October 9th, 2011 at 03:21am
I LOVE THIS ONE TOO.
You are wonderful. Really. I love the transitions between dialogue and the story, the input of the little girl. It worked out really well, I think.
"It's the best fairytale I know."
Awhh. And the last line was perfect and adorable. I'm jealous of these fictional characters.
She gripped harder onto the cool metal chains of the black swing, - I think the flow is a little off in this, maybe something like: Her grip tightened around the cool...
in the land of toddlers.” His voice trailed off, - I think a comma needs to go in here because it's related to his speech. So maybe toddlers," his or toddlers," he said as his voice began to trail off...
“I happen to like swinging. You’re never too old to feel like you’re flying. By the way, I’m eighteen; you were close. - I think this is a lovely few lines here. :) I just like how they make the characters seem really conversational with each other, just some light humour. :) It reads really well.
Once again, it sounded like bells. - this might just be me (because I'm listening to music so things aren't sticking in my head as much as they could be whilst I read), but..bells? What sounds like bells? His voice, their surroundings, warning bells in her head? It just sounds a little odd. But I do apologize if I missed an earlier reference to bells. :)
she whispered, before glancing up - you don't need that comma in there. :) It reads nicely without it.
forget the sight of her, blushing and smiling at him.” - same goes with this one. I think without the comma, particularly in this sentence, it sounds a lot sweeter and lovelier with what's happening. :)
It stuck to their ankles, but neither paid it much attention as the cool water lapped against their shins. - shins = above ankles. I feel like the water would be taking the sand off their ankles as it moved out. Maybe if you wanted to keep that sentence you could twist it to something like: but neither paid it much attention as they stepped into the cool water, letting it lap against their shins, taking away the sand.... something like that maybe?
me this last week, when - I also don't think the comma needs to be in this sentence.
tell you that got an internship - that I got?
This may also just be me; “She said yes. And he knew he was the luckiest person in the world, so he proposed and they got married,” Samuel said, his own chocolate eyes glancing lovingly between his girls.
“Then they lived happily ever after, and had a beautiful baby girl,” Natalie finished, sneaking a kiss with Samuel. - but I feel like those few paragraphs kind of make it a little too cheesy. :/ HOWEVER! the following paragraphs between Natalie and Samuel are just lovely, especially with “It’s the best fairytale I know.” - I think that line is absolutely wonderful. :)
Overall, I think it's a really nice story. I like how it's about the parents and Rae is oblivious to this which makes it all the more sweeter. I also like how there's that bout of conflict where Samuel was lost for words when Natalie said she loved him. I thought it was great. :) It's just an overall sweet story. :)