Dawn of Gears - Comments

I decided to read this because I am a HUGE fan of Gears of War.. I'm definitely not disappointed. I love your view on the game! =) Showing love for the Cole Train, baby! Whoo!

Summary This can be opinionated, but it was too long for me and got me bored. I don't even know what I read. Short and sweet is always good, especially since it's just a summary. But I guess you're writing it like one of those things that go on the backs of books.

Chapter Two For the most part, it was pretty well written. I didn't catch any mistakes and it wasn't too lengthy without enough action going on. This is a little hard for me to review though because I'm not really a video game player and I know nothing of this game but the detail you used was good. It wasn't too much or too little and it keep me interested through the rest without dreading for it to be over.

You know, I really like the detail you've put into this, especially in your chapter summary and character bio, you've obviously worked hard on them and you've obviously planned out every aspect of your character, I really applaud you on that, I love it when writers work hard on their stories. Anyway, I'm on chapter four and I've noticed your grammar has improved drastically and I just love the fast-paced intensity of this. I spy one mistake though.
"Let's move Delta, we got a town to clear and not a whole lot of time!" Marcus yelled at us.
There should be a comma between move and Delta, to make it flow more smoothly. Your writing style is a bit stiff, but I think the stiffness kind of works, as it's a war story and it really shows that emotions and stuff can't get in the way between war.

So now I'm on chapter 3 and I'm still finding this interesting; however, maybe it's just me, but I can't really make myself familiar with all of the characters, seeing as there's just too many to keep up with. Anyways, I like how all of the characters interact throughout this chapter. They seem to have a great relationship with each other, for obvious reasons. My only con/crit - like I said last time - is that your writing seems to be a bit stiff and rush-y. Like bella; said, the last of description disturbs the flow. But this is still an enjoyable, intense read and I like it.

The layout is very out there, and though I can see why you've chosen the particular banner, it just doesn't feel like it fits. I think the text is too big also, and you don't have enough margins on the side.

Chapter seven:

"Greetings brother thank you for rescuing me." He said.
- The dialog shouldn't end with a period but a comma, and the H in he shouldn't be capitalized.

This goes for all pieces of dialog. If a piece of dialog is followed by a subject (he/she/name/etc) and said/shouted/asked/etc then the dialog sentence doesn't come to a full stop, and so the following word should only be capitalized if it's a name or I. This also goes for questionmarks and exclamationmarks.

The pacing seems sort of intense, and the concept is interesting. There aren't that many war type of stories on this site, so I definitely like that. The dialog isn't properly formatted however, and the flow is sometimes disrupted by the lack of descriptions.

First of all, I really admire your imagination. It's hard to find stories that create a whole new place inside a few chapters, but you did, and I actually understand clearly what is going on. I must admit that I don't particularly like war stories, but having read this I think I'll make an exception.

It's weird, but I think Dizzy is my favourite character in chapter 3.

"Shit boy, that ain't gonna work. They call it bulletproof for a reason," Dizzy said.

I don't know, but I liked that speech. I guess it's just because I like characters that show a little common sense/ can notice obvious things.

I also like how they interact throughout, and how different people see different traits and such.

This might be just me, but the way the characters eyes and hair is described seems a little repetitive.

He had brown hair and brown eyes.

He had slicked black blonde hair that went to his neck, and blue eyes.

I know the description is different but there's something missing, a little detail that doesn't relate to their hair or eye colour. It might just be me being picky about description though. Though, I do get it with their helmets being on that it could come across hard to decipher.

Overall, great chaptered story. You don't dwell and progress through the story at a good pace.

Well, I am a big fan of unique war stories, and this definitely is one!
The characters are all very real, and I lkve how they have these little personality traits, like how Tyrelle was the most playful.

It is very different from most war stories I see on here, so kudos. Im not that big of a fan of the background, but it isnt so bad compated to what is out there.

I saw a few errors in grammar and punctuation, so I suggest you have someone who is good at spotting that to help you with it. Still, it wasnt enough where I would have caught it if I was just scanning through.

But overall, it was good. ;3

I found your story from when you commented on Charmedluna's story 'Nothing to Fear'. You made a few good points. But I am really enjoying your story! it's very detailed and full of action! Subscribed!

Chapter 1

I was really happy to see a story like this – that isn't the usually realistic fiction or romance or even fantasy story. I liked the after-war/apocalyptic feel to the story (and to the layout).

As I read on, I found that some of the language and descriptions didn't seem fitting of a narrator in this position – it seems too casual. Like here for example - Thompson was hugely built, much like most Gears, but it didn't show until he flexed, making him seem really lanky. He had brown hair and brown eyes. I can't imagine a soldier describing another soldier in this way (talking about his brown hair and brown eyes and using the term “seem really lanky”), as they're waking through a place destroyed by war. For me, it messed with the tone of the story a lot. I do understand the need for descriptions – especially to show what kind of build the average Gear has – but I think it needs to be a more...formal, militant kind of descriptions and focus on attributes that would be important in this situation - like strengths that are useful in war - and not something like eye and hair color. I think you can work in those other kinds of descriptions subtly in other places.

I felt like the action seen was lacking in description and came of as dull and a bit empty. Like here -
No sooner had he said that, when a grenade flew through the air and attached itself to Private Miller. It exploded and killed him, and Corporal Reams, who was standing next to him. It's stated more like a calculate report of events, than narration from someone who is actually there witnessing this and in the moment.

Here again, the narration seems unbeffitting of the scene going on - I dived behind a piece of rubble, following the Golden Rule of the Gears (not "Do onto others as they would onto you;" take cover, or die). I think if you took out “not 'Do onto others as they would onto you,'” it would work much better.

A sudden bullet whizzing past my head snapped me back to the fight. – Just the word order here seems off. A bullet suddenly whizzing past my head..., may work better than “a sudden bullet.”

Overall though, I enjoyed reading this piece because it's definitely something different. I think the one thing that would really improve this chapter would be to quicken up the pace and maybe not have the narrator's thoughts be so completed. The way the narrative is done now, it just doesn't feel like an attack is going on right at that moment. There's too much side-thoughts and contemplating, and not enough all out action.

you're very careful about having the pacing so quickly done, and that's absolutely awesome because it makes it feel far more actiony. you've got your guys seeming really close to one another, which is a plus, and the competition bit was absolute *perfection*. i know just about nothing about this video game (my brother played it and i napped while he made me watch) so I can't say if anything is legit and right on, so i can assume it is :P lovely work choice, by the way, and your use of detail is brilliant.

the only thing i have to say is that the layout really makes the story look cluttered and messy. there's too much in the banner for it to look right to me and it sort of turned me off the story a little.

So first of all, I'm going to guess that this is based off of a video game or something? I really don't know anything about video games, and if I'm being perfectly honest have absolutely no interest in them. However, your use of detail made this considerably more enjoyable for me to read, as it felt less like a video game and more like a war story. That being said, I am also not a fan of war /hippie, so I'm definitely the wrong audience for this. But, regardless, you did a very good job of evoking emotions (such as fear) in the reader. One thing I might suggest is that you work on your grammar. Little things like sentence structure and punctuation can really make or break a story.

I like the new changes to the layout, it's much cleaner and easier to read! Also, this was a pretty great chapter, with fantastic but not overdone descriptions and it was really packed and filled with action and it just leaves the audience on tenterhooks because thy want to know what happens! Your grammar and stuff have also gotten better as the story progresses so well done, keep up the good work! :D

The thing that stuck out to me the most about chapter two was the pacing. Everything seemed really rushed and in-the-moment, and I thought that really fit this story perfectly and made me feel as if I was out there with the characters. I also really admired how, through your wording, you captured the energy and the comaraderie between these men. I thought the dialogue flowed very naturally, and I enjoyed how, though this was a tense moment, the guys still had their own way of dealing with it, such as the competition between two of the soldiers.

As far as constructive criticism goes, I did notice quite a bit of punctuation errors, and being the grammar stickler that I am, it did detract from the experience of reading the story and being engrossed in the scene. Another thing that felt slightly off to me was the descriptions of the characters in the first few paragraphs. That part just read really dully for me, and I felt like I didn't have the chance to really soak the characters in because their main traits were just being fired off to me. My suggestion would be to work more on showing the reader these traits as opposed to just stating them like that.

Overall, I enjoyed reading this chapter, and I wish you luck as you continue on with this story.

I don’t usually find war stories on here, so this was a nice change from what I am used to seeing. Hopefully this story will catch my attention since I am not too fond of stories (or movies for that matter) that have to do with war.

Anyway, I really like the prologue, especially the very first sentence. I also like how the first sentence was basically explained with the example and, I’m guessing, the main war of the entire story.

Your descriptions with everything were really good. However, I wasn’t really sure what all of the war lingo was, such as grub, lancer or wretch since I am not war lingo savvy. Anyway, from what I have read, I think this is an interesting story. It is full of action, which is what war is actually like, and all of the characters seem to care about each other. Well done.

I left off on chapter 2 last time, so onto chapter 3! I really like how you describe the friendship between these people, as well as describing their attributes. It really gives the readers a better look at these characters. I won't lie, though; I've never heard of this game before, so some of the language and otherworldly creatures and also, the militaristic language sort of threw me off. I may be a captain's daughter, but I never learned the terminology. Anyways, the fight sequence was definitely interesting. You seem to know how to describe that just right. Kudos to you! Very interesting read. I think I might start liking this.

The layout hurt my eyes with all of the wildly contrasting colors, but that doesn't really matter towards the content of the story. I was just making you aware of that just so you may take into account that a more readable layout might and probably will draw in some more readers because some people instantly say if they can't read the layout, they will not read it. Which would be a shame, because this story is very interesting. I usually don't read things based upon video games or whatever because video games don't always grab my attention. But this was different. I found myself easily reading through the prologue and chapters 1 & 2, as you requested in the thread. Like Alu said, there are some spelling / grammar issues. Otherwise, I found this rather enjoyable and a nice read for a Friday afternoon. Your word choice is very interesting and unlike something I've seen before. You've definitely changed my mind about reading this genre of sorts.

Like I said last time, this is really interesting. I've never read of the video game that this is based on, but it reminds me of that one game Dead Space, for some reason. In any case, this story has this creepy undertone to it that I'm growing to like. Now I'm really scared for this little group. I hope they get outta there alive. My main con/crit here is is the fact that you still have a lot of grammar and spelling errors here. Stuff like that really turns readers away, I won't lie; also, there are some places that I felt could use more details, like, for example, when the grenade went off on Miller. Basic stuff like that also turns readers away. Anyways, great job on this!

This story is really quite amazing. The prologue drew me in immediately. Your word choice is very intriguing, and there were little to no grammatical mistakes, which was refreshing. Overall, it's a wonderful story(:

I find that the layout made the story quite hard to read; but other than that, this definitely has potential. I'm not much for reading these futuristic war-stories. They're not really my cup of tea, but like I said this is good. Your descriptiveness are very nice and clean. I agree with the other commentors when they say that you do have some issues with your semi-colons and spelling errors and such. Some of them are careless and I suggest you get a beta for it. This is very good overall, and I wish you the best of luck!

Okay, I read the prologue before and now I'm reading the first chapter. I liked that you fixed the layout, it looks much neater but I'll recommend aligning in the middle, it'll be easier to read? But that's just me, ahaha.

Your writing is very clear and concise and it's very easy to read, which is a plus. Most stories I struggle to read before getting into it but I was able to get into it straight away. I can see a grammatical error here:
I took a peak to see what we were up against and immediately wished I hadn't.
"Peak" is meant to be peek, but other than that, I can't see too much more grammatical errors.

Your sentences flow relatively smoothly, and keep up the good work :)