Behind closed doors - Comments

Your story was great! I liked it!! Keep on going with more chapters.

This story has a really weird start but it's definitely interesting! The next chapter you write though has to have more detail because I was a bit confused but overall this was a great start! KMU

Hey! Read through what you got so far and even though daemons and the such are not really my thing I can't wait to read more of this! It has me interested to see what will happen next. Some of it seems a little confusing as a reader, but it also seems like you will explain a ton more when you get further along... Anyway good read, keep it up!

Hello! I am Daisy, April, and you had asked me to review your story, to 'check' out your work. So I will do so. The following comment is meant to be helpful and not offensive, so if you do find it offensive, I apologize, greatly. Now, onto the critique!

The beginning was odd, I will admit. How it started off explaining some sort of legend, an info dump, but it didn't even go into detail. No, rather, it was just stating something and that was it. You -told- us what is going to happen, which isn't fun! What -is- fun is finding it out through the story and the character's actions, so I think you need to work on that. And the transition from the first paragraph into the second, as well.

It was odd, that abruptly stopping and going straight into the story. I didn't like that much and made me not want to read. It was... odd. I understand wanting to give us a lot of information, but that is what a story is -for-. To give information during the whole thing, not just all in one place. A story is a giant canvas meant for coloring, stop trying to cram all the color into one corner.

You like to describe the past, but you don't describe everything like how it should be. Like a setting would be great, I have no idea what's going on around them, so it is like a gray canvas to me. And even if you describe the character that still tells me nothing. It's mostly filled with speech and odd bits of information, so I don't know what to think of the bad man, Zanuri. He is supposed to be a villain, it seems, and evil, but I am not feeling it.

Sure, he does the evil stuff, but where it the motive! The personality behind it? He just seems like a giant piece of cardboard that's bald. Which isn't too fun to look at. Along with his sidekick, you give their speech the qualities, but their actions do nothing to make their character seem bad or evil, or anything. Actions speak louder than words, you know? I would feel he is more evil if you showed him killing the character rather than him just talking about it.

A half incubus, is also a cambion, if you did not know. Just some fun fact there. Now, this succubus comes in, and she grew a heart and something is wrong with that. Why is that? Was Zanuri in love with the succubus? He killed the mortal for what reason? You make a lot happen but don't explain much, you just have choppy bits of information and it's got a lot of potential, for sure, but it's not strung together that well...

But it has a lot of potential and I am looking forward to seeing something else from this. But I think you need to space your work out and revise it so you show some more rather than just telling, you know? Hope I was helpful. Happy writings and good luck!

oh, man! this is reallllly good.
you have to keep writing. keep it going! :)

This is very interesting, write more please!! :]

I agree with the comment above, I think you might want to take some time a describe the landscape since this isn't the typical "normal" story on earth. Any supernatural/sci-fi story should give a really good feel for characters and landscape since it's so different!(:

Overall though, on your word choice, it was very good. How you wrote this story really captured my interest just because it had a sense of oddity in how you wrote your sentences and chose diction.

Keep up the good work on this story, I'm sure it'll be great further on!:D

I really enjoyed this chapter and I'm looking forward to additions to this story. However I believe that it may be better for the story to introduce and describe the scenery and the characters more so that the reader can visualise what is happening and also can create an atmosphere. I can't wait for more of this story! :)

omg luv it! can't wait to see wat the title will b :)
culd u check out my story?