August 23rd, 2011 at 06:06am
Contest Judging
Firstly, thank you for joining the contest. :)
Layout
I'm honestly not a fan. I like the photo but the blue background just doesn't look good. At all. I think if you changed it to white, it would be wonderful.
Content
It starts off kind of stiff. I feel like you need more to really get it to flow the right way. The sentences are kind of just blunt and while they get the point across that's all they really do. You need more detail, what's the pizza parlor look like? What does the food smell like? What's the weather like? What are the people around him doing?
I do like that you gave this girl a cute little quirk like snorting while she laughs. I feel like you telling us that she really does still love him takes away any suspense the story might have held. I'm not going to be sitting her like COME ON LOVE HIM BACK, because I already know she does. It just tells me I know exactly what is about to come.
“Hey!” she called brightly to him, setting her backpack down on the bench they used as seats. I think it's kind of obvious they use the bench as seats. You can just say something like, setting her backpack on their usual bench, somehting like that?
Before you make it seem like she's just with one other person but now there's someone else? I think that should've been clearer when she first entered the pizzeria. Also the switching from point of views from him to her, it doesn't work for me. I think you should stay focused on one character rather than having someone who knows all. It would be much better to get this all from his point of view rather from his and hers.
I do like the message you're trying to convey. But like I said, there are some really stiff sentences throughout here and I think there are better ways to make them flow easier. then there's the whole point of view thing and the lack of the element of surprise.
You should write more :D