Identity - Comments

the prologue doesn't really say much, but you should definitively keep writing.

You can just delete the multiples, it froze and I clicked submit too many times... XD

You can just delete the multiples, it froze and I clicked submit too many times... XD

You can just delete the multiples, it froze and I clicked submit too many times... XD

You can just delete the multiples, it froze and I clicked submit too many times... XD

Hm, I didn't really get it, but I like your writing style. It's not really something you see everyday, pulled off so well. I like how you describe things, too, it's easier to picture what's happening in my head :)

Hm, I didn't really get it, but I like your writing style. It's not really something you see everyday, pulled off so well. I like how you describe things, too, it's easier to picture what's happening in my head :)

Hm, I didn't really get it, but I like your writing style. It's not really something you see everyday, pulled off so well. I like how you describe things, too, it's easier to picture what's happening in my head :)

I noticed a handful of grammar mistakes and one spelling mistake. You misspelled whirls at one point. The grammar mistakes were mostly minor. For example, like many people have pointed out before me, you used a very unclear pronoun when describing her time in the bath. Also, there were a few misplaced commas, and in one sentence, you switch from using tears, a plural noun, to it, a singular pronoun, for some reason. With that aside, this story seems like it's going to be very good. I like the dissonance between the cutesy layout and the somber tone of your writing. The lead character seems very interesting, if a bit demented, and I could see her developing into a really magnificent protagonist, the kind that walks in moral gray areas. All in all, keep up the good work. With just a little tweaking, this story could be really fantastic.

Yeah, this is pretty awesome. I really love the description in the first paragraph. In fact, all of your description was pretty good. The only thing I had a problem with was where you wrote, "She runs her hands under the pouring water and watches as it taints the water...". That's an unclear pronoun reference; the reader doesn't really know what it is. You need to say "blood" or something there to clarify. Other than that, this is pretty epic!

This was incredibly well-written! I feel so sorry for the little girl, that the voices in her head brought her to do such a thing. You did a great job with your detail and characters! I didn't notice any mistakes, either, so great job there.

This was really well written and it leaves me wanting to know more, which is the sign of a good story. I think you exicuted your descriptions and word choice percetly. There were no mistakes, but there was one part of the story i thought was worded a bit oddly:

She runs her hands under the pouring water and watches as it taints the water, changing it from its crystal clear state to a murky reddish brown.

The bolded part strikes me as a bit odd sounding. It's not clear as to if it's her hands murking the water, or some unseen force, the infamous "it." If you're talking about her hands, I'd change it to "they" instead of "it." It might just be me though.

All in all, good story. Can't wait until you update.

I really enjoyed your first chapter. It came across as slightly demented, yet calm. I loved your descriptions. I really believe that this will become a really decent story. Keep going with this!! It may be new territory for you, but you are doing a fantastic job with it!!! Keep writing!!! :)

I really like the deceiving sort of nature of the layout, like a couple of people below me said. It's really neat that it's kind of cutesy, and parallels the story summary wonderfully. I like the idea overall, though I've always been a sucker for stories concerning mental illness.

The way you wrote the first chapter was particularly haunting; the detached way Romie speaks to Analeigh is really eerie and I love it. The description is really lovely, especially your wordchoice.

The one thing I would say is that it is rather short. I might lengthen the chapters a bit? This is a stylistic nitpick, though, and completely up to you to ignore.

Subscribing. :)

i cant wait to see the rest! you have an amazing hook and an amazing follow-through. i love it.

Point A: I really like the layout. It's simple but oh so pretty.

Point B: I didn't notice any misspellings or grammer mistakes so that's good. And you described things very well and the sentences were varied/well done. However, despite all the good stuff it just didn't really capture me. The intial idea is great, it's just not as much my thing as I had expected. There was just something...I'm not sure what, it just didn't draw me in. Other than that though it was very good.

Wow, sinister.

I am so excited to see this! I've never seen anything so dark like this before, especially for a little girl. It sounds amazing so far, thus I will be subscribing my friend<33

The layout is simple, innocent, seeming to be an exact opposite of the title. :) Summary really draws me in.

Chapter One is short and sweet. You take the innocence of an eight year old and make it slightly creepy...which is good. I like creepy. :)

“They told me to,” she replies to the crying girl as she points to her head. “The voices in my head, they told me to. Please don’t tell anyone, it has to be our secret.” I can picture a little girl doing this in some sort of horror movie.

You keep the desciption simple. I love your style of writing. I'm subbing because this story greatly intrigues me! :)

I really like this so far. I like the whole idea of it. The way it was written was really nice, especially the first paragraph. "Tears fight their way past the brims of her eyelids, pushing dirt from its path as it makes a downward journey. You did well. He deserved it. It had to be done! Voices hiss inside her head, and the room whirs into a spinning motion as she clamps blood tarnished hands to her ears." I thought the way you worded that entire part was perfect.

I don't have much criticism, but the description in the second paragraph seems to run a little long. It's kind of, "She did this, then she did this, then she did this." It wasn't bad at all, but I feel the need to give at least a little criticism, and that was the only thing I could find, haha.

The story itself was definitely intriguing and I'm interested in seeing more. Subscribing. :)

Okay, so I read the summary before really looking at the layout and I have to say, uhm, well, the layout is really innocent compared to the summary, haha! Either way, though, I think it works well to throw off the reader, per say. I like it! :D

Chapter 1: Omg, this is so freaky and sad, how those voices control this poor little girl. I would've never guessed they were only eight until you mentioned it. That's just...terrible! The conversation between her and Ana was so realistic. The way you described everything was absolutely perfect - the colors, the blood, the water, the voices. It was absolutely amazing! Great job! <3

So I really, really love this and I'm excited to find out what's going to happen next. Subbing! <3