June 16th, 2011 at 02:54am
"The ethereal beauty did nothing to extinguish his despair because he had seen true beauty in her heart, and her heart and soul were laying six feet under the ground, untouchable by even a lover"
The transition from mention of beauty and asthetic ideals to her death and being laid in the ground is nicely done. I really like it. :D
"A shadow pulled down his consciousness and he slipped into blissful nothingness, a tear trailing down his hollowed cheek."
Gorgeous detail throughout! This sparked my mind to the point of mention. The concept of "consciousness" being like a curtain of sorts. :D I realllllly like the attention to detail already and I've just begun!
"She loved life too, but that was stolen from her without a warning."
Not to say that I don't like the line, because it's nicely placed and positioned, but we kind of already know she's dead. It's repetition at most, however the concept of life being "stolen" from her makes me think she died before her assumed time and/or that someone was the cause of her death.
"a white dress clinging to her figures that made her seem like an angel."
She is an angel isn't she! The descriptions tell you alone that she is. :D
"Her eyes were the color of grass on a fresh spring’s day and they were lifting him up like arms, carrying him to a place of total euphoria."
Again! Amazing concept of detail. Although we all know eyes can't lift you up it's still an amazing concept and in essense they realy do if you're looking into someone's soul! I love your choice of words.
"When she turned back around, a dandelion was in her fingers. He smiled wistfully at the familiar sight, but when he lifted his eyes to her face and saw her despair the smile disappeared. “I love you, Kale,” she whispered, before she brought the flower to her lips and blew the seeds against his face.
The seeds swirled around him as her image began to disappear, and he let out a scream as he tried to grip onto it."
That makes me happy! You did an amazing job :O AMAZING. I love the concept of her going with the seeds and just... EVERYTHING. :D
Overall I enjoyed this story greatly. Of course it's a sad coming about, from beginning to end, but it's still a wonderful story. You write rather vividly and I'm in love with your choice of words in phrases and how poetic it feels in some instances. In my mind I want to know if he gets better in the whole run of things, seeing as he's still so caught up on her. The good person in me says he'll be a victory story and he'll turn out happy but the other side of me says he'll end up in that field himself rather quickly. XD
I really liked it. You did an amazing job. :) Thanks for writing such an amazing entry for my contest. :D I'll probably snoop around at your other stories as well. Haha. You might have just made a new harmless stalker. ;)
Layout:
The layout was beautiful, and very well put-together. It was lovely, nice job. :D
Grammar & spelling:
As far as I could tell, no mistakes. :)
Content:
The descriptions and detail were phenomenal. And your use of personification... perfect. I loved how you described his emotions, and the total darkness he was in before, in a literal and emotional sense.
Darkness eclipsed the room, its rugged, pointed claws wrapped around his body and digging into his skin until it was all he was aware of.
I loved this line, and the human characteristics you gave to the shadows.
Her eyes were the color of grass on a fresh spring’s day and they were lifting him up like arms, carrying him to a place of total euphoria.
This was beautiful, too. The way you flow things together is so lovely. <3 I love it. good luck in the contest!