Blood Pleasure - Comments

Hi, revival judge for the Hit Me With Your Best Shot contest!

Straight away I have to comment on the layout. A lot of the time I default because I find it easier to read regardless of the custom layout, but the moving background of this one really bugged my eyes. The font and sizing was perfect but I couldn't focus due to the background.

I picked up this error (it was the only one that screamed out to me) - " his wife couldn’t withstand the pain and tree months later" - where it should be three.

The way the piece consistently comes back to Raven's hatred for Lestat is a really nice touch. Even after taking Marian, it's still there, constant and consuming him. I'm not quite sure what to make of this, though. It feels like it's lacking something but I'm not quite sure what. I was constantly waiting for something else to happen after Raven had Marian be kidnapped, but nothing did. It felt more about being Raven's thoughts than anything plot-wise.

I like the premise of this, though. The feuding and how Marian is thought to be Lestat's weakness, but I just think the execution could be done differently. Something that makes it feel less like just Raven's thoughts and more something to connect with, from plot to characters. I think that would really bring this story to life.

I was brought here by comment swap. First thing is that the layout is very distracting. This is not a story I would usually read so I don't think I'll be reading any more though it is an interesting concept and the cruelty of Raven was unique to his character and the characters were brought to life. :)

Ironically, I got this from comment swap, though we are friends. XD

Anyway, I did not find this to be as intriguing nor as interesting as your other work. I would suggest possibly editing the layout, personally I was unable to read the story without switching to the default layout because the movement along the sides was so distracting. However the plot was interesting, and Raven's character proved to be a believable and uniquely cruel mafia boss. Compared to your other works like 'Kiss of a Devil' and 'Single Pleasure', I would say the story itself was left wanting for description and sentence variety. But overall it was worth a good read. :)

The movement on the sides was very distracting and made it extremely hard to pay attention to the words on the page. A bit of light editing would be a good idea. Sometimes there was the feeling of there being a missing word, or a missing link between sentences (things felt rather abrupt). Also, watch "begun" versus "began."

That being said, you do include a good amount of detail- not too much or too little. Also, I haven't read anything like this before. It all felt very authentic, very original.

I was brought here by comment swap and I admit that I definitely thought this was interesting. I liked Raven's character and his fascination with Marian. I felt like you really brought his character to life and that his dislike for Lestat was really well described. Definitely a masterpiece!

I was brought here by comment swap and I admit that I definitely thought this was interesting. I liked Raven's character and his fascination with Marian. I felt like you really brought his character to life and that his dislike for Lestat was really well described. Definitely a masterpiece!

I like the layout when i first open the link, but when reading your only chapter i found it distracting. The paragraph really do need to be more separate it make s reading on a computer very hard to do. You use a lot of description which i like but the way you use it is telling use it separate so it sort of takes us (the readers or at least just me) away from the story for you to describe thing. I do like how the story just jumps straight into everything. I found that this could be a good read but i'm not very fond of vampire books lately. But i wish you good luck

So, I've had a Mibba account for about a year, but just started posting stories now. I've never done a contest though, because I don't know how they work. I entered the comment swap, and got your story. But the thing is, I can't find your story. I'm not sure if it's within the contest already or what. So, sorry for the crappy comment and required 200+ characters, but if I do ever find your story or if you tell me where to look, I will definitely give you a real comment. Lastly, I did read the summary and it was very good!!! And I can tell your story won't disappoint.

I adore the lay out: really well thought about and it's such a cool background! It really sets the feel for the story. I didn't find the beginning enlightening but as a whole, I thought that the first chapter was good. Maybe it was a little dry: you could add a little more description to create an image into the readers head, but other than that, I really liked it. The title choice is also really good: it makes me so curious! Well done.

I like your layout and your idea. However, this would be so much easier to read if you put a space between the paragraphs. Try and put a hook and the beginning of the story to draw people in (like the vampires haha) also, instead of saying things like "Mayra had black hair that reached her waist. Her eyes are brown with hints of green." Say things like: "Mayra swished her long, silky black hair, her brown-green eyes flashing menacingly." Okay maybe that was a bad example but the point I'm trying to make is try to work the details into a sentence instead of just stating them. I'm sorry if I sound too critical, I can see potential in this just consider the things I said and keep writing :)

(Comment swap)
Wow, I'm glad I found your writing! It's so unique, and I think the writing world needs that. Good title choice too, it sucks you in. :)

(Comment swap)

Layout - It's different to what I've ever seen before... And there is a hell of a lot in the summary. I'm not much of a fan of the constant paragraphs...
like this
its kinda annoying
after a while.
I know its meant to come up with some sort of suspense but breaking it up like that and going on for that long doesn't seem right in my opinion... Plus you don't really need the age warning as people know what age warning it is by the info and by the story lists on the man 'stories' page. Copyright... seems a bit of a stretch but okay...
(Plus I noticed the moving background which was playing with my eyes like a mad man so I had to make the screen smaller to avoid it... haha)

First Chapter - Personally I think you jumped into it a bit quickly, but it works. The first paragraph could have been better with more describtion about the area they are in. Like describing the look of the office, the weather outside. I find with third person its better to describe the surrounding area first and set the mood. With first person its not so bad because you only have to describe what the character sees and notices in the story. Doesn't make it easier mind but its still a major part. Sorry if I'm seem a bit harsh... I just have noticed that you did explain the looks of the office further down in the story, which could have done with being a bit higher up. But each to their own.

Also I can't get my head around it but the first sentence in the last paragraph sounds odd... like it shouldn't be put like that. Sounds unfinished to me. I would have put something like:
"Lestat’s henchmen thought something must be going wrong because Marian was really late to meet them."

I really don't want to seem harsh. I just want to point out things that I think that could be changed to help :-) that's the point of comment swap in my opinion :-)

But all in all the story sounds intriguing and I hope it goes well for you in the future :-)

*Comment Swap*
This was great! First of all I like your tittle. It immediately made me curious as to the story. I liked the whole eerie horror theme. Your writing flows together nicely and it's really easy to just sink in to the world you describe. Great job!

I can't get enough of this story. <3 I fuckin luv it. <3

I can't get enough of this story. <3 I fuckin luv it. <3

I can't get enough of this story. <3 I fuckin luv it. <3

Again, you have another title that just simply pulls you in. I love the description so far, all the words seem to just flow together which leads me further into it. However, I wish that there was more needed information, like how is he like an accurate copy of his father, what exactly are the physical attributions that are the same, and what characteristic ticks does he have that mimics his father? I just think they would be interesting to see, though they aren't exactly needed. So, you can just ignore that tid bit.

I simply love the name Mateo.<-random

Taking a break for the layout, I like that it wasn't white text on black background, so it's actually easy to see,

I think in the sentence that says, Cam started talking with her, asking her in Italian language... that you can leave out language, to me it was just a little bump where language isn't exactly needed, though there isn't any real problem using it.

I really like the story. It's unique, and I really can't say, even though I have just started it, that I have read anything like this. I'm definitely going to come back to read all of this. Great job!

You are so creative! I really like how you can make these worlds up and make them so real. I like how different it is. But on the other hand you were adding to much infomation. Well it's actually the right infomation but its not executed enough to flow smoothly. So far it's pretty good. Your talent is apparent...obviously. But later on you got better at the infomation, so it's wonderful that you are growing as a writer. Keep up:)

This is definitely something that I haven't read before, which is good, I like new things :)
You have a really good descriptive writing style which I adore!
The layout is pretty cool, although a bit harsh on the eyes after too long!
This has potential and I'd love to see how you continue with it and expand it :)

So I finally was able to get to your Valentine's Day sweethearts!
This is definitely a story that I don't read normally, and it's kind of refreshing in that sense.
I think that your writing is good, and the plot had potential, but you may need to work on it a bit more.
Overall, this is an interesting story and I hope you'll continue to do a great job with it! :D