Goraphobia - Comments

The young woman is scared, but she is alive.
Personally I think it should read: “The young woman is alive, but she is scared”; because, if she’s scared, obviously, she’s alive. A corpse cannot be scared because it’s a dead hump of human-meat and other lovely things, ergo not emotions, but be as it may.

and she looks right at you when she says this.
Making the story second person directed makes the story have a more personal feel, which I very much like. Instead of reading about someone else you’re reading yourself in a strange situation. I find that very entreating… even if you are (possibly) the other gender, ha-ha. Though, at the end I see “you” has a name. Either way it’s not something you come across often that adds a great effect to the story.

This might just be me and my need to correct grammar, but when you say: “You reply with these words.” I’m sure the colon would be more appropriate than a period, and so on and so forth throughout the story. However, the chapter as a whole was done well. It was short, but at the same time it was mysterious, edgy, descriptive, and brings the reader back for more. Good job and good luck with it. :)

I barely have words to describe this story. It is different from most stories I read because of the shifts in POVs. May I add second Person POVS are my absolute favorite. I also love the descriptions in the stories really good job!

The title of this interests me. It's obviously a phobia, but of what specifically I'm not all that sure of. I want to say gore imparticular, but it could be more in depth to that. Aha! I googled it and it turns out I was wrong. It's the fear of public spaces. (: <3 That's a very intense, and curious thing. I may be wrong with the definition you had in mind, but I wonder how it could possibly relate to this story. Definitely one thing on my mental checklist to think about while I read.<3 (:

I really, really like the layout. It's a definite change from the last one (I did see that one.(: ) but I like how it's still retained some of the old features, name say, the banner. (: It's also very, very interesting. The women in the corner of it look positively mean. D: Like, the kind that'll just stab you in the back so to speak. They frighten me a tad, but I do believe they're something relative, yes. :) Everyone chooses these things for a reason.<3 Anyways, the layout: clean, modern, and readable. :) Absolutely perfect.

The summary is very, very mytersious. It's so cloudy, yet, it makes me wonder. What could be so profitable about being a cashier? What draws him to that specifically and away from what most stereotypical people in that position would indulge in? What does this have to do with the story? O:

I'm already so full of questions and this hasn't even started yet, aha. I'm going to go nuts if I don't read soon, I'm sure. One thing I'm pretty amped about is that your writing is always different. Unique. Yet, impossibly sane. Anything by you is always a helluva good read and never fails to make my mind spin. :)

Onwards! :)

1

Whabam. Yeah, that noise? It was my brain mashing into my skull from all this spinning. :) Really, this chapter is incredibly impressive. Not only does the vocabulary absolutely stun me, but the character - the personlization - and the emotions - all so tangible and raw. It just blows me away. I cannot stand how short it was, aha.<3 I'm hoping the other chapters are longer. (:

One thing I want to stretch into is that your details are amazing. They have a broad range of uses from the way you make the reader feel one with the character - especially by including them in the story - to the way you depict the envoirment we're placed in. This is a very plugged in story and I've found I quite enjoy reading it so far. :)

As for these things, I'm curious. Are they zombies? O: It might be incredibly presumptuous of me to guess this early on in the work, but I can't help it, you see. My mind is already jumping with possibilities.(: <3 Trust me, it's a good sign because you've pretty much gained yourself another subscriber. :) I'm hooked and I haven't even read much yet. I'm curious about so much - especially what happens to me, aha. Or, more specifically so, Ashton. :)

Like I said, amazing. You never cease to amaze me. :)

She trembles and sweats Her-- missing a period, unless you want to put a comma and uncapatilize the H. This first chapter was amazingly written. It made me have to read more.

You threw me off with the word ass, just because I wasn't expecting it. Wordplay here is a little unattended to.
Oklahoma! Dude, my great grandma used to live there. I used to go there all the time.

Woah, amazing. Great Depression? I don't read enough about this as I should.

"who's name is Amy"-- proper grammar here would be "whose" not "who's".

I love this chapter, as well. The parts in the paranthesis kind of confused me a bit, but other than that, it was really well written. I like your style, and I intend to read more. I want to know about Aston. I would continue on and read the third chapter, but I have 5 minutes left on my computer and some things I have to get done before I go. This was a really intriguing read, though, and I definitely will read more. I'm already subscribed. :)

One of the best things I have read on mibba in awhile. I just adore it when the characters become like real people to me, and that's exactly what happened! Smetimes when I reading I just want to rush onto the good part because the writing can't keep me interested, but that was not the case here at all. You truly have an amazing talent. Keep writing so everyone can enjoy your lovely way with words.

You're making it difficult not to subscribe to this.
The first two chapters, the end of the second one especially, are very intriguing. I also like the pace of this. It's not rushed nor does it seem dragging. It's a perfect balance so far. And I also like the style of not using quotation marks, just because it's refreshing.
I can't wait to read the whole story. I hope you'll continue this soon. :)

I have to say, I love the layout of the story,
and I love the idea of it.
It keeps my short attention span, interested...
SO, i'm subscribing, right after i post this.

Ok after reading this, I'm so hitting the subscribe button :D <3
I love the layout and it doesn't hurt my eyes which is good :)
The detail is just...eurgh >.<
Its amazing <33
Update soon, yes? (: <3

You definitely have a way with words, I can't deny that. Though the lack of a summary would, if this was not a swap, make me turn right back. I mean, a summary (or the back of a book, if you will) is designed to draw readers in. To lure them into reading your work. This didn't have that.

The chapters were confusing, and I couldn't really get any sort of clarty from them. The structure wasn't good, though the wording was. The lack of quotation marks wasn't only confusing, but as far as I know (and I'm fairly confident about this) you need to use them in order for the story not to break the grammar rule. The way you suddenly used paranthesis for the second chapter randomly was equally confusing. I'd advice you to pick one and stick with it to the end. And then of course, check with an editor whether you're allowed to ignore the grammar rule when it comes to proper dialogue formatting (which I know is a rule unless it's in script form, which this isn't really).

Um, wow. Okay.

The way you wrote this, it's as if.. It's as if a famous author wrote it or something. You are so
Beyond me or anyone on mibba with your writing. It's perfect and very obviously you know what you are doing.

I would usually say something that I don't like about your story, and I'm sorry, but I just can't do that with this one because there's nothing I don't like about it. The writing is unique, the story itself is entrancing and I guess what i don't like is that I can't read more of it yet.

I felt everything that the characters were feeling. I actually felt it! That's something I myself can never accomplish when I write.

Anyways, amazing job!

Okay, first things first, this is honestly and truly the first time I've ever read something written like this on mibba! And I'm not saying that like it's a bad thing - I just am. I'll probably have to google define Goraphobia later, but bleh, this story seems awesome enough :)

You have a lovely way of phrasing your descriptions, all quite proper and prim. It's hard for anyone to write in proper English and pull it off quite so well. You did it perfectly. And personally, especially for a die hard supernatural story fan, I am loving the twist you had in the prologue. At first, with the summary, I'd thought that it was going to be somewhat boring and what not. It certainly didn't turn out that way.

The lamps overhead are just plain ugly, with that motel-esque green that flashes in the windows, screaming FORNICATION WELCOME.

This was a hilarious description. FORNICATION WELCOME!! Bhahahaha.... xD

They flap in the hot autumn wind like a dog’s tongue, and the sun sweeps the dusty sidewalk like an iron broom, glossy and finesse.

But of course, this has got to be my best line so far... such wonderful imagery.

You're such a talented writer, and I certainly hope to read more from you soon :)

I like your layout, it's not fancy-schmancy like I see so many layouts on here are, it's nice and simple and I like the picture. I'm awfully curious to see how the picture is going to relate to the story.

The first chapter confused me a little, it was well-written but my poor ol' slow mind couldn't keep up. :D
I liked the use of the 'old-fashioned' language and when you introduced Aston, it made me want to find out who Aston was, and immediately compelled me to read more.

The second chapter is really good! I liked how it started off with a bang, you launched straight into the descriptions, and I clearly envisioned a picture of the lady. I imagined some fat lady with a protruding muffin-top wearing an ill-fitting dress and her hair is a mass of lovely, blonde ringlets. xD

I'm actually writing this comment as I read the story and when I reached the bit that talked about that neon-green tacky motel-like sign saying "FORNICATION WELCOME.", my immediate thought was "Oh my God, is she a prostitute?"
If so, it explains the picture!

Anyway, now I have reached the end of the chapter and I must say, I am quite intrigued. I like how she's retelling her story to the reader and is going on with her ordinary, every day life, while slowly building up the suspense of whom and what Aston may be.

Subscribed, I really want to know who is this Aston she is talking about. :D
I look forward to reading some more!

I love your writing! I love the tone of the story and the feeling it gives. The plot hasn't consumed me yet, and I don't know if I would read a chapter three, but you're a favbulous writer. Your words flow, and I feel like I'm reading a professional authors work. Well done <3

Your layout and the picture really dragged me in. They are both excellent.

I was a little confused at first, because I didn't see where the story was going. But you sucked me in with the setting and the way that the people talk to each other. It really helps me feel like I am a part of the action. And it helps me to understand what these characters are talking about.

Even though you write this in a simple way and have them talking about everyday things at first, I couldn't help but feel intrigued and have so many questions when you started the conversations that the characters were having. It seemed like an everyday conversation, but it gives you anticipation about what is going to happen next. I couldn't help but wonder who Aston is.

And the way that you describe the little restaurant that they're in and how the women dress up makes it so much better. It's almost like watching a movie instead of reading a story. Your characters seem so developed. I definitely could get a glimpse of what this woman who just came in shaking would look like and feel like. I feel like I am in her shoes, and I feel like I have known the character for years. And it's because of the way that you described her.

These couple of chapters leave me with so many questions, and I can't wait to see what happened to this character named Aston and how he is going to be brought into this story. I also want to know just who these women are and how they click so fast. Besides both of their connections to death.

Definitely subbing! This is going to be a fantastic story. I can't wait to meet all of your characters!

I love the layout and the picture. When I looked at it, it really sunk in about what time the story takes place, and then it was easier for me to imagine the setting and all. I really liked that. It made it more enjoyable for me to read it. (Plus, I was surprised and oddly glad to remember that I'm reading a book in my class called Of Mice and Men set around the Great Depression. So that's part of why I clicked without a second thought.

Your description is just flawless. The words connect together in a wonderful embrace, creating a sort of cycle, ya know? (Not sure if I make any sense.) By cycle, I mean that each sentence starts the same, as great, then in the middle it begins to go amazing, and at the end, I'm just itching for more. That's a wonderful feeling for me.

Although, I was a bit confused about why you didn't use quotation marks and in the second chapter, you used parentheses, but that's just me. c: Great job.

-Luna

p.s., I'm subscribing.

Ryan, darling, you've always had a wonderful way with words. You've continued to show that you still do and I'm sure you always will. Your plot lines are always strikingly interesting and keep me reading. Your word use and flow are highly sophisticated and classy. I feel like this is something I could walk into a bookstore and pick up off of a shelf. You're brilliant, Ryan, keep it up.

It seems really interesting from what I understood. Parts were confusing, but I guess I'll have to read more to understand more, right? Subscribing <33

I'm intrigued to know what's going to happen. It's all still a bit unclear, but I'm sure that after reading future chapters I'll understand more. I've subscribed.

I like it. The diction was brilliant. I wish you had a layout that reflected the brilliance of the story. I will definitely stay posted.