Fabulous layout, oh my god. I got chills the second I opened this story in my browser. Mega points for that.
The first thing I noticed was how awkward London and Brenna were. I guess it makes more sense after finishing the whole story, but I’m still a little eh on it. Once you introduced more characters and had them all interacting with each other everything smoothed out pretty well.
The next thing that caught my attention as being odd in a not so good way (because your whole story was pretty high up on my weird-shit-o-meter) was Troy talking about London. I feel like Brenna could have found all that out in a better way. If none of them know her, none of them are going to offer so much info about London.
That was a cool way to show that Troy isn’t always a pervert, though. His first remark about her cup size was pretty funny, but that character development for him was really important to prevent him from being a flat character. Troy does come off as a little feminine in that portion of the story, though. Watch out for that. All of that back story was a lie, though, no? Because they were all already dead…? Or was it true, but in the past, and they’re dead now too? And the cold air is the ghosts. So they were loitering around the bathroom. I wasn’t sure if it was them that killed Valentina, or London, but then it ends up that they’re all ghosts anyway, so…hm. It would be really cool if Brenna could see her breath when any of them got too close. Like when London touches her and she feels a shock. If it was an icy shock, you’d have brilliant foreshadowing. I really like that idea, but it’s perfectly fine as you have it. I’m also curious about Nico and the nameless girl. Are they ghosts, too? I HAVE SO MANY QUESTIONS. But that’s perfectly okay; I love stories that keep you guessing and not really sure at the end.
It’s really random that she’s got gasoline in her truck. You should mention it in the beginning – something like…she’s got gas, but nothing the car can take so she’s gotta go to the Shell…I don’t know, something like that – and then have her remember that it’s in her truck and suggest setting the mansion on fire. It’s just a little too convenient the way it is now.
I loved the detail of Violet waving out the dust when they open the mansion’s front door. I could visualize that part of the story really well. The trees leaning away from the house was a great detail, too. Very eerie.
I kinda thought there was something fishy about this group in the beginning! I got more of an Edward Cullen-feel than an oh-my-god-they’re-ghosts feel. I suppose that makes a lot of sense, though – as to what’s wrong with London in the very beginning. I’m dying to know now whether everybody could see them, or just Brenna, and how they picked her.
I noticed Kingston was gone, too (what a personality on him; nice job), and I just about cried when he fell right in front of the car with the noose. Super sad. He was my favorite character. You had some witty lines, too. I especially liked “My stomach was too full of butterflies; I couldn’t possibly fit food in there too.” That was cool.
I liked how Brenna’s drive changed as the story progressed. A lot of mibba stories don’t have that, and I think that’s one of those things that make a story really interesting. In the beginning Brenna just wanted some new friends, and that changed with the kicked up desire to be with London. I loved how she got ballsier through the night, though; when London started being an ass, she was like, “uh uh, I don’t want to be with this jerkoff,” and she stood up for Violet. That was realistic. Nicely done. I got so wrapped up in this story that I completely forgot somebody was going to die until you mentioned the Ouija board in one of the author’s notes. Then I was like “Oh my god, right; how did I forget??”
There were some minor misspellings and one or two places with past/present tense changes that weren’t too bad, but you need some work on your grammar and punctuation. Most of it wasn’t too bad, but some parts were unreadable. I have no idea what some of your sentences were trying to say. “I’m guessing you were supposed to rip the board or leave the circle without saying goodbye, huh?” I guessed this was supposed to say “weren’t”; that wasn’t too bad, but you really need to proof read because that mistake dramatically changed the meaning of the sentence. On the upside, nice sass. I liked that. There are a lot of “I” sentences, too. You could jazz up your story a lot by using verbs and adjectives, or even just other pronouns, at the start of your sentences, but that’s one of my picky stylistic things, so don’t worry too much about it.
There are parts that really flow and parts that seem like you just kinda stuck filler stuff in there to get to the next important part. I might actually cut out the stuff you just sorta wrote for the sake of keeping things moving. It feels like you had a brilliant idea, but weren’t sure how to execute it; you kind of sloughed through the story. With more time to elaborate your plot, the delivery could be better.
I love love love the inspiration of your story. Very cool. I’m kind of a history junkie, so the fact that your story is based on a “real” story is really cool. Overall, not a bad story. Thanks for entering it!
Fabulous layout, oh my god. I got chills the second I opened this story in my browser. Mega points for that.
The first thing I noticed was how awkward London and Brenna were. I guess it makes more sense after finishing the whole story, but I’m still a little eh on it. Once you introduced more characters and had them all interacting with each other everything smoothed out pretty well.
The next thing that caught my attention as being odd in a not so good way (because your whole story was pretty high up on my weird-shit-o-meter) was Troy talking about London. I feel like Brenna could have found all that out in a better way. If none of them know her, none of them are going to offer so much info about London.
That was a cool way to show that Troy isn’t always a pervert, though. His first remark about her cup size was pretty funny, but that character development for him was really important to prevent him from being a flat character. Troy does come off as a little feminine in that portion of the story, though. Watch out for that. All of that back story was a lie, though, no? Because they were all already dead…? Or was it true, but in the past, and they’re dead now too? And the cold air is the ghosts. So they were loitering around the bathroom. I wasn’t sure if it was them that killed Valentina, or London, but then it ends up that they’re all ghosts anyway, so…hm. It would be really cool if Brenna could see her breath when any of them got too close. Like when London touches her and she feels a shock. If it was an icy shock, you’d have brilliant foreshadowing. I really like that idea, but it’s perfectly fine as you have it. I’m also curious about Nico and the nameless girl. Are they ghosts, too? I HAVE SO MANY QUESTIONS. But that’s perfectly okay; I love stories that keep you guessing and not really sure at the end.
It’s really random that she’s got gasoline in her truck. You should mention it in the beginning – something like…she’s got gas, but nothing the car can take so she’s gotta go to the Shell…I don’t know, something like that – and then have her remember that it’s in her truck and suggest setting the mansion on fire. It’s just a little too convenient the way it is now.
I loved the detail of Violet waving out the dust when they open the mansion’s front door. I could visualize that part of the story really well. The trees leaning away from the house was a great detail, too. Very eerie.
I kinda thought there was something fishy about this group in the beginning! I got more of an Edward Cullen-feel than an oh-my-god-they’re-ghosts feel. I suppose that makes a lot of sense, though – as to what’s wrong with London in the very beginning. I’m dying to know now whether everybody could see them, or just Brenna, and how they picked her.
I noticed Kingston was gone, too (what a personality on him; nice job), and I just about cried when he fell right in front of the car with the noose. Super sad. He was my favorite character.
You had some witty lines, too. I especially liked “My stomach was too full of butterflies; I couldn’t possibly fit food in there too.” That was cool.
I liked how Brenna’s drive changed as the story progressed. A lot of mibba stories don’t have that, and I think that’s one of those things that make a story really interesting. In the beginning Brenna just wanted some new friends, and that changed with the kicked up desire to be with London. I loved how she got ballsier through the night, though; when London started being an ass, she was like, “uh uh, I don’t want to be with this jerkoff,” and she stood up for Violet. That was realistic. Nicely done. I got so wrapped up in this story that I completely forgot somebody was going to die until you mentioned the Ouija board in one of the author’s notes. Then I was like “Oh my god, right; how did I forget??”
There were some minor misspellings and one or two places with past/present tense changes that weren’t too bad, but you need some work on your grammar and punctuation. Most of it wasn’t too bad, but some parts were unreadable. I have no idea what some of your sentences were trying to say. “I’m guessing you were supposed to rip the board or leave the circle without saying goodbye, huh?” I guessed this was supposed to say “weren’t”; that wasn’t too bad, but you really need to proof read because that mistake dramatically changed the meaning of the sentence. On the upside, nice sass. I liked that. There are a lot of “I” sentences, too. You could jazz up your story a lot by using verbs and adjectives, or even just other pronouns, at the start of your sentences, but that’s one of my picky stylistic things, so don’t worry too much about it.
There are parts that really flow and parts that seem like you just kinda stuck filler stuff in there to get to the next important part. I might actually cut out the stuff you just sorta wrote for the sake of keeping things moving. It feels like you had a brilliant idea, but weren’t sure how to execute it; you kind of sloughed through the story. With more time to elaborate your plot, the delivery could be better.
I love love love the inspiration of your story. Very cool. I’m kind of a history junkie, so the fact that your story is based on a “real” story is really cool. Overall, not a bad story. Thanks for entering it!