Endless Love - Comments

First chapter:

Just an friend.

It should be: Just a friend.

Drugs and teen pregnancy. This is quite cliche, but your detail is flowing enough to get me through the chapter without skipping anything.

Ana and Nathan seem like interesting characters. I shall move on to read more about them.

Second chapter:

I'm surprised John would slap her in front of their peers. It doesn't seem like that would be very realistic but it gives a good twist in the story.

I really hate this John guy; he's a real pig. Ana should be standing up for herself but instead she has SEX with him??? Damn. The story is interesting and I'm waiting for more.

Also, a plus side to this story is that your detail never lacks whether it's at the beginning of a chapter or at the end. It always seems to flow nicely without an odd paragraphs interupting another.
 
Third chapter:
 
Of course she is pregant, and of course this is a good way to get back at John for his stupidness. I may be wrong, but in one of your author notes, I believe you said that you wanted to make this "realistic". Don't get me wrong, I'm sure there are loads of people fainting now-a-days...I guess, but I just don't see anyone fainting over a pee-stick XD. I mean, yes, the news is so shocking and terrifying and aweful, but I just don't see anyone fainting....
 
If the bump is so tiny, couldn't she just wear one of those flattering shirts instead of a giant-ass jacket? HAHA, I'm being picky. Moving on...
 
If she is just now avoiding John, it doesn't seem like she really cares to get away from him. This part confuses me.
 
There are small mistakes in this chapter, but they can be easily fixed and aren't too big a deal. "her" in the second to last paragraph should be "hers".
 
I am surprised Ana would kiss him on the cheek after that. She is either ballsy or just doesn't hold grudges. Definitly not the character I relate to XD
 
 
I do love the ending paragraph, it's a nice touch and wants me to see if Nathan actually likes her or not and what he truly thinks about Ana and their "connection".
 
Fourth chapter:
 
WTF???? And now she dies??? Dude, you really know how to freakin' keep this story unexpected. I am not giong to say I like this story because of the cliche'd drugs and teen pregnancy and abuse...but I will say I like your writing style.
 
Also, "Ana and Marie was there" should be "Ana and Marie were there".
 
I believe that is most of the mistakes.
 
The ending is depressing to me, despite how they live happily ever after. I mean, they are dead DX
 
But great story, I reallly enjoyed this :)

this honestly made me cry. It is very good. Very unique, and very well written. Great Job!

Your layout is lovely, I really like it.
I thought this story was really well done and I liked it a lot. You did a great job writing in third person for the first time so props to you for that(: I loved the way you pieced the story together and everything flowed nicely. I loved the stereotypes and this somehow reminded me of the movie easy A. haha. I would definetly read more of this if it became a story, I would love to see how everything plays out Great job and thank you for submitting early!

First off, the contrast of the blue and pink is cute and the little design is pretty. Good job, I like how you did that.

Second: You started writing in past tense and then the third paragraph on first chapter changes to present. I honestly don't like it when the author writes in present tense, it makes the material seen like a screen play or a movie or something of the type and not an actual book.

"Just an friend."
^ this should be "a" instead of "an"

"Neither of them knew of the fetus, but the fetus knew."
^ this is clever, I like it. Good job.

"Ana smiles. Nathan does not."
^ good way to show the contrast of the two

Third: in the second chapter, you slipped back into the past tense. It's a bit confusing when a writer does that. I was taught to pick a tense and stick with it throughout the story. It would be wise to consider this advice.

I'm not used to reading stories like these, I'm a straight up fantasy type of gal, but this was refreshing. It's a little over dramatic in some places, but that's okay. I liked it. I'm going to subscribe, because I'm curious to see how this ends. I suggest you work on your flow a bit, there seemed to be some awkward sentences in there that made your work jagged. I liked how you pulled the audience into feeling what the character feels, good job. The tone of the piece is very clear, but not forced, not many people can do that, for that I give you props. Keep writing!

Bula!

Banner & Layout

I like the contrasting blue of the banner and the pink of the background. Normally, pink would be a huge turn off for me, but the way you meshed this together, well, it's beautiful. Great color combination, yo! :)

Content

Awh... I love how you're painting your characters. The bad girl falls in love with the good Purity Club member guy? <3

Their blue coat and matching pants aren't something the gang is use to.
^ Typo. 'Use' should be 'used?' Right?

He has no part in her throbbing heart.
^ This is like, soooo poetic, it's realistically beautiful. I don't know why this line appeals to me so much, but it does.

That's only two things they share; impurity and a fetus.
^ WOAH! A what?!!! :O :O -long drawn out gasp-

The vice president, which is none other than Nathan's real girlfriend, looked at her
OMIGOD. Ana must feel like f*cking shit! A total punch in the gut right there!

It held the perfect outfit for Ana. Little does everyone know it is extremely right for her, only seven months two early.
^ typo. 'two' should be 'too.'

Ana starred, her cheeks a bright red
^ Another typo - 'starred' should be 'stared.'

You don't need to do anything to make this any more realistic, honestly. It's beautiful, written beautifully. The potrayal of the characters - with all their faults, strengths and fantasies (ok, maybe the last just applies to Ana, but whatever.) it's amazazazing! <33

Great work sweets! :)

I have to say, I absolutely loved the way you put this story together. I mean yes, I can see the stereotypes, but it has that unique spin that grabbed my attention.

I agree with 'fun ghoul psycho.' in that you incorporated the fact that Ana was pregnant by Nathan so effortlessly and smoothly that I wouldn't have noticed if I wasn't reading closely. And I loved that - not having that fact just out there in the open.

Grammar wise I didn't spot anything, but if there was, it wasn't enough to distract me.

Very good structure to your story, I didn't feel like it was choppy and things just happened all of the sudden. It had a good flow and kept me interested in what was going on with Ana.

Overall, I think this is a brilliant piece, and goes to show that stereotypes/cliches can be written in style and beauty. Fantastic n_n

First off, I actually love the layout! I think that you did a great job with it and I can't see why anyone else would think otherwise. :)

In that first paragraph, I feel like continued should be continues, just so that it matches the tense of the rest of the chapter. I noticed this a few other times as well but since this is your first time writing third person, it's very understandable. :) I think that you did a great job developing Ana's character; she's this badass, I suppose, but I think that it's quite cute that she has a crush on the good boy! :)

The room smells stale, tasteless and below average. I loved how you described the room in this sentence, especially with the words below average. That was a very unique thing to say.

I really like how you're setting this story up, with Ana being pregnant by Nathan! I think that was a really unique way to start off the story and you slipped it in there so casually that I wouldn't have noticed if I hadn't been paying attention. With this story, you've taken a cliche and flipped it onto its head; it's recognizable but it's different at the same time.

Honestly, I really enjoyed reading this! I feel like I can relate to both Ana and Nathan and I think that you're going to make this a very interesting story. I'm going to subscribe. :)

(comment swap)
Well considering its your first third person story I must say its brilliant. I notices one or two errors but nothing major. I love how there is that contrast between ana and nathen. It really draws you in. Carry on writing this its good :) plus I'm going to subscribe as I want to know what else you have :) xx

First comment! :D I love the layout and the characters as stereotypes are actually working for you. You have a great writing stiyle as well and I have one thing to say about the background: PINK! OMG! Lol.Yea, I'm kind of random, fun away. I believe that I'm going to subscribe to your story now. :3