Just Open Your Eyes - Comments

Comment Swap!
One thing that really stood out to me was punctuation and the fact that you do a lot of run-on sentences. You seem to use commas rarely which isn't necessarily a bad thing, but commas are sometimes necessary for certain kinds of phrases/sentences. I would recommend brushing up on some punctuation skills to get in the groove of using correct punctuation! Your run-on sentences seem to be a reoccurring thing. For example, from your first chapter: "Rachel I have to go, my mom's making me do chores, but you are gorgoues and I bet he likes you as a friend even though you barely talk to him and plenty of juniors date sophmores in our high school." Not only is this sentence a run-on, but your spelled two words wrong and once again there is a lack of punctuation to break up phrases.

Another thing I noticed was that your dialogue sounds very unnatural. It's not these aren't things people would say, but it's the way your phrase them or put them in the conversation. I just felt awkward while reading conversations that were supposed to be casual and I don't think that's what you want your readers to be feeling.

And I noticed that other people already seemed to address this, but this story is WAY rushed. I can understand having characters get together early on in the story, but this almost seems TOO forward. Let the relationship develop, let things happen before you just jump into them dating. Make us want them to get together, make us sit on the edge of our seats in anticipation to see if they'll finally date. You know what I mean?

I do think this story has loads of potential, so if you just polish it up I think it could be great!

I really like this story so far.

I'm from comment swap and I have no clue who these guys are. lol. Aside from that I think this is pretty good but you're rushing it. You don't go with the 'does he like her? Yes? No? uhhh' like most people do, it keeps the readers guessing which is a good thing. Also a character page may be appreciated, that way readers know what to picture.

Hey, I'm from comment swap! I've been getting a lot of The Maine stories recently... The plot of this story could be great, but you seem to be rushing it. Slow down a little, give more description and that's a sure way to improve the story. Also, no offence but your punctuation is terrible. Maybe you should read other people's stories to get an idea of where punctuation is necessary and maybe a beta would be useful. Good luck with your writing :-)

Okay so I found this story through the comment swap page. I think the story itself has a lot of potential since it's only the beginning. You seem to be a good writer. The only thing I would suggest is that you put a little bit more detail into it. The chapters seem a little rushed because there aren't too many details to describe what's going on around your characters.

With that being said, I think the story is well thought out and I did like it :)))

Are you still working on this? It's cute :3

Looooooooooove itttt !
moree !

Yayyy! :D An update!
I loved it. (: Can't wait for moreee.

HOLY TITTY FUCK !
I love this !
I was smiling the whole time, no joke.
Subscribing !
You neeeeeeed to update again !

And ill send you a cookie ?
:) kaay byeee :D

I think it could be a good story. (:
I've always liked stories where the girl likes her brother's best friend
or her best friend's brother. XD