Invincible - Comments

I really like the way you write, your characters are easy to relate to and understand. I just read the most recent chapter and I loved it, it was so believable; especially the way you described Austin and Cassie Kay's first time. Your use of flashbacks in the chapters is different and I enjoy that as well :) keep it up!

I also like your writing style, although in some places it's not too descriptive i think it gives us room to think about it too, which is good. I also like the plot like and the general idea of the story, It's very interesting.
I also found the italic bits in the story a bit off putting and some of this is kinda hard to understand, despite this it is still great.
I really love the mystery embedded within the whole story. (:

(Comment Swap)

I love your writing style. A Lot. You are able to paint a very good picture and I enjoy that. However, I am feeling like I don't get somethings as much as I would like. But i guess that is part of the mystery, huh? Hang me up on some wonderful twisted plot line and I am in for good. I love this. I also like how you go into flashbacks that take up chapters of your story. Very... unique. All in all, I like it.

I'm from comment swap and I'm reading Chapter Four. I'm just kind typing what comes to mind AS I read it,
The italic text is kinda throwing me off btw.
Why does Austin have whiskers? I don't know why, but there's something off about this chapter. It's well written, like really well written but the fact that it's written in third person but focus' only on Cassie Kay (Why must you add the Kay at the end?) confuses me. The way you fly though the date with little to no banter, simply just recounting the event kinda makes it lack intimacy. And what is whisker burn? And then BAM almost sex scene. Yeah. I'm failing at empathising. So I will just say that it's written well. I didn't pick up many grammar mistakes and the plot line seems solid, it just doesn't sit well in my own mind. I don't know... I just feel that they lack the depth that a regular human would feel. It's kinda a shallow existence that the characters live in.

This is still wonderful! I still love the mystery that envelopes the story. You're such an awesome writer. I can't wait for more!

Sent from comment swap! I like the summary! It doesn’t give away too much but gives just enough to make the reader continue to the story. I really like how descriptive you are. Everything that needs to be worked on has already been pointed out. Good job and keep up the good work!

Hello there ! Comment swap directed me to your story and what a pleasure it was to read!! I very much enjoyed the plot to it and the story line that you have written so far. The characters are very interesting, keeps the reader wanting more, which is a wonderful quality that you have! After looking through quite a few comments, you are more than a successful writer than to just me! Wonderful on this story you have here.

It was a real pleasure to read, and I will certainly recommend and subscribe, because I would very much enjoy read more. :)

Comment swap brought me here but I'm glad it did =] this is a very nicely written story, I've grown attached to many of your characters. I think that you do a great job with your character development and descriptions, it's not an easy thing to do. I hope you update soon because I am now a new subscriber and would be very happy if you gave me a new chapter to read :p

I have only read the first chapter, so I will comment on that (but I will read the rest when I have time, as it was really good).

I really liked it. I disagree with hobogloves, I like when the characters aren't being described because then I can make upmy own mind about what they look like. The name is kind of a problem for me though, it's not a bad name, it just ruins the flow you have in your writing. Everything becomes very 'choppy', it's like everything stoppes every time I read 'Cassie Kay'.

I also would like more emotions. I don't feel anything when I read because the characters don't feel anything either. Describe their thougths and feelings more, I need to know what's going on in their heads!

Comment Swap:

Now, I agree with ShannanGBurnett that you should make up your mind about what the character is saying and how she is saying it. Also the issue about the name, if she was telling the story then she was just be Cassie, unless Cassie Kay is her first name, then it would need a hyphen.

Not a lot of description I must admit, you could describe her physical features a lot more than just depending on the character's pictures, it would make the story much better. I would continue reading this but I'm not quite sure at this moment in time.

I comment as I go, so if I complain about something you should have added and it’s in the next paragraph, I’ll right ‘Scratch that’ after my mistake.

This is very well written for a ‘trashy-talk’ book, no offence. Usually people who have swearing in there book they overdo it and swear every chance they get, but it seems the character’s dialogue is the only place for the swearing. That being said, you need to work on the dialogue. The characters seem realistic and modern, but you have an entire paragraph made mostly of dialogue, which is better looked at as information.

“Hey, skank! Why didn’t you call me, like, at all over break? Were you too busy with Austin, hmm? Because, you know, chicks before dicks and all that. But seriously, you couldn’t have been spending every moment together, and – oh, great. Here he comes.”

And after this you have another paragraph completely separated from the last section “Here he comes.” Who comes, yes I know you add him late but information should come like 1, 2, 3, and 4. Not 1,3,4, then back to 2. This is what readers and writers call flow. Yes there is some loopholes, but really it only applies to fist person limited. My approach to this stack of information in the dialogue above is chuck in some He/She saids at full stops, to allow the readers to take in the information.

Now are they alone? I know there in a hallway of sorts, but is it only them in this hallway. And who is telling the story, Cassie Kay? If so, would she call herself Cassie Kay, or just Cassie? My nick name is Legweak or Shaggaz, but I don’t think of myself that way. (Legweak comes from my last name Armstrong, and Shaggaz comes from my name Shannan and a long party full of girls, a lot of willing girls I might add.) Yeah, I know, I’m horrible YoLo.

Now if there at school, what is there uniform like, that maybe the first thing you should describe. A lot don’t just say she didn’t have slept, imply it. (Bags under her eyes from the disappearance of the sandman over the Christmas holidays.) see how I avoided say she had no sleep, and plus I added character to the writing and tone to the text.

Thanks for the read, I enjoyed it even though I’m not one for swearing, but you handled that power rightfully.

Yours sincerely: ShannanGBurnett

@ littlebabyanything
Hi! Thanks for commenting! I'm so glad you've been keeping your eye on this! This story is still active, but I'd decided that I wasn't going up update it until the Comment Swap on this story had caught up with me. However, I really miss posting, so keep a lookout! There might be an update within the next week. Thanks so much again for your kind words! <3

What happened to this? You haven't updated in ages, and though I didn't like it at first, I sort of got hooked! I realized I wanted to know what happened next, and came back to see if you had updates, but you hadn't! You should keep it going, it seemed like there was a lot of people who really liked it! I hope you pick it up again, the more time that passes the harder it is to start again.. I left my story Heels for a couple of weeks and wasn't able to start again until now, two years later :)

Now I've read the whole thing, not really my kind of thing, but you're a good writer, and that's the most important thing :)

Ooh, I love your nice, long chapers! Keep it up! :)

Update! :D

One of the things I like the most about your story is how it starts off sort of cryptic. You don't immediately start off explaining everyone's history. Slowly each chapter reveals more and more of the past. Also I like how your character's are realistic and how they seem like just average people and not some perfect person with no flaws.

Comment Swap bought me here. I'm loving this story most definitely. The characters are relatable and aren't over the top. I like your involment with scenery in it and I like how Austin and Cassie Kay don't have the cliche' relationships (They have the cute weird lil arguments, weird couple convos, ect.) I like this story and you should keep this going. ^.^

Okay, so, in the first chapter, I really like the interaction between Cassie and Lyss. Lyss really acted like a best friend would, calling Cass a skank and all that, it felt like a real relationship.

I also like that the characters are in choir. That's not really a hobby I see a lot of characters having on Mibba, and I think a lot of readers can relate to that hobby.

Towards the end of the first chapter, kind of closer to the middle, the paragraph spacing got messed up. Just go back and make sure you double space after each line, including the lines of dialogue. It's kind of hard to tell when you're typing it up on Mibba, so I'm sure you just missed it.

In the first chapter, I think it's really intriguing that Cassie Kay keeps ignoring Lyss and kind of blowing her off. It was a great way to show that something was wrong with her without throwing it in the reader's face.

I don't think that you really needed to put all of the lyrics to the song in the summary. It kind of made it bulky.

I think you have the starts of a good story on your hands. Just watch your spacing and make sure the characters stay true to themselves! Well done!

This is absolutely riveting! I can't wait for the next installment. I wanna know what happened!