Eyes Wide Shut - Comments

I love love love the layout.

Um I do like the story and concept, but with people like me it's really hard to focus at times when it gets a bit slow. Yet, it's really good and I kinda am in love with it.

I love your introduction, and right from the beginning of the first chapter, I can tell that this is mature writing, and that you're being serious about it. I think you start off just right. Also, I will say now that the layout is effective, and the way you borrow from other things in titling your story and chapters is something I think is quite cute.

You describe the mood in the first chapter very well, and I like the fact that you are indirect- speaking about the brother's state of appearance and behaviour to give clues about the family and its dynamic, rather than just saying things outright. I also enjoyed the conversation between the siblings, and feel like this built some character in them, which is always important to do setting out. By the end of the first chapter, this is already well-fleshed enough that I'm interested to find out what happens next.

There were just a few errors in this chapter- little things like 'bended' instead of 'bent'. It would probably benefit from a proof-read, but I didn't feel like the flow was severely affected, so this would just be for the sake of making it more professional. Other things, like the capitalisation of 'Father' when your protagonist is referring to his relationship and not addressing him by this as a name, are also dubious, and you have sentences like this one, that could benefit from some punctuation:

He didn’t want the tabloids to scream “Samuel Kendrick” he needed it.

I think a semi-colon would be helpful in there just before 'he'.

The last kind of mistake I noticed was your use of double inverted commas around the title of the book, 'The Cather In the Rye'. If you're already using double intervened commas for your dialogue, using single ones for the title of the book would be more formally consistent.

Overall, I think you have a good story here, and your only Achilles heel seems to be a slight lack of polish, which is easily fixed. Consider getting a beta.

The layout is absolutely gorgeous, I love it<3

I liked the first chapter, and the bond between Blair and Samuel that you developed. I also love Samuel's character in general. I love the way you've written this and I think this is a really interesting concept. I really like the idea in the first chapter about Blair's relationship with books and how that became her 'thing'. I love the whole concept of this and I can't wait to read more :3

I'm really interested to see what made Samuel want to act out so much. Obviously, their family is super screwed up.
The only grammar thing I noticed was when Blair was asking Samuel if his head hurt you wrote "you're head hurt?" and it should be "your head hurt?" but other than that super small thing it's wonderful!

In the first chapter, I like the relationship you displayed between Samuel and Blair - like how when tough times come, Samuel has to be the comforting big brother. It was very heartwarming, and it carried on to the second chapter. I'm glad to know that although Samuel may make bad decisions, Blair's still there for him. So yes, I think the relationship made a good impact for the story.

In the second chapter, I saw one sentence that sort of confused me: He didn’t want the tabloids to scream “Samuel Kendrick” he needed it. I wasn't sure if that was supposed to be two sentences or not, or if I'm just reading it completely wrong ['cause I tend to read stuff wrong a lot ._.].

So great well-written chapters, keep it up! c:

I really liked this first chapter and I'm interested to see where it goes.

You have a couple small grammar mistakes here and there, so I'd get someone to read it over for you next time just in case. Also, you repeat words a lot, like eyes, and brown. You can leave those out or find some nice synonyms.

I think the relationship between this girl and her brother is very special. Cliche, but special. You see this all the time in real life, families breaking apart because of the parents. It's sad that this girl is so young and it's happening. My friend's parents are getting a divorce and she's 17, so I can imagine how hard this would be for an 8 year old. It's hard on her.

Anyways, I think that you have a good start. Good luck!

firstt comment ahhhhhhh this is the tanner affair all over againnn <3 Samuel sounds adorabllee <3 i love thiss