She Had A Name - Comments

I am really glad I've been hunting through people's profiles for some good, original fiction because if I didn't, I would have never found this. I know it hasn't been updated in a few months so I want to take the time and remind you two of what a great job you're doing and maybe beg a little bit for an update?

Yes, I am subscribing, even if it means I must wait a longgg time for chapter three, this is well worth it. The descriptions between the two sisters, of how they seem to know each other so well, is just mind-blowing. And so true.

And so I applaud, pretty loudly. :D

Consciousness hits like a ton of bricks, or rather it felt like someone had just bashed me over the head with one. I force my eyes to open as the world blurs around me, disfigured shapes and colours blending together making it impossible to work out where I am.

That's such a descriptive and perfect beginning to the chapter. You can just feel the heaviness and the migraine and the attack of a very bad hangover.

he alcoholic poisons emptying from my body as I gag over the toilet bowel, my stomach feeling like it’s full of lead. I hated this feeling, I hated the feeling of that morning after a long night when you wake up and you don’t remember anything. The only reminder of the night before and the alcohol that had pumped so relentlessly through your veins, was the aching head and the stomach that felt like someone had punched it several times over.

Again, with the dirty hangover imagery. You somehow seem to write so softly, Chel, that seeing you write like, say, Liz or Sara, is a surprising yet refreshing change. There's a grittiness coming into your work, somehow tainting it, yet making it well rounded at the same time.

Her face draws a blank for a moment as she decides on an answer and I wonder why she wastes her time taking a quiz that will ultimately inform her on whether she feels sexy. Because you know, Cosmopolitan holds all the answers to life for a sixteen year old girl...

I like this cynical bit of Rachel, with a somewhat all seeing grip on reality.

I like their understanding of each other, even if they couldn't stand each other at times.

BTW you guys, did you by any chance get the names Leah and Rachel from the sisters in the Bible? Jacob's girls? [yeah, I'm guessing you did :XD] Does it have any significance?

Other than that, yes, me is subscribing.

I love how this feels like a real, random-dude-from-the-street. It's not the most poetic, most artistic form that the character is forming in their consciousness but something more normal and real. It's refreshing, if I'm honest. Sometimes, stories can lose some coherence if this is tried but you handled it well by balancing things with slight ideas of interesting imagery.

Take for example. "stomach full of lead". Yes, it makes it sound heavy but it also injects the idea of poisonious and decay which works well in the context.

Basically, just using simple imagery can sometimes spark off new ideas, which it did.

I quite like the idea of Leah. She seems a sadist in a way, if that makes sense. Just some of the language you used like dragging and scrunching. i don't know why but her 'smile' came across like a smirk. Ciould just be my interpretation, of course. Again, simple, fairly ambigious vocabularly can cause quite a stir.

A mi amor Chelsea. I luff the update. You really captured what it feels like to be totally hungover XD Though I am glad in my experience that I never puked after a long night of drinking. I like this story because it isn't predictable, it seems lik the true plot is still hidden and I can't wait for more :tehe:

He holds my sister by the wrist as she blows kisses towards a garden gnome

Sorry, but that made me giggle. I know I shouldn't be laughing, but drunk people make me laught- natural response to it. ANYWAY, beautifully written, as always. It's a great change from Ryrard love, Marlee, and original seems to fit you perfectly. I can;t wait to see what Chels is going to dish up! I will subscribe to this and continue to leave really really bad reviews =D

OH WIFEY AND DOODOOHEAD'S SPAWN!

Marlee, what's strange about this chapter is that yuor writing style took a turnabout from your Matters or Sick&Sain approach. I felt like I was reading someone else, tbh. Like, it wasn't your get-into-their-heads kind of narrative, but different, and beautiful.

The twins idea too is so...

Oh how I love that Chel is the fucked up one. Haha.

omFGGzz lyK uPdateEE so00oonNN!!!!!1

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Why does this have no comments yet?!? :cheese:
I can't even like think of a proper comment right now.
It's like "OMFG I want more,"
And it's written by Chels and Marlee!
I'm overwhelmed at the fact that this story is going to be amazing! :omfg:

Don't worry. I'll leave an actual comment once I get over the fact that the first chapter is too good for words and the whole story idea being so awesome I could die from it. :cute:

I claim this thread. :file: