You need to work on being more descriptive; sometimes dialogue and telling the actions of the characters isn't enough. Keep up the good work, though! I'm sorry for my criticism.

I want to like your writing but I can't get over the fact that you give basically all of your main female protagonists the same name in all of your stories. Self insertion much? It's off-putting.

Okay i need more Johnny!!! Please update soon.

I got here through comment swap. I've only read the first couple chapters of this so far, but i really like it. It's very organized and flows very well. One thing that makes it hard to read though is the colors. The red on black makes it kind of hard to focus. Just thought i would mention that. But anyway, Great job! Keep it up! :)

Helllloo, I've come here via comment swap.
I've got to say, I really liked your summary.
It set things up perfectly for the first chapter.
Although I haven't really read past it, I'm just leaving you a comment to let you know I'm definitely going to continue along with this story. It's quite interesting, and I can't wait to see what happens.

-Jess xx

I like how well your summary for this was written. It lead up nicely to the first chapter. I also like how you dived right into what was happening instead of taking half a chapter to set things up. Its interesting that the story started out on May 14th and it was Jean's mom's birthday, because my birthday in May 13th :) Plus her dad sucks, I can't imagine my father leaving me somewhere. And one more thing, the layout is fine, don't listen to these other people complaining ;)

Anyways I'm not a fan of hockey or the players so It was a bit hard to get into this but you do write very well and you knew exactly how to organize your ideas for this. Keep up your good work :)

The way Jean is totally reminds me of Kristen Stewart a little bit. She is so distance and just doesn't care. I kind of like that for her. I wish she was a bit more happy to meet the team though. No one is so blah when a team is important to them. I hate her dad. His leaving her was definitely something that he gets 30 points from Gryffindor for. I mean what an asshole. Jean and John are so cute. Love their relationship. Good Job.

Hallo! I have arrived via comment swap!

Firstly, I'm in no way a hockey fan nor do I even know who Jonathan Toews is but, if that's him, which I assume it is, on the side of the layout, he's quite cute lol.

For the story, it seems interesting. Jean doesn't seem like a very social person. I mean, I call myself anti-social but she takes the cake, haha. If I was getting the chance to meet my favorite team and player (even though I don't like sports) I'd be at least a little happy! She was quite indifferent about meeting the Blackhawks.

She and her dad's relationship seems odd. I mean, she seems like she's going through good ol' teenage angst and they get along here and there. It was really messed up for him to just choose to drive the players and not his daughter. AND THEN he left her and went home without her. Granted Jonathan let her come to his place, but her dad still fails. He's fired.

But anywho, Jean and Jon seem really cute together and the story seems cute and interesting. Keep up the good work :)

The dark red font is a bit hard to read on the black font. There were a few spelling and grammatical mistakes. The summary is good for enticing the reader, but I feel like it has more detail than the actual story itself. Aside from that it's quite good, and he's cute in this. Good job doll :)

The layout is a bit too dark for my taste. Getting a bit of color somewhere ora background picture or something I think would be really good :) - while still keeping that dark aspect.

I like how bland she is as a character. Not in a bad way, but in a "i just don't care" way. Ugh, I feel her that Jean doesn't want to do graduations - those things suck - whether you're in them or viewing them.

I don't like Chelsea at all. She thinks shes the queen of everything and its ridiculous.

Overall, I really love Jean, and I think she makes a fun character. On the other side, you have slight grammar issues with punctuation and choppiness. Instead of constant dialogue, try putting in some more descriptions. I know thats really hard for some people, especially me x), but it helsp the reader understand the characters and the setting more :).

I think you have a great piece going!

Alright, well the summary seems like it's going to be one hell of a story, so I'm excited for that. I'm not, however, excited for this dark layout. It's bothering my eyes abit, and very plain. Try finding someone who could do a custom one with a banner for you (:

In the first chapter, it stood out to me that all the paragraphs started with dialogue, then description came. To me, that's boring. Why not something like He seemed to be getting a tad frustrated himself, "Do you want to come or not?" It gives variety to start with description, then pull in dialogue.

In the second chapter, it stuck out that you'd again used --- to transition the story. I feel maybe instead of doing that, there could be some sort of writing transition. It's okay to do it once in awhile, but if you do it every chapter, it's be a little lame. In chapter 3, again with the basic things & awkward --- transition. That was really the only problem I had with her during the party. She and I both ignored each other for the rest of the time.

I'm going to cut off my review here. I hope nothing offends you, I really am only trying to help. I love the plot you have going on though, so I'm going to finish reading & then tell you what I thought!

So, this is a pretty great story. I haven't the slightest clue about hockey or any of its players, but this is a really story.
One thing is, I would change the layout. It's a bit hard on my eyes, but that may just be a personal issue.
Other than that, keep going love! Well written (:

My original comment was not a very long one, based on the fact that I have no idea who Jonathan Toews is and I really only read the first two chapters. But I decided to keep reading and though I'm not familiar with the characters I'm simply treating it as an original fiction in my mind. I really like it though, as I said before. Jean is very relatable and not a typical main character, which I liked. Great job, it's very well written.

I didn't know who Jonathan Toews was until I read this. I like her personality. Well, parts of it. It reminds me of myself. I like the way you emphasis what she's like, in the beginning chapters. You're descriptive, which I like. I'm only on chapter five. I'll keep reading, and maybe even subscribe c:

Great story, can't wait to read more.

just found this story and wanted to tell you i love it so far and can't wait to read more soon...so i hope you post more soon!!
love me some tazer!