The Escape Artist - Comments

For the Story Review Game:

The layout
I ratehr liked the layout. It was simply and elegant, and it didn't distract from the story at all. It added something to it.

The Banner
Strange as this may sound, the banner really helped me form my mental picture of Juliet's house. I love when I'm reading a story and I can really vividly picture the scenery.

The Summary
The summary was interesting as summaries go. It had me hooked instantly, and made me really want to get to the first chapter!

Chapter One
First, I think the description was overdone a bit at the beginning. It's nice that you described everything so intricately, but I think it was a little much. Not that it was bad or anything, it was actually really good. I really like your word choice and vocabulary. And the dialogue. It felt real, you know? Like it was really happening, instead of sounding scripted.

Chapter Two
I understand why you requested that chapter two in particular be read. It opened up the conflict in the story a little more, which is good, because I was a little confused what that was at first.

All in all, you're an extremely talented writer, and it's very obvious that you put a lot of thought and work into this story.

I got lost in your description. It was good, but I think there was a bit too much. Description can be great, but sometimes its better to have a lot of dialogue, as well, to even it out.

You write really well, though, and the flow went perfectly. I love the name Juliet, something about it pulls me to a character. Not sure what it is, it just in a way describes to me a character that works really well.

Great job with this, it kept me thinking. Juliet's relationship with her mom would probably be something along the lines of mine with my grandmother, had it been just me and the old hag. Also, I hate my mother too, so I can definitely relate to Juliet. Really, well done!

I love the layout, it's clean and very pretty :) I love those minimalistic layouts rather than those messy, cluttered ones and yours is simply beautiful! <3

I like your summary, you're giving away a little bit about the story so the reader knows what to expect, rather than sending them to explore a story that they don't know anything about, it's one of my pet peeves, people having a summary that gives away NOTHING at all. I mean, seriously?

I really like the first paragraph of how she enters her house, you've managed to paint a very clear, vivid description in the reader's head without being overly so. I really like your attention to detail, and the way how you make your sentences flow so smoothly. I was left speechless at the way how she reacted to her mother, I was like "Whaa--?" I know my mother would have backhanded me repeatedly, not caring it's illegal, if I spoke to her like that. xD Anyway, it clearly shows Juliet's personality through her dialogue and I'm left wondering "Why is she back? Why is she acting so bitter? Why is her mother like this?"

I really like Juliet's interactions with her friends, it's very natural, and it's definitely what people would say in real life. No offence or anything, but I'm beginning to dislike Juliet. She has a very devil-may-care, I-don't-give-a-flying-shiet-about-anyone attitude and frankly, that attitude annoys me. I'm one of those quiet, reason-and-logic kind of people. xD

But you're a good writer and your words flow well! I would definitely be back to read some more of this story!

Layout/Summary
I liked the pattern you used as your background, it looked elegant in a way. I also liked your banner, it fit with the imagery that follows in your first chapter while the elegance of the layout contrasts with the house.

Chapter 1
Right from your first line I noticed your attention to detail. Almost every line had beautiful descriptions and painted an accurate image. When I read a story I find detail to be very important. I loved these lines:
The living room was uncharacteristically trashed, stained paper plates and half empty glasses littering every flat surface. The television had been left on the foreign channel, some cheesy Hispanic soap opera playing on screen. The hardwood floor was filthy, covered in wrappers and crumpled up paper towels, sticky to the touch.
I could visualize the state of the house perfectly. You also continued with this when we finally encountered Juliet's mother. It was a raw and vulgar discussion that they had but it really set up their relationship without any frills. It also made me curious to keep reading.
Chapter 2
I liked the dialogue between Juliet and her friends. It was very realistic how they were just passing around the pipe and were curious as to where their friend was. This was a solid chapter and you moved the plotline further.

I noticed a few minor grammar errors while reading but nothing major at all. One thing that confused me a little bit is where exactly your character went. I know it says she went to Michigan to deal with some things, but what? My guess would be that she went to therapy or an institution of some sort but I'm not entirely sure. Maybe you could offer a little bit more insight into why she was away? Other than that, this was wonderful!

I love the layout! It looks brillent! I adore the title and the plot line of the story. It sounds very interesting. Your writing stye is quiet fantastic keep up the good work. :)

The layout is lovely and sets a nice overall mood of calamity.

The summary makes me really curious as to why she was gone for all that time. I’m guessing she did something wrong. Then it also makes me curious as to where she was…

Chapter One:

The way you describe the empty house in the first paragraph really makes me picture an old Victorian styled house. I like it. I can really feel the emptiness.…anyone would think that years had passed since someone with a sense of responsibility had lived in the house. This wording is a little odd for some reason, so I had to read over it a few times. I’m assuming that she is the responsible one in the house, so that makes me even more curious why she got sent away.

…some cheesy Hispanic soap opera playing on screen. I really like this line, it adds character to your writing and adds an even greater sense of disarray to the house.

Your writing style is lovely! It is very descriptive and writes in a way that sounds very professional and unique.

I love the description of the difference between the old guest room and how it was now. It shocked me a little to find out she had a sister. YOU ARE BEING SO MYSTERIOUS!

The description of her mom is so heartbreaking. It really shows how she is suffering from whatever happened.

something that resembled either cheese dip or cum causing a large clump to stick together near the back of her head. This line tore me out of the story a little. It was very sudden and a little raw. It took me a while to get back into the story. I think if you just said “something sticky causing a large ….” to make it a little less iffy.

I don’t like the relationship between Juliet and her mother, it makes me a little sad and quite angry at this woman. I hope it gets better.

Chapter Two:

In the beginning of the first paragraph it seems like the word “tree” or the phrase “off the tree” is a little repetitive.

I love how one of your character’s names is Fortune. I also like how the group didn’t remove her chair after so much time. It was as if they still welcomed her there.

When you mention Dr. Lawson I get the picture that she was in a hospital or a physic ward. Then that leads me to think that since her sister is gone, did she do something to her sister?

Thunder tumbled lightly across the night sky, crashing into waves of wind like the ocean that beat against the shore. This is such a beautiful description of a storm. It really made me laugh; it’s raining here.

I like the group’s guesses of where she was. Truth is, I’m as curious as they are.

Haha, Taco Bell. So modern.

I don’t like the way that she was so willing to just like Mick do whatever he wanted with her. It made me want to give her a pep talk.

I like your writing style; it’s very pretty and descriptive. So far this story is building up my curiosity. You are doing a wonderful job!

First off, I really like the layout. It's kinda simple, yet really pretty. The way you write is like something I would read out of a best selling book. Your words flow together perfectly. :) The only thing in the first chapter I saw was I wanted to cling to that sign of life as a did child to its blanket. I think the 'a' and 'did' should be switched, maybe. Also, I like how your blunt when you describe things. You're not trying to sweeten it up. Chapter two was written very well, also. I really like how you can tell Juliet's friend's personalities just by the way they talk, not with you describing them. They seem like interesting characters. ;)

Anyways, I'm going to subscribe to this! It's really interesting so far. :)

oh fuck fuck fuck, why am I so angry and upset now? I love it when a piece of writing starts up a strong emotion in me, hot damn.

oh, and your descriptions made me melt into a little pile of goo (I'm such a sucker for a good description, don't ya know?)

and god, the layout is gorgeous, I can't even-

I love her mother, she is deliciously real and not flat or '2D' and I love her speech pattern. The fact that they actually call Juliet, "The Escape Artist" really shows a bit about her character.

that Taco Bell comment killed me, I don't even know why but I smiled like a total dork.

Everything flows so naturally~ I really can't tell you how jolly happy it makes me.

and that summary is shiver-inducing, so please please PLEASE continue on this story (:

I really like the short summary. Normally I wouldn't advice cussing where it's so obvious, but I actually love it. I think it fuels the curiousity of wondering what the girl is doing and how badly she is doing it.

I like the title. It reminds me of 'The Pick-Up Artist' a movie from the 80's. lol /off-topic

I love the layout and banner and summary. I think the layout sets the right tone and I love the how color; I think everything is perfectly balanced out. And I love the name Juliet. <3 The summary is good. I wonder why she ran away though?

....her pathetic excuse for a life. - I can totally relate to that line. =/

Chapter 1

Woah, what happened to her family? Like what's up with the living room being so dirty? I would run away if I were her too, lol. But did she just randomly come home? And I agree, Mexican soap opera are so cheesy. xD

Okay, it's getting a little weird. Like where is everybody and why were they this careless? Maybe they were upset because Juliet left? Hmm.

Woah, her mom's a mess. Like a wreck actually. But man, Juliet is talking mean to her mom. I guess her mom deserves it though, but man, I could never imagine cussing at my mom, no matter how mad I got.

And ohhh! Juliet's mother had her sent off? Well dang, I would be angry and I can understand why she's livid.

Chapter 2

Okay, I apologize because my comment for this chapter won't be like the previous because my mind is still fried that I'm up so early. xD

But dang, Juliet smokes pot and all that stuff? Kinda ironic because I consider Juliet to be such a classy name (like from shakespeare) and she's like the total opposite.

"You good?" - Man, that line totally reminds me of a scene in Dazed and confused. Ah, good memory. xD

Thunder tumbled lightly across the night sky, crashing into waves of wind like the ocean that beat against the shore. The sound it made was so beautiful I could picture it; the menacing purple clouds streaked with bright yellow electricity, water threatening to fall from the edge. - Ah, I love that paragraph! Perfect description and amazing imagery.

“We can pick up where the left off tomorrow afternoon,” Mick offered - I think that 'the' should be changed to 'we'. :) Or maybe I'm just reading it wrong.
--

All in all, I like this. I really like your writing style; clear and sharp and just real nice. I'm curious as to know more about Juliet because it seems like she's got a crazy past and not that great of a home life; especially when all her friends tried wondering where she had went.

So yeah, I enjoyed this quite a bit. :)

Once again, awesome job on description and conveying emotion in your characters.
I find it so interesting that as Juliet is with these people that are supposedly her friends, she begins to wonder if they're actually "friends" at all, or rather people to get high with and complain to.
I've often wondered if people in my life were actually my friends.

I love the human-ness and sense of loss in this passage, because I think we've all been there at some point in time:
"“Remember, Juliet, things will never change if you keep making the same choices over and over again. If you want to get better, you can’t go home and do all the same things you used to.”

What the hell else was I going to do?"
Keep up the great work =)

Wow, this thing is really descriptive. :) And the mom what a...meanie. Better word then the other one I was thinks. I really like the layout! :D

Okay, so from reading your summary I can already tell that the story's going to be amazing. I like the way you described the amount of time she's been gone; it was a really powerful way to draw me in and it entices me to read more. I like how short and sharp the whole thing was... it's really a perfect way to start things off.

Cool air touched my flushed face, seeping over my skin like the spread of shattered glass against hardwood floor. I like the way you describe things in terms of objects that people wouldn't normally relate your descriptions too. It's a powerful way of demonstrating someone's state of mind, and I just found it really clever.

But some irrational part of myself wouldn't allow me to do such a thing; I wanted to cling to that sign of life as a did child to its blanket. Loved that line. It's something that a lot of people can relate to, and by using the metaphor of a child clinging to its blanket you've opened up just how emotional she's feeling about what happened ot her sister. In less than a sentence you described everything that needed to be said, and I find that really incredible.

I love the way you've named her Juliet, because it really contradicts her personality. She's such a strong-willed spitfire on the outside, and yet, the name Juliet sort of conjures up an image of innocence and chastisy. The way she reacted to her mother was, in a sick way, enjoyable, because it showed me how much spite she felt at the fact that she doesn't have her old life back.

I like the dialogue you have between Juliet and her friends. It's just really natural, and it makes me feel as though I'm watching it take place, rather than reading about it. I also like the way you repeat the words in italics as though they're playing on her mind but she just doesn't have the will power to reach them. I hope she does eventually, though.

Overall, this was written really well and you're a very good author. Your characters have depth and so does your plot, and it seems like you've planned a lot of things out. Amazing job!

I do enjoy the simplicity of the layout. I really like it a lot. I don't see too many noticeable grammatical mistakes so I don't have any to point out. I love the way your details seem to flow so easily and I love what I've read so far. I really like Juliet, I don't know why but I like her personality and how she seems to kind of go with the flow almost. Great job so far, I'll definitely be subscribing.

this layout is very, very pretty :)
i loved the first paragraph!
filled with lovely descriptions and a good feel of the house
so his mom is off, well that's not a big deal
but I'm getting the feeling that she is often gone
i like how you also gave a visual of how it as before, the house i mean
when it felt a bit more lively to him is the best way for me to put it
so did his sister run away or go off to college..?
I'm really not sure about that situation, but it seems as if the two were close
from the way he's admiring her room and missing her
so his mom is a bit of a whore, even better :/ ugh
she looks like she just kind of wasted herself away
and so Dan was gone? wehre did he go? school or something?
wait, Juliet is HER name? but the letter in the fridge was addressed to Dan...?
I am not understanding this. I'm sorry but I'm confused here haha
Juliet shouldn't have been so rude - it is her mother,
even if her mother is a whore and needs to getoff her lazy ass haha!
but im just saying, it's still her mother. but in all honesty, i would've probably done that too
out of anger and being so upset, so i don't blame her too much
I liked this chapter :) it gave a good undertone to the story.

I really like it. I want to know more about this girl, and more about her background. I'm most likely subscribing. :D

I find the whole idea intriging, and I'm guessing the "escape artist" is refering to Juliet? Anyway, your descriptions are quite lovely overall, and I really felt like I was there walking through her house. I'm a bit curious as to how her home life got to be where it is, and also about why she left and then returned. I look forward to reading more of this soon :D

I really love this. I love how you don't really know why Jules left (although I have some guesses) or why she came back. I also love the depth of all the characters. They're all unique and all believeable. You did a really good job with this :)

Mk, all caught up now. I really do love the way you write. I like the casual feel to this and the fact that she does have problems and she does have flaws and she's not a Mary Sue. all of us have shit to deal with and I like that you gave that to her. Instead of the mom who doesn't give a damn she smokes weed with everyone and she doesn't have a steady relationship, she just has a fuck buddy. I also like that it's kind of secretive, or at least I'm assuming it it. But my one issue, now I've never smoked weed before but I'm pretty sure you can't get high off of one hit...or at least, that's what I've been told.

I absolutley love this!
Your description and attention to detail and human emotion is awesome.
You present the story in such a raw, relatable way that I was even getting a bit emotional during the first chapter, when she finds her mom.
I'm subscribing for sure.

This is great. I love how detailed it it. It's a lot to read, but it's interesting. In the first two chapters you learn so much about the main character and even her friends.
The layout is very nice.
I hope to see more updates soon.