Whoa that was a long chapter. My suggestion is to put a space between paragraphs. Because there's not indention format on mibba, the space helps break up the paragraphs and makes it easier on the eyes.
You have definite promise. I think this will be an excellent story. Your style is a little choppy, but it will improve with practice. A few things: The fact that she becomes smitten with this new boy in the first chapter seems a little fast. Readers usually want to get to know the main character better before you jump into the action. Perhaps pace it out a little more. Not just bam! new boyfriend before we have a decent background on the main character.
I do like this story. It seems like an excellent idea. Just don't be afraid to take your time with it.
You have definite promise. I think this will be an excellent story. Your style is a little choppy, but it will improve with practice. A few things: The fact that she becomes smitten with this new boy in the first chapter seems a little fast. Readers usually want to get to know the main character better before you jump into the action. Perhaps pace it out a little more. Not just bam! new boyfriend before we have a decent background on the main character.
I do like this story. It seems like an excellent idea. Just don't be afraid to take your time with it.