It has a simple start, and I always like stories that begin like that. And the entire stream-of-consciousness too, stories like that always give off this more... realistic vibe, like I can imagine them saying the words, and I really like that too.
I'm a little confused, it may just be slang, but what's the "large scale" he was seen on? And what was suggested, taking the tube (which I learned was the subway :D)? That part got me really confused.
I like the way you describe the feeling with a different moment, like the doctor's office, it really sets the mood. But I think you should end the paragraph after that, because then you talk about a "she" and for a moment I thought you were talking about the metaphorical mom. Or you could address Liz directly again.
I like how you add little things in there that make a nice touch, like the cracked bathroom. It gives a history to the character, makes them a little more realistic. It's a little confusing though, how you skip from in the middle of the subway to the morning, wouldn't it be more logical to start from the morning and then go in chronological order? Though I'm a little confused on why you would go back to his morning, is it to show that the day was incredibly ordinary to him? That it wasn't anything special, and so her appearing sort of threw things off balance?
I like the metaphor about the thread, that was really clever, aha. And how he admits his faults, it's almost like one of his major faults is that he accepts them but doesn't do anything to work on them, which I think really adds to his character because I think a lot of people do that too.
It's an interesting ending, not really resolved but left open to the imagination. I feel sort of bad for the character, how he just seems sort of... alone, but doesn't look it. He seems like the type of person people would expect to be happy, but isn't, which is really sad but I like how without saying it, you sort of give off that vibe. I really like that.
Though, I think the giant blocks of words look a little unappealing, maybe if you broke them up into more paragraphs? It would be easier and lot less intimidating, personally.
Otherwise, it's pretty good! :)
May 30th, 2011 at 02:11am
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I'm a little confused, it may just be slang, but what's the "large scale" he was seen on? And what was suggested, taking the tube (which I learned was the subway :D)? That part got me really confused.
I like the way you describe the feeling with a different moment, like the doctor's office, it really sets the mood. But I think you should end the paragraph after that, because then you talk about a "she" and for a moment I thought you were talking about the metaphorical mom. Or you could address Liz directly again.
I like how you add little things in there that make a nice touch, like the cracked bathroom. It gives a history to the character, makes them a little more realistic. It's a little confusing though, how you skip from in the middle of the subway to the morning, wouldn't it be more logical to start from the morning and then go in chronological order? Though I'm a little confused on why you would go back to his morning, is it to show that the day was incredibly ordinary to him? That it wasn't anything special, and so her appearing sort of threw things off balance?
I like the metaphor about the thread, that was really clever, aha. And how he admits his faults, it's almost like one of his major faults is that he accepts them but doesn't do anything to work on them, which I think really adds to his character because I think a lot of people do that too.
It's an interesting ending, not really resolved but left open to the imagination. I feel sort of bad for the character, how he just seems sort of... alone, but doesn't look it. He seems like the type of person people would expect to be happy, but isn't, which is really sad but I like how without saying it, you sort of give off that vibe. I really like that.
Though, I think the giant blocks of words look a little unappealing, maybe if you broke them up into more paragraphs? It would be easier and lot less intimidating, personally.
Otherwise, it's pretty good! :)