Dawn of Gears - Comments

Okay, first off, I don't usually bring layouts into comment swap comments, I generally only do that in reviews, but honestly, I can't read this story with the picture behind the actual text. I had to switch to the default layout, so I'd definitely work on that.

Okay, reading the prologue, I'm noticing a lot of grammatical errors, so as one of the commenters above me mentioned, I'd look into getting a better. Also, the flow's a bit choppy in some places in the prologue, and some of it feels very info-dumpy.

Reading the first chapter, I think your storyline is intriguing. It's not something I'd generally read, but I can still respect the uniqueness of it. I feel like the first chapter is a strikingly good change from the prologue as far as both grammar and flow goes. I also like how you develop your characters, but you don't dwell on the physical. Like it isn't difficult or tedious to read because when you describe your characters, you don't lump the entire physical description into one paragraph, which is definitely overwhelming.

Overall, this was a decent read, and I wish you luck as you continue on with it.

I started reading the prologue & what I saw was good. I liked the descriptions & such, but I feel that you should clean-up your use of semi-colons. There are quite a few sites that explain how to use semi-colons correctly & they do it in a simple fashion. Other than that, I'm not exactly one for war stories but for people that are, I'm sure they'd like this one.

Note I did not plan for the layout to be in the middle of the opening. I was going to drop it so you could see the picture, but I ran out of time to edit it and now I have very little time to just update. It will be fixed soon.

^ agree, the layout is quite hard to read. This story is getting quite interesting. I think you should get a beta to fix the few mistakes but other then that it's good and I can see it going somwhere. Good job! :)

I find the layout quite hard to read but other than that, your story was really good, you have an original storyline and it starts off with a very interesting beginning. You have a few grammatical errors but nothing that can't be fixed, this story has potential!

I read the next two chapters and it is really getting interesting. I think you should pay more attention to detail, though. There's not enough. But other then that, I really like it! Keep going.

I only read the prologue but so far it seems really good. I'm not a big fan of the layout as I prefer specialy made layouts. Other then that, it was good apart from a few errors as silk tea. said. I liked it.

While I find this really interesting just in the prologue there were a lot of spelling errors. As well as in the summary. But otherwise, it's a definite interesting beginning.

I really like the style of this story. And the originality of it had me hooked from the beginning. AND it's written well, which helped keep me hooked.

Read another chapter.
It's really interesting and unique and definitely not a predictable, already-been-told, story.
Like I said, it's not quite the style I tend to read, but it is very interesting and does keep my interest where many others may not.
So kudos!

Oh know, Tai man is defeatable after all. That's not a sarcastic or anything but I was so sure Anderson was going to pop through the wall before they met up with more locusts. That's sad way to go. I don't know if I'm missing something or if you haven't elaborated yet but I'm curious as to how the locusts pushed Tai to shooting himself. The only thing I can think of is stress but it's clearly not the case if others are always kicking the bucket this way. Curiouser and curiouser.

Alrighty, I had another story to comment on since they didn't recieve theirs so I apologize ahead of time for the delay in your comment. I'm pretty good with leaving decent sized comments on stories so if it gets a bit long I apologize for that as well.

Summary

I don't read a lot of war stories but this sounds a little interesting. I know I've never read any storyon here that was based off of a video game either. I'm unfamiliar with Gears of War but I will still comment as best I can especially if this is following a storyline. For your descriptions just before the chapters are listed I would organize them more so they look neater.

Perhaps like this:

General things to know
Grub: Locust drone, a basic foot soldier.
Wretch: A small gollum liuke creature that is useful in melee.
Lancer: The COG's assault rifle It has a chainsaw on the end of it.
Gear: A COG footsoldier.
King Raven: Is a helicopter.
Brumak: A giant living tank the Locust use.

^ Or something to that exstent and have an extra space between the the blurb concerning Google for more information.

Chapter One

This sounds pretty good for being based off of a video game. Since I don't know much about the game itself I'm just gopng to treat this story like it was an original. That way my brain won't fry itself trying to picture suited up men shooting each other and other alien like things. Are all of the chaters as short as this one? That would be great and yes I'm commenting after I read each chapter. I like shorter chapters because they tell a lot more and they don't give away as much as longer chapters. But that's just me. Maybe it is time for the humans to disappear. Will that happen in your story? Or will the humans defeat the locusts by ssome freak miracle and realize they need to live their lives differently in order to survive?

Chapter Two

Battle scenes always seem to go so quickly in the stories on here. Then again dragging them on for forever and a half gets boring after awhile so the short ones never bother anyone. Or at least I would hope so anyway. Anya, such a pretty name. It's the name of one of my characters as well. Also, I didn't point this out before up top in the beginning of the comment but I like that the title relates to the game title. It makes sense in a weird way. I think this scene would have been a bit more realistic if one of Anderson's team was at least wounded. Not necessarilly killed but at least wounded. Whether it be physically or emotionally because even in a war like this no one is going to come out acting like it doesn't bother them.

Chapter Three

So, I found a mistake and I figured I would point it out now because it would have bothered me and stuff.

Apparently we had some sort of alliance with them - This should have some form of punctuation after it. There wasn't any in the chapter.

Ahah, they thought their bomb had won! Clearly the little Locusts have something else up their sleeves. I like Damian, he sounds like a cool guy. I have a feeling Tyerell is probably going to get himself or killed in a situation where he isn't being serious. He just sounds like the character that always dies first in a horror movie ya know? That or Mr. Shows No Emotion, I'm aware he has a name, those ones also seem to die early on in movies. Most of the time it isn't heroically. So the last part of this chapter was the most interesting in all honesty. The battle scene started out pretty much the same as the one in the previous chapter except this time they weren't just walking into it they were running to it. I also don't think a soldier could just brush off a bullet, maybe after he or she recovered from a small sting of pain (depending on how bad they wre it) but they wouldn't just brush it off like dirt. Maybe try a little variety with your battle scenes or space them out a bit? A couple chapters without and a few with them.

Chapter Four

Another battle scene. At least a possible love interst has been introduced. I like Dizzy, he reminds me of my uncle with the southern accent and the crazy driving. If they're launching a full on attack on The Hollow and there is this much battling before it, I can't imagine what hell is waiting for them.

Chapter Five

The first thing I want to point out is that there needs to be some form of punctuation after your dialogue ends. If you have just the dialogue and then nothing typed after the second quotation marks then it's fine without them. Example: "Hi, I'm a mary sue character." Serena said. <-- If the dialogue is like that it needs punctuation at the end. "I completely agree." <-- If it's like that then it doesn't. Also, Tai would have injuries if he was in an explosion. Even if it's a few cuts and bruises or even marks on his hands from crawling out of it. Rocks leave little imprints on us wile we crawl even if they are dull.

"Why are you helping us? Out of everyone why us?" I'm pretty sure there should be a semicolon after "everyone" and before "why".

Let me light up Betty's tittes for ya! I believe this shoulder either be tits ortitties *files nails* Your story, you decide.

"Bring it down bring it down bring it down!" Someone yelled. There should be a comma after the first and second "down".

We fired and I prayed to god it would be enough. In this context "god" would be "God".

Chapter Six

A cliffhanger followed by no word from Tai, Dizzy, or Baker. This spells out trouble and the suspense I was waiting for. It seems a bit more realistic this way but I have a feeling they will be popping back up unharmed in every way. In a sense it will take away from the reality of their situation. These men/women aren't immortal, they have to get hurt physically or emotionally eventually. Also, it sounds like Anderson is starting to lose it since he isn't following his own enforced rules. That or he's bluffing in order to look stronger in front of Victoria. Anderson is losing his patience and Baker wasn't completely healthy after the attack. Realistic and I'm calling it now that Anderson, his group and their robot are the ones coming through the wall.

I found a few pubctuation and grammar errors. I reccommend going to the Proofreading thread in the Tips section. =)

But this is quite original, very interesting. I don't usually like when points of view change throughout a chapter but I think it fits this story well. I have no idea how you came up with something like this but I must say it's pretty damn cool. And now they're in The Hollow =D
Pretty bamf.

I actually love war stories(and the likes) but I always have trouble finding anything that's not all cliché.
...And this is definitely not.
I don't think that you need to elongate the sentences. It's the writer's preference to whether or not to have long sentences.
I did find some minor errors, but nothing besides the occasional punctuation error. I think you may want to describe the "General things to know" within the story itself, though.

I read the prologue! (:
I would generally not go out of my way to read a war story or something of this nature, but I did find it very intriguing!
That being said, you may want to check over your punctuation use, as I noticed a few places where a comma or a semicolon may have come in handy, and elongating your sentences will make the story flow more nicely and make it easier for the reader to immerse themselves in.
(: