Harmonia Nectere Passus - Comments

Aww poor Draco. This was really realistic. I felt like you captured Draco, and Snape for that matter, really well almost exactly how they are in the books. The font bothered me, though. It was kind of obnoxious to stare at. :/

I really loved the originality of this short story! I am in love with Draco and this is a great way to see him in his true form, but also in a more sensitive side too.

I especially liked when you described his break down; it made me want to just cuddle him to me and let him cry!

I think your sentances were a little choppy during the first paragraph and having someone else proof read quickly before submitting will help smooth all that over. Also, I think that the layout you made fit in so perfectly with your theme!

Firstly, I would like to say that I love the title of this- it's actually what made me click to read your story. A lot of Harry Potter fanfictions end up using rather generic titles, so I'm happy to see that you've chosen something this original. I'm also a huge fan of the whole scene where Draco is actually mending the Vanishing Cabinet, so that's a nice appeal for me as well.

I'd like to say, though, that the introduction of the person walking in the corridor, Draco Malfoy, could have been done a bit more smoothly. Instead of saying The breeze caught his platinum blonde as he marched forward, you could change 'his' to 'Draco's', and then you've effectively introduced who he is. I like the descriptive word choices, though, and it becomes very clear to me quite quickly that Mr. Malfoy is on a mission.

I also really love the way you describe the corridor. I don't remember the corridor leading up to the Room of Requirement being described as murky in the books, but as this is fanfiction, I think the artistic liberty works (it helps to feed the sort of morbid mood that this one-shot has going for it.) There are a few grammatical errors in the first few paragraphs (such as leaving off the 's' in 'Hogwarts rules' and the 'r' in 'through), but it's easier to overlook these things because the description is done quite well. I would still fix these errors (and perhaps make a few word choice changes), but so far, this is pretty all right.

One thing that kind of threw me, though, is the phrase placed his grasp. It would be simpler to say grasped the necklace instead. I also like the way that he repeats the incantation Harmonia Nectere Passus, as it's reminiscent of the way he did this in book six, but I have a few things I'd like to point out here, as well. Instead of simply having him repeat the incantation and having the sentence fragment following it, I might suggest adding more detail, similar to the way you did in the first half of the one-shot.

Make sure that it's clear that he has to close the cabinet door, speak the incantation, and then open the door again (as the door closing is the only way that a Vanishing Cabinet works.) You might also want to make sure that the way he begins to slowly break down still allows him to use his wand- him placing his fists against the doors doesn't allow him to point his wand directly at them.

I do like, though, the way you wrote his breakdown. It's very realistic, and very similar to the way Draco began to slowly break down in the sixth book when he began to fail at his mission. I don't think, however, that he was given the Mark until after Dumbledore was gone; I also don't believe that Dark Marks burn when other Death Eaters appear. I also would like to know how Snape would know that Draco's in the Room of Requirement, and how he would know exactly what to tell the Room in order to find Draco- so perhaps you could devote a paragraph or a short conversation to clarifying that.

I do like the way that you ended this, though. It's very Snape-like to become fed up, say a few snarky things, and then stalk away, so that ending was very well done (and it made me giggle.) So, all in all, though I did have a few things to criticize, I think this was very well done, so. Good job!