Tasting Ivory - Comments

Chapter One:
Okay so you are extremely good at making someone sit on the edge of their seats. Building suspense should literally just be put on your resume under lists of skills. Alleys are a terrible place that you never, never want to go down!

Chapter Two:
I like Adrian's character very much. The past that he has is very troubled and interesting. This story is impressive. So suspenseful. I just need to know what's going on. Who took his sister. Is she even alive anymore? Is Adrian going to become this badass super hero out for revenge? Ah! I just love all of the possibilities!

sorry, double

Summary:
I like the summary you've got! It's short and to the point, but gives enough insight to let the readers in on what might happen. I really appreciated that.

Chapter One:
The second I got to the third sentence, I figured something horrible was going to happen to Elsa, then I got to the part with the alley and it became even more obvious. Oh boy.
Woah, those that few paragraphs were absolutely intense and I loved the detail.

Chapter Two:
he would never be able to close his eyes without seeing hers again. This line is so chilling and I absolutely love it.
Oh no, I wonder how Adrian is going to take the news of his sister. Or what his sister has become. I'm so curious to find out!
Oh no, poor Adrian... I can't even imagine. Ah, geez.

Chapter Three:
The description of the monster gave me chills. I would definitely turn the other way if I ever saw that at night.
I hope he can save the other person, I really do. I'm also super curious to know what it is that's attacking people.
Woah! Yup, I'm even more curious now.

Chapter Four:
I feel bad that Shae had to do something like that, but at least she was able to. I loved the fact that she wasn't a damsel or anything. She took charge.
I know I was just introduced, but wow, I'm loving Pierce already!

Chapter Five:
This chapter was so intense. A zombie apocalypse is one thing, but this seems like something else entirely and- woah. I'd be freaking out- or vomiting, like Adrian.

I really hope you decide to continue this because I'd love to see where it goes. The concept is absolutely amazing. I saw very few mistakes, but the flow was absolutely perfect. I'd love to see what else you do with this. Great job!

I'm rather enjoying this. It is quite nicely paced and the prose is enthralling. The characters seem real although sometimes they come off as a little sterile and robotic. I rather enjoyed reading the first two chapters and I have definitely subscribed to this story. Continue it. FOREVER!

A. This story gives me chills.
B. Both Adrian and Pierce are BABES.
C. I love this.

THIS IS SO INTENSE I LOVE IT!
Seriously, I think my heart races when I read this story.

this is so suspenseful and action packed - I love it! bonus, chris pine is absolutely stunning.

Well shoot, I just realized I'm subscribed to this! :D Update soon, yeah? Yeah? I loved the way you described the sky & surroundings in chapter one, & chapter two...what an ending! I am seriously excited to see where this goes next.

[summary / layout]

You had me hooked from the very second I read the summary. I'm a sucker for stories where everything gets turned upside down so the idea of the narrator worrying that they wouldn't ever have a normal life again had me so intrigued. Couple that with the gorgeous banner and I'm definitely hoping to be in for a treat!

[prologue]

I know I should probably comment in order and say what I liked about the chapter overall, but firstly can I just say that I adore the way you've kind of book-ended the beginning and end by starting both first and last paragraphs by using the Elsa's full name? It's such a simple little thing but I think it draws everything together beautifully.

And now onto actually commenting in order of reading. I really like that you've started off by using a mixture of short emphatic sentences and wonderfully poetic-sounding sentences when describing the sky. It gives the entire chapter this sense of mystery and kind of foreshadows with this lovely urgent tone, but I still get a perfect sense of the surroundings through the description which is just perfect -- not too flowery, but still enough to allow the reader to paint this wonderful picture in their mind.

Honesty, the latter half of the prologue played out exactly like some of the better slasher movies I've seen. Sometimes, it's a little overwhelming with the language you've used, but I think I like that about it. You can imagine being right there with Elsa as the life drains out of her body and although it gave me the shivers, it works so well. You've done a fantastic job at writing that, I'd have botched it up something awful. In fact, I don't think I know many people that could have done as good a job with that scene without messing up somehow.

[one]

Adrian is instantly likeable. I just get the feeling that before he left, he was the atypical caring big brother and that warms me a lot. Almost instantly though, you bring this dark side into his character and show his flaws and I think that's great. I see too many older siblings in stories that are like saints and are put on pedestals like gods, but you bring Adrian right back down to the ground with that and it's really interesting to see that you've incorporated the whole shooting a civilian thing in, especially with the way you describe him feeling about the whole thing. It's one of the things that I don't see often enough in soldiers from books / stories, so it makes a lovely change to read that aspect of regret, although I do feel terribly sorry for Adrian for having to go through that.

I wondered how Elsa being ripped apart was going to factor into the first chapter, so when I read the tail end of the chapter, I was really pleased (that's really sadistic, isn't it?) to see that it was Adrian that found her. I think it'll play out for a really interesting next chapter and it does finish on a bit of a cliffhanger so I'll definitely be subscribing to see what happens next!

[critique]

I honestly can't say I found much to critique. Your grammar is spot-on, description is lovely and in most places, you use a really varied amount of vocabulary. The only thing I noticed was in the following lines:

The sky was just beginning to darken when the man finally looked up from the piece of wood he had been shaving down. The piece of furniture wasn’t nearly finished...

This is super-picky, but the repetition of piece in both sentences threw me off a little. Literally the only thing I could find to critique when I was reading through though.

[overall]

Absolutely loved it. Your short chapters so far make this a really easy read and I love the amount of work that has evidently gone into it. The plot is really mysterious right now, but I am really looking forward to finding out what'll be happening in the future with this!

Oh my gosh - I already have such a soft spot for Adrian. I just wanna hold him.
This is already so mind-blowingly good. I can't wait for the next chapter!

This is great~!

I don't know if this is my love for slightly morbid and morbid things speaking up, or I'm just dazed by the prologue and the way it was written - but it's amazing ahaha
I really love the descriptions and how you described dying; I'm always in some sort of doubt how to write a death scene from the point of character dying, and I don't frequently find it very well written.

Definitely can't wait to read more. c:

Wow. This was intense. I don't even know what to think, but please update soon!

SWEET BABY JESUS, THIS WAS AMAZING.

Seriously, that took me a minute to process, but I subscribed immediately. And the thing is, I don't even really know what the story's about, which is super weird for me as I usually just bookmark it and wait to find out. But look at me, making rash decisions because this was so fucking good.

Other people are saying zombies? THAT WOULD BE FUCKING AWESOME, but even if it's not I'm totally in. Whether it's zombies or vampires or just a really weird cannibal-freak-serial-killer type thing, I'm staying with this. You should be published. Seriously.

I feel sorry for her, I do. But it wasn't really a smart move.
The fact that you described the intestines the way you did made me a little nauseous, but that's a pretty good thing, if you ask me. The layout was beautiful, your writing was good, and I honestly don't understand why you aren't making millions on your stories already. It was flawless.

Wonderful! Haha, I have to agree with Isadora! Clearly this woman never watched horror movies. You go down the ally you die. It's a simple fact.

You use wonderful description as always. You paint this story and just draw us all in. It makes me both excited and curious to see what will happen next!

Nigga, duh fuck?What stupid ass bitch goes up in a damn alley anyway? She deserved it if you ask me. She deserved to have her throat ripped the fuck out, that is just ignorant, okay. IGNORANT.

But anyways I'm glad you told me you finally did this because shit. I needed something new to read. I'm wondering just where the hell these vampires come in if that thing was a zombie. Feel special because usually I don't read this stuff unless it's zombie shit just ZOMBIE SHIT.

Anyways I need to go tend to my hurt leg. I ran into the edge of my bed this morning trying to run to go take a piss and I am in major pain.

Holy shit.
That was unbelieveably.. well written. It was like.. I COULD SEE IT ALL HAPPEN!
Amazing, like a movie! Like I was her, the girl who got torn apart! Amazing.

I've never come across a story written the way you written this! Let's just say I was a fish.. swimming around happily, then I see something that I had to capture with my mouth, only for the tables to be turned on me. And I was the one captured!

I am definitely subscribing! I love zombies. Hehe.

Um, oh my god. WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME? I feel like I'm shaking. That was just so intense and wonderful and amazing and powerful and oooh I loved it to pieces. I loved the bit about being able to watch herself die; the words just made me stare. This is amazing. I'm not sure what sort of story it will be, but I love it so far and I love the idea of having her die in the first chapter. Keep it up, bb.