September 18th, 2011 at 06:07am
conclusion that we’re sisters. - we were
warm beaches, exclusive cocktail parties, and people just like her; she didn’t realize that we lived in Washington. - I like how you just use the state name in that sentence, rather than giving an equal description as to what it's really like. I think it's just amusing, and that anyone reading it should know that it's so much less than what's expected. :)
[thunder] - I think this is a little odd to use as a line break...at first I thought it was like a little thing saying 'there's thunder,' but it didn't fit the next few lines - realized it was just a line break with the story title.
of her house and ready to hit the town. - and was ready
She looked unimpressed, but amazed that we could afford such a place. - I think this sounds odd because the father is an entrepreneur and the mother's a dentist, the father comes from a background of wealth...so it wouldn't be all that surprising to own a decent house.
If this is going to be continued, I think you've got a really decent first chapter on your hands. :) You've used some good description, introduced necessary characters and their first impressions, you've set up a plot line with conflicts and just written it really quite well. :) I think it's neat that you've got the contrast of the Old New York money and then the Arden's using other professional means so they don't rely on that kind of money. I also like how there's an obvious difference in the families too - just by the way you've described the two cities they're in and their values and such. :) I think it's neat that you're playing off that, and that you're not using family rifts as a plot means - that's also neat. :)
I think you're off to a good start. :)
Hm... so Abby was in charge of showing Wynn around, huh? Wynn didn't seem too impressed. But I like the quaintness of Abby's town. :)
And not all journalists are bad. Just... it depends on who they're working for, or what job they have for the paper. Abby's dad should support her. :(
Great update! Glad that you finally posted. Can't wait for more! :D