Fallen Angel - Comments

This is different and I like that.
I only read chapter one because my friend's internet keeps going out -_- (I will read more later though)
The summary was long but at the same time it didn't give too much away, it had me wanting to read more.
So far I like this, its different and good. I can kind of tell Seth character is going to be a mystery.
But overall I like it and when my internet lets me I will read more :)

People don't seem to understand that in my story when an incubus is going through the change in their 200 year, they crave sex. They need it to complete the change and if they don't then they turn into horrible beasts that go around raping other demons mates. Sex is key in this story. So that is why it is rated the way that it is.

Thank you all for your comments. I greatly appreciate it!

I'm enjoying the story so far. You had some spelling and grammar errors once or twice through it, but it's fine otherwise. I liked the way you described the characters. Yeah, I agree that the first chapter had several information in it, but chapter two is better. Also, even though you did jump to the sexual business pretty quickly, you write about it very well. The details and actions help me picture the situations pretty good. You can go a lot of ways with this story, and I'd like to see how it turns out.
Update when you can! <3

I very much agree with The Power of Justice,
I don't know if you've heard about the 'show, don't tell' thing, but you should look into it; it really improves the visual of your writing and adds information that doesn't stick out so much.

I am happy to see no super information-overload in this chapter, that was definitely better.

You misspelled oven, you said 'over' if I remember correctly. And I do agree with your author's note that the sexual part is a bit early, especially in a romance...Because there has been no time for love to creep in yet, but hey; it's you're story.

You write pretty well, you just need a little practice and you will do great. I believe you have a lot of potential.

But I do think I will stop reading this story and commenting, because I love to help and all, but I can already see it's not my cup of tea, and I don't want to get in your way.

So, I wish you the best with it, and happy writing.

You cant just leave me hanging, I live for stories like these. Cant wait for you to update ; p

i love it so far!! can't wait for more =)

I don't like the font, the font made it a real struggle to read.

Font aside, there were a couple of grammatical errors that could have been avoided and I think you could use the "show not tell" method.
When you were describing his lips, you described them as being very kissable. How are they kissable?
You could have said perfect, pink, plump lips instead of kissable which gives the reader a clearer picture. It is good that you are descriptive but it can feel like an information overload at times.

I also think you could leave a space every time there is dialogue, it would be easier on the reader. But I think you will improve.

I really like this story. Can't wait for the next update!

Alright, I fixed the errors you posted about without having to completely re-write. I didn't think there was that much information in the first chapter. I only wrote three normal size pages afterall, the publishing on here is weird. (I know it's not publishing persay.) You don't go by pages&chapters you only go by pages. Thank you for your comment, I really appreciate it!
:)

Okay, first of all, I will start off with the errors in the text:

"I signed as I let my eyes closed completely and I let my head rest on my pillows." I think you meant 'Sighed' there.

"I unlocked the dead bolt and the handle and sprinted to the body that was laying in my grass by my pale orange 73 Camera." I think you meant Camaro, right?

"She had a modern 39” Sony on a table that appeared to be hand crafted- every stroke of the wood looked old and worn but it was nothing some polish couldn't cure. “did you go to all of those countries?” He inquired pointing his eyes over at the artifacts." Did you mean to say she? Because I'm not sure.

It was pretty well written other than that and this one other issue.
I know you want people to know your character, and it's great you've done the work to find out all this information about her. But it kind of clogs the flow of the story. The starting is one big information overload to me.
I get these newsletters on this writing site from published authors, and they've talked about it a lot. People like motion in stories, and when you have a bunch of information in one spot; it stops the motion of the story and some people might get bored and stop reading at that point.

I suggest you spread the information on your character throughout the story, whenever it's appropriate for her to think of things like that, like when Seth commented on her things and she remembered how she got them; that's fine, but starting the story with all this random information, and her mind jumping everywhere to get through it all is a little unfitting; it doesn't feel right. You see, when you spread the information out, and with-hold it until a certain time that is related to it; it feels more like getting to know an actual person. Because when you get to know someone, not all the information is dumped on you at one time. I hope you get what I'm trying to explain, I'm not as good as the professionals at explaining it, but I'm trying to be as helpful as possible.

This story does have a lot of potential, but you need to slow it down with the information, only put it where it feels right. It also gives the character more allure, I guess you could say. People will be more interested in her if they don't know everything about her in the first chapter.

Hope I helped, and happy writing!