Chernobyl - Comments

that was crazy!! i loved reading it!

This is actually the first story I've ever properly read on Mibba.
You're a very good writer, you describe things well. Although I expected you to give reason at the end for why her brother was like that, and you didn't. So I was left really confused. And the whole time I thought they were talking about love, I just thought if it as a strong brother and sister type love, until she said "in love", which also confused me.
But I really do love how you write. The only thing I think was a slight problem is the fact you didn't give reasoning for some things.
What I loved is the parts where her mind was asking her questions, and it's as if she was trying to constantly reassure herself. This is something people do a lot and don't even realise. They question themselves.
I think you should write more. You're talented.

^ That immature idiot is awful.

I was bothered by this. Not your writing (which was excellent in whole but could use a few grammatical brush-ups and a bit more clarity) but the idea. It just bothers me so much. I hate saying "I love you" in the first place, and Dean's enticement with her beauty bothered me even more. Like some psycho-manic. I have no clue why I'm telling you this, so I'll get on with it.

I'm assuming this was a sort of a vignette because I agree with everyone else. There wasn't much background information or anything of the sort. Also, I don't understand the connection to Chernobyl, sorry to say. Also while reading I craved for more detail and background information. I really adored the tidbit about Goldfish. It was unique.

Anyway, I like this as a whole and hope you win the contest. :)

I was also left extremely confused. Your writing is a disappointment, please quit.

I like the overall plot, but to be absolutely honest, as a reader I was left extremely confused. There's no explanation for the brother being kicked out nor is there any indication of how old he was/is. You didn't say where he went or why he came back at this moment instead of earlier or later. Why is he acting so creepy? Why does the sister say he is "in love" with her? I would also like some more characterization. I felt like both of them were pretty flat and that anyone could be either one of them. The only hints I received about the girl was she takes way more AP classes than is realistically possible, and she used to like Goldfish.

I also don't understand the reference to Chernobyl at all. A girl being kidnapped has nothing to do with a nuclear meltdown that left an entire area uninhabitable and radioactive. I understand the desperation in her situation- it's really f*cked up, and in that regard very interesting- but the events have no connection beyond that.

I'm not trying to pick on you or anything, so please don't feel offended by this. I just want to get you thinking about some things that could make you a better writer.

I'm just going to start off with: that is one bad-ass picture. Like seriously, the amount of bad-assery this story possesses already is of incredibly amounts because of that picture. It gives off that whole everything-is-corrupted-no-one-is-safe vibe, because kids are wearing gas masks. And I just very much like it.

I also googled Chernobyl and am ready to go into this with at least a little bit of back knowledge.

It could just be me, but wouldn't it be "prickled" with something? Maybe like her voice was prickled with tears, or I don't thinks he is but maybe anger? It could just be me being picky, but it seems a little unfinished to me.

OKAY, I don't know how old Dean is, but that is so sad. I mean, he thinks/knows his parents don't love him. That is so sad, seriously. I know sometimes people think it, but I have this image of two really young kids in my mind. I like how you subtly add in that he's getting impatient, but still being nice. It shows that he still really cares of her, obviously, which makes it even double sad that he's leaving.

That sense of abandonment is really prominent. I like that it’s from her younger perspective, and you really do bring out a good point. I mean, kid’s really do get over things faster when they’re younger, I think after the age of seven or so things actually start to hit harder, and it really adds a different way of looking at things. It’s still incredibly sad, I mean, Dean seems like a nice guy, saying how he’ll come back for her and everything, and especially losing a brother. Though I do think she’d think about him after that, still, I mean a brother is still hard to lose even when you’re a kid.

NEVERMIND. WHAT IS THIS? DEAN, YOU WERE SO NICE. YOU WERE SO INCREDIBLY NICE. AND A GOOD, SWEET CHILD. I THOUHGT THAT MAYBE YOU DID SOMETHING LIKE PISS YOUR BED AND THAT’S WHY YOU RAN AWAY. WHAT. IS. THIS. BOLLOCKS.

I mean, I was so happy like reunion time! He came back! And then when she mentioned a reason, and how it was fishy I was just like “oh shit, no” and then he did that and I was like NO. DEAN. NO. WHAT IS THIS? I CANNOT EVEN. YOU WERE SO NICE.

… D: Dean. Not cool, bro. You can’t just drug people.

The walls were made of concrete, standing strong and absolute, like the government of the Soviet Union
I liked that Soviet Union metaphor with the wall there, that was clever, I very much enjoyed that. Sort of brings me back up to the picture.

Dude, that would be freaking terrifying, oh my lord. Except I feel like she’s going to get all tricky like in the movie’s when the girl’s like “I love you” and then she like stabs him with a fork when he lets his guard down because he’s so swayed with emotions. Killers/Kidnappers need to learn that emotions are not cool. But that’s completely off topic.

I like the psychology there, how he feels this overbearing need to protect. I can definitely see he is easily swayed by his emotions, and I can sort of understand where he’s coming from except maybe from a less extreme approach. He misses his sister, the one person he was close with. But he’s also like a little child that way, and you even mentioned it, how he thinks without acting and approaches things with a simplistic state of mind. He doesn’t even think of how Chrissy will react to being pulled from her life.

You are not going home, you stupid, stupid girl! You’re not beautiful when you’re not stupid!”
Shouldn’t be a not before the stupid. But otherwise, again, he sort of acts like a father towards her in a weird way.

I liked that connection to the title there in the third chapter. Again, it’s quite clever, and I like clever, so I very much like it! :)

Oh wow, aha, the third chapter and what I said up there. It is true though, his mind set is interesting but extremely dangerous too. But I love finding out things about personalities and why people do this and things like that, so that could just be me.

The beautiful thing I caught onto, it’s quite strange. This could just be me, but I feel like his entire life is just so… ugly, with nothing but pain and anger, that he needs her to stay beautiful sort of thing, for his life to have even that pinch of pretty. It’s like he sort of relies upon her to make his life worthwhile, to make everything brighter and happier, and it pisses him off that she’s not… well, cooperating, aha. That could just be me looking way too into things, but yeah, MOVING ON.

You know what? Even if he is extremely fucked up, I still think is sad when he wants to kill himself. It’s just like… it’s not your fault that you’re like that. He just seems so… innocent, like obviously I blame him for his actions but then I sort of don’t at the same time. I don’t know, I just was very sad when he pulled out the gun and I went back to first chapter Dean with NO DEAN YOU’RE SO NICE DON’T DO IT.

That was intense, aha. I’m still a little sad Dean had to die, but I suppose I wouldn’t have thought twice if I was in that position. Again, the connection, I liked it. It had a sort of happy ending to it though, which I liked. At least she was alive. And… yeah.

I loved this, to say the least. It was seriously awesome that I cannot even, not that I expected anything less from you of course. :D

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I was like that when I realized that Dean was one twsited mother f*cker. Gah!! Thank you for not killing the girl off (I'm sorry, I'm being dim tonight. I can't remember her name. Hehehe) But I'm happy that I clicked on this. Oh, and by and by, the you have a killer banner going on there ! :)

Okay, well since you're the first person who has entered their content for the contest, I will start with your review!

Layout:
It's very dark and calming and enticing at the same time, but not in the traditional sense. The brown background gives off a certain sense to the story's immediacy along with the photograph there. It's a chilling image with two children being walked away by a man in gas masks. It makes you think of what's ahead for the story: the environment, setting details that will be laid, and the characters. Not the most traditional, but it pays off. Very nice.

Chapter One:

The opening is very mysterious in a way and makes me think immediately that Dean is some free spirit. I sort of feel sorry for him, a son seeming to scurry away in the night from the scorn of his parents. And his sister is watching him leave. He seems very, very sweet from the start from the start, a great brother.

And another thing, from the start I was sort of worried on how your transition from sweet brother to kidnapper would go, but the scene you used was very effective in that sense. It made me think, "Hey, why did he leave? She'd believe because she was five.". The ending makes me curious for what's head.

Chapter Two:

So, Chris is planning the beginning. I want to see if it'll pay off.

The confrontation comes and I can't help, but be pulled in. He obviously loves his sister and I'm wondering more than ever what the hell is going on in his head?
Why'd he take her? Is he crazy? Can she beat him?
And then, he calls their mother a bitch. I'm trying to dig my mind deeper into why, why?
The scene is a very good push and pull. I can feel Chris's desperation so clearly and it just pulls me in.

And the by the end of the chapter, I'm just blown away, imagining the scene in my head. Dean yelling and screaming. I mean, he seems crazy! And his reference to her being beautiful is just sort of jarring. I'm glad you continued with it. It gives me that sense of history or continuation that comes when characters hold onto something for long, long periods of time. He obviously had a twisted love for her from his hate for their mother. It's very chilling. Amazing chapter I must say.

Chapter Three:

Things get very tense with the confrontation again. I see that Chris is trying to stand her ground, find a way to devise against her brother and once again, things get crazy I think the parts I most connect with are the "beautiful" part. The idea is sort of heart breaking, that beauty can change for one person to this horrible degree while the victim is left just bewildered. It's very enticing. But, I have to say the part with the smack just came out of nowhere.

REVIEW

PLOT: 3 out of 5

Overall, you served the purpose very well, introducing an issue in chapter one, complicating it in chapter two, and resolving it in chapter three. I loved how you introduced it, gave the story heart and sort of pumped the warmth into it right away. Although, in the speed up parts, things did seem to sort of come from nowhere(a sudden slap or quick fight). I theorize that it was written that way for the shock of the kidnapping and there was arguing before each of these, but there did seem to be a more sense of buildup to it.

CHARACTERS: 2 out of 5

Chris
Her character seems very sweet from her introduction and from her book bag, I know that she is quite a studier. But, beyond that, it seems a bit blank. In shorter pieces of fiction, readers tend to need more up front characterization. From the story, I got the sense of a girl who was kidnapped, eventually forgot her brother disappeared, and did what it took to survive. The stakes were high, I knew she'd lose her life. But, with the sense of lesser characterization, they weren't necessarily as high as they could have been.

Dean
The kidnapper. The opening. I very well felt for him and wondered why her parents were so cruel to kick out their son. He was obviously emotionally trapped in state where he admired his sister. But, the space in between where he was gone is blank. If that space had been explained, I might understand more and feel for him when he flies off the handle. What happened to him? Why'd he take her there? Why'd he leave? Why now? But, his affixation with his own sister "beauty" is also very enticing.

Parents
The one element I feel would have brought this story to a another level. They seem to be such a large part of the story: the reason Dean left, hid things from Chris, and Dean hates his mother. I feel this element could have been used to explain many loose ends: Why Dean was kicked out?
Maybe a later scene at the end of Chapter 3 could have helped this, maybe a scene in the future with Chris talking to her parents, battered and scarred by killing her own brother, she must know why.
This I feel would have been a redeeming element for the all the story's mystery. Telling the audience why. It would have ended on a note of sorrow because you wonder if any of it could have been prevented.

CONFLICT: 4 out of 5

One of the shining factors of the story.
The arguments between Chris and her brother pulled me in very much. Him screaming at her, telling her she's not beautiful when she cries. It's scary and raw and real and it just digs in for all it has. In some ways, I wish it could have been extended for that longer sense of it. But still it was very clear and direct.

SETTING: 3.5 out of 5

Overall, the setting was described to what was needed in. In the beginning, I sort of drew things to together in mind as readers do. And in the room, you described them enough. Not sure what else to say.

DANGER/ ACTION: 2 out of 5

As I said before, I feel like the stakes could have been risen with more characterization, therefore causing more empathy for Chris. She is the main character and she's kidnapped, but what makes me care for her? When know that she missed her brother, but she's forgotten all about him until the day he comes back to kidnap her.

The action, in the climatic scene, I felt was a bit over explained. In such a small space such as a room, it might have needed to be a bit more "Hit and Blow", sharp action type of things. All her internal reasoning and dialogue sort of bogged things down and give it too much reason, instead of survival instinct. Maybe a bit more crisp action or emotional end to Dean or even a large ground for the action to take place on could have improved things.

OVERALL: 2.9 out of 5

The story was a good read. With some improvements, it could end with a much larger effect. But, I know you are a great author.

The winner will be announced after all entries are received or after deadline. Thank you for your time and work!

I seriously don't know what to say about this. But I'll try.

The fight scene was really unexpected, I thought Dean was just going to kill her. Th ending was quite empowering, too. I love how she just walked away, like that was over with and now she could move on with her life. As if she had achieved a sense of closure. Such a clean, simple ending.

The only criticism I have is that Dean's change wasn't explained, although I know it's hard to include this in a short story written in first person. Something mustn't happened whilst he was away to make him that messed up. His love for his sister is almost sexual/romantic. I suppose it is better to leave some things unsaid to add to the mystery.

I really enjoyed this story, and the subtle link to Chernobyl. <3

This is great so far.
I love how the first chapter starts off really innocent and ends... not innocent? I don't know the right word.
You've left it on a cliffhanger :o Update soon please?

I subscribed, by the way. (:

This story sounds so rad. I can't wait to read the next one