Ahh, I will love this no matter how many times I read this. It's got a few grammar mistakes, but it's not too bad. It's a cool story, bro : )
August 18th, 2013 at 12:49am
There is never a need for all capital letters in stories. Please stop. Make the speaker seem to scream or yell by showing what the situation is. Also, a great piece of advice I was once given: Never use exclamation points, and if you do use them you only get one per semester.
Given that, you still have a lot of work with grammar and your tenses. Watch those carefully. Stray away from the offensive language unless it pushes the piece to a different level. You've got some work to do with this one, but I think you can make it better.