December 1st, 2011 at 01:28am
omg, that was so good. as you should already be aware, i don't often read hetero fics online unless i kinda have to, so that's saying something. :p
i love cobalt's personality. her perspective on life. it's unique, intriguing and just... i don't know. the first chapter shows that there's so much more to her than meets the eye—and yeah that's kind of cliche, the whole 'tough on the outside, sensitive on the inside' thing—but you've made her an entirely special character that it doesn't seem so cliche anymore.
you used a lot of unfinished sentences in this chapter; they're great, but maybe used a little too often? i don't know, i just noticed it a lot. but i doubt it's much of a problem anyway. :]
it really is lovely, this piece. possibly the best i've read by you so far. :3 lines like this— Passion doesn’t care if I hate all forms of life, nor does it care if I want to be alone because I feel like I’m a waste of space and I want to run away from everything.—completely won me over.
i'm not completely strong on my tenses, either, but i think there might be a bit of a grammatical error here? it might be present elsewhere in the chapter too, but here i actually noticed it; at first, you're in past tense:
“Cobalt, why do you insist on evading me? You and I both know that you feel the same way I do.” He placed a hand on my face, cradling my cheek.
and then all of a sudden you switch to present tense:
I can feel the water works coming on, my throat’s constricting, tears are welling up, I hate to admit it but the Russian’s right.
and one more thing. the layout. i think it's alright, but kind of plain? i'm cool with simple layouts, but... i don't know. i found it just a tad hard to read from; maybe because of the black story area or the font or something. but then again, that's just personal preference. i think i've gotten too used to safari's reader function, lol. :p
but yeah. other than that, amazing job. :3 i really think you should try to promote this story and continue it. :] it's often harder to get readers for original hetero fics, but i'm sure if you got people to give it a chance, they'd get hooked. x]
I love it when the main character's got a bitchy attitude like that, mostly because it's different and fun and it can go so many different directions. Plus, who can go wrong when they bring a Russian into the cast? Russian's are awesome. Mostly, I love the dynamic between your characters.
Some of the lines in there, I'm not gonna lie, made me jealous. I haven't read your writing in so long and now I can honestly not remember why! One thing I have to say, though, is that for an opening chapter it doesn't give a whole lot of information. Like, I don't think I would have known it was set in the future if you wouldn't have told me, but it could be one of those things where you gradually ease into the information and all, which could also be a good thing!
Keep at it! I'd love to see more!