Melanie - Comments

I liked this story. It was very well written and short and sweet :) I really liked it <3

Ahahaha! Love the ending! Bitch got what she deserved. :) Great writing.

The title Melanie, I thought that was clever. I like one word titles because it adds a little something cool to the story. I wanted to read the story because it was called Melanie. I gave the indication that Melanie was going to be the factor of importance. I was excited to read.

I liked the first paragraph a lot. I liked how you introduced Melanie to the audience and I thought that it was really great. I liked how you showed who she was through such a little moment in time. I thought it captured something really cool and made me want to read even more. I also liked how you made Melanie a brat, but a brat that I wanted to keep reading about. I liked how you made her get whatever she wanted and that her mom and dad didn't care. I liked how you got other parents into it all and her parents thought it was fun. I liked how you made it obvious that Melanie was going to be up to no good, but it was done in a really interesting way. Melanie was beautiful and I could tell, but she used her beauty for the wrong reasons.

It's sad to see that as a child she was doing what she'd do more because she was a child, many children will do whatever they can to get what they want. It was sad to see that Melanie was becoming nearly an evil girl. She was just stunning and the description was just about perfect, I couldn't ask for a better one. She had something so uniquely beautiful about her, but it all got to her head. I knew that something was going to happen to her that wasn't what people wanted to see. I thought that her change was expected and I'm happy that you made it happen. I got really into what she had become and what it would do, not only to her but those who were around her. It kept me interested and I wanted to see what was going to happen. You made it interesting and that's important.

I really liked how the story took a turn for the worse. I thought that was a clever plot twist. You did it really effortlessly and I thought that was really good. I liked how you put so much time into how you wanted it to feel. I liked how you formulated your thoughts. I liked how bitter she was and how no one wanted to be with her. I liked how she was getting what she deserved, that her personality was going to get back at her. Karama. A nice little touch was this line "she even blamed the mailman." I thought that was clever. It made Melanie seems a little crazy and way too into herself.

The moment about the mother nearly brought me to tears. I thought that it was just a way to express your emotion in a beautiful way. I thought that it was something that added a lot to the story. It gave the plot line more depth and it was showing how Melanie's life wasn't what it used to be and probably wouldn't ever be again.

The ending struck me and left me thinking a little bit. I thought her dying was slightly predictable but at the same time I wasn't expecting it(if that makes any sense at all). I felt her nothingness. I felt her feeling nothing and just walking and just being there. I thought that was well written. I felt that the note that the father received kind of didn't add anything to the story. If anything it cut down from the high hopes I had for this story.

Her father's reaction stunned me though, that I wasn't expecting. I thought he was a little heartless, no matter what she'd done it was still his daughter, although he told her otherwise, it was still her dad. I thought that having the story end there put me off a little. It almost made it seem like the dad was now the heartless one. I thought that the story could have go on for just a little bit longer. It would have something a little more meaningful behind it, that's what I think. I thought that it was just an odd place to finish off the story.

I thought that overall the plot line was really good, what would have made it just great is if the story got to grow a little further then it had. I thought that it could have grown just a little bit more, and that let me down a little. I thought this story had a little more potential to be something. I loved the story and I loved how you displayed Melanie to the reader.

Really good job! :)

so sweet yet sour
a dazzling girl outside not in
slowly slowly her fangs came
she would change a persons day
just by stepping a certain way
and could stop a car if she felt pretty that day
sweet Melanie
sweet sweet Melanie
your anger and distaste
sweet child why did you have to
have to grow that way
to be able to turn heads with your hair
yet make them walk away with a word
your mother left you
and your father threw you out
what could you do now?
sweet Melanie
why did this happen
why are you dead on the ground
why did you have to test fate
Melanie who is at fault?