July 12th, 2011 at 03:59am
Hallo! I am Daisy and I will comment on your story, take nothing I say offensively, as it's just for your own good mixed with my opinion, you know? I shall try and give very good comment for you!
First thing is first: I have an issue with the main character. Why is he so mean to his Mom when she was just trying to be nice? Does she know her son is gay? Does she treat him like dirt for it? Does she discriminate against him? Does she ignore his cries for help? I do hope all of this will be shown in later chapters -- a family can have a really big affect on how people feel about their sexuality and how they handle it.
Second thing: I have an issue with people who discriminate against homosexual people -- while I am straight, I have an -issue- with people bullying other people for -no- reason. So I have questions about that, as well -- why do they do it? You're going to have to elaborate on the bully's feelings, life and views in order to show they're not flat, one dimensional characters. You need to treat your characters they same, equally, make them fully fleshed out characters no matter who they are. Take pride in them.
Characters need to be realistic and not just pieces of pretty card board displayed in the certain places, all characters need to be elaborated in their own way and have their own reasons and their own characterization, that makes the stories that much better.
Do you have an issue with said tags? D: What happened to emotion while people were talking? You just have random breaks when people talk... but you don't see how they are when they converse, which is depressing. You can get a lot from people from how they talk and what they say -- it would help with characterization, so that might be something to look into, or attempt to elaborate on in your story.
Things seem to be going a bit quick, too, which is fine, if that's the pace you want to have, but you need to elaborate on emotions and ideas, not just actions. It'll give the story a whole new layer if you do that! But in any case, keep going! This is just the first chapter and the story is very promising!
Good luck and happy writings! C:
I love this and I love what you're going to do with it.
Since, y'know, I already know the plot. ;D
Update sooon! I can't wait to read more, love. It's amazing.
c:
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