Clipped Wings - Comments

First of all, the layout is actually really pretty. The background and banner really mesh well together. The only thing I think would be the title. It's really blurry, even on my eyes and I have pretty good vision, and I think the light green takes away from it. Otherwise- super pretty!

I think you some truly wonderful descriptions, your attention to detail is incredible and your wording at times can be just beautiful. You really do have a way. I really liked "The woman's eyes quivered as tears glossed over" and "smiled brightly with colour hinting in his cheeks", you really took it above and beyond and it was just really pretty.

Though, I'll admit, at times you did get a bit wordy. I think it's tough to try and stay away from that- the thesaurus can be the best friend as well as a bitter enemy, and you should always be careful not to get too wordy or else it just becomes difficult to read. Don't always opt for the smartest sounding word.

I love the mystery in it, because the way you describe it, it almost seems too happy, like something must go wrong soon because nothing can be that perfect. How the main character seems to be watching from the outside and all, not really doing anything but observing.

I noticed you switched tenses a bit though. "Such a smile he /has/" and then "the older man /reached/ out", I would definitely read it over and try to pick a tense to stick to- I totally know how hard it can be, though.

The ending definitely caught my eye. I was just like "what is this!?" because it was definitely a great cliff-hanger, and I think every first chapter needs a good one so I was quite impressed with that. I'm a very curious to see why he would be ignored so easily and why the he would have taken such an interest in Ember's life. Or why Ember was looking inside the mail box.

At this point, I don't really know what to think. I think he actually may be a ghost or something, aha. I am definitely looking forward to this! It was short, but one quite interesting beginning.
:)

This is really great start!! I love the layout (: I love how it all flows very nicely. It's amazing in detail, just the right pinch so to speak. Although I'm curious as to why the boy's been watching Ember his whole life...(?) But I'm sure that'll be explained as the story continues. Although, now that I think about it, maybe he's Ember's brother?

But time has frozen me still, painted me in perfection and hung me to preserve. I love that sentence <3 c:

Hmm, there was grammar issues in the story. Ha! I'm not going to done on that simple mistake. At first I thought this was going to be third person. It seemed normal, and I didn't understand the summary :/

But then towards the end! Now that was good. I hardly find stories where the main character is something like that. It makes me want to know more. I was completely surprised no one could see the narrator. Until the last part of the chapter.

Over all I think it's good. You might want to get a beta, just in case. A lot can be done with this story, I'm interested in what it will become.

You really left me hanging though. So I will give you that. I can see a little of your style showing though, it actually quite good. You should definitely keep this story.

Also the layout is amazing. At first it didn't show up though :( I love that picture, I use it for my creature story :) It's a great picture to use. So there is visual details that are great, writing that is good. You just need to fix the few errors and maybe add more details then it would be perfect :)

I'm going to subscribe to this. It's really good. Please keep it.

Hmm, there was grammar issues in the story. Ha! I'm not going to done on that simple mistake. At first I thought this was going to be third person. It seemed normal, and I didn't understand the summary :/

But then towards the end! Now that was good. I hardly find stories where the main character is something like that. It makes me want to know more. I was completely surprised no one could see the narrator. Until the last part of the chapter.

Over all I think it's good. You might want to get a beta, just in case. A lot can be done with this story, I'm interested in what it will become.

You really left me hanging though. So I will give you that. I can see a little of your style showing though, it actually quite good. You should definitely keep this story.

Also the layout is amazing. At first it didn't show up though :( I love that picture, I use it for my creature story :) It's a great picture to use. So there is visual details that are great, writing that is good. You just need to fix the few errors and maybe add more details then it would be perfect :)

I'm going to subscribe to this. It's really good. Please keep it.

Hmm...I have many, many questions after reading this chapter.

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The wording of the sentences is exquisite. It sounds regal and detailed, without becoming...too much. I usually get bored when reading a story with too much petty detail, but this story held my interest until the end.

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It was sweet, reading about the boy's caring parents - from my perspective, at least. But there was a tinge of bitterness buried within the sweetness that came from the narrator. It was apparent throughout the entire chapter, even though the narrator's identity was sealed until the end, where it was somewhat revealed.

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The older man reached out to place an aged hand on his son’s shoulder, giving strength and reinsurance in his touch.

Not to be rude, but I think by reinsurance, I think you mean reassurance. Reinsurance has something to do with company management and all that jazz. Reassurance means to "say or do something to remove the doubts from someone", which I believe to be more suitable to what your point is. :)

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I won't lie: when Ember was walking outside and the other boy was watching him, I was expecting a hardcore rape scene or something o.o Not that I would judge the story harshly if there was one.

Hehe, I still find it creepy that he's been watching Ember all his life.

And I wonder why his parents don't acknowledge him, if he could've been Ember's brother...
And I wonder how old he is...

Interesting story, definitely nothing like I've ever read before, so far. :D