Basic Anatomical Parts - Comments

The comment swap showed me your story and might I say. It's really good! I'm only on the first chaoter, but I'm already gtting into it. Though, every now and then, it would be confusing on what's happening. Like when you brought up the white walls out of nowhere. But, otherwise, it's great. By! :3

Comment swap brought me here. I definitely like the idea, and the first chapter was really what made me interested enough to read on. I think that the way you describe the story itself makes it seem real, like I'm watching the scenes unfold in front of me. It's kind of cool. I also like how you give a hint at her past in her nightmare but you don't really go on about it after that. Mysterious. Definitely wish you'd update. Amazing.

Here from comment swapping.
I love the title, and the layout is lovely, Your banner is beautiful. The first chapter is really good, you started off very well. I like your descriptions throughout this, you could have developed some things a little better, but I still liked it. I'm definitely going to subscribe, I can't wait for more!

Hey! I’ll be reviewing chapter by chapter and give my honest critique about your story

Summary
The summary for me is okay. It would have been better without the excerpt though. The summary doesn’t really flow as well as it should but it’s better than a summary like ‘I don’t like summaries. Please read.’

First Chapter
The first chapter is very descriptive and well-written! I enjoyed reading it and it wasn’t as boring as most first chapters.

” I’ll claim now that it was the accent combined so unexpectedly with those fair, innocent features--high cheek bones and fluid movements--that caught me off guard and resulted in that which was soon to come, but it was really something so simply beyond either of our control it seems petty and ridiculous to even attempt to hold accountable: basic anatomical parts.”
I just don’t understand this paragraph.

Other than that, your first chapter was perfect!

Second Chapter
Okay, there were two sentences in the first paragraph should have ended in a period instead of a semicolon. Aside from that, it was also good! The descriptions were perfect and it was a splendid chapter.

Third Chapter
I think this chapter had a good back story and it certainly gave some details about Jaidea.

Fourth Chapter
The first sentence should have ended in a period. That’s the only thing I saw that was incorrect.

Fifth Chapter
I think you meant the word ‘except’ instead of ‘accept’ in this sentence: Accept maybe Liddy. Liddy wanted to see me fail.

Overall
This story is a very good story. Jaidea is a very interesting character and I’d love to know her back-story. The details and descriptions and there are only a few stories here in Mibba that can maintain the descriptiveness in all the chapters. I just noticed after reading all the chapters that this story was slow-paced. It doesn’t matter, actually but I usually don’t read those kind of stories but while I was carefully reading the chapters, I kinda forgot about my dislike. I am very interested and curious to what will happen next. I am definitely subscribing and recommending this story. I’m very excited for the next chapter and I’m so glad that I joined the Comment Swap thread or else, I wouldn’t have seen this story.

I read your latest chapter because I figured the most recently wouldnt have as much feedback.
The chapter is well written, it has great punctuation and grammar. I enjoyed the dialogue in the beginning it seemed like an actual conversation people would have and not some stilted fabricated stuff. And your description is s great. Im going to read it from one because Im actually really interested in the story now. Recc and Sub.

From reading the first chapter so far, I really like how much character is already in the story. It's like you've actually brought them to life and are just telling their story. I'm looking forward to watching this story grow more and develop into something awesome. I could see myself liking the direction that it's going in. The only thing I might want to see more of is an advanced in-depth description on subjects. Otherwise this is a pretty good beginning.

Comment swap user!
I really enjoyed the first chapter! Usually if I don't like the first chapter, I stop reading the story and move on to the next one.... But I really enjoyed yours! I like how your characters flow together and also how the story flows with the current as well! I have to say that Oliver is my favorite character! I don't know what there is abut him but the way you right him is just interesting. I can't wait to read the other chapters and find out what is to come for Jacey. Keep up the great work and I look forward for what's to come! Oh and I will also be subscribing and recommending your story :)

I critique as I read so if I say something and then I read on and you have what I complained about, I’ll simply right “Scratch that” after what I said.

All right, I’m not sure where you’re from and if that is how youse speak but just in case it’s a typo I’ll state it. “…tighter around me and…” it seems very childlike and not that easy to read, try “myself” in place of “me”. It would be more mature-like and sound better that way. Also “…dodged in out…” chuck a “and” in there to keep flow and avoid the tongue twister. Alright, now she is in a building? That looks like a major skip to me, I thought she was next to a road getting wet, and also, what is the NYU? Plus, the lady at the front office desk, when you describe her, it’s all statements, meaning you’re telling us, when your meant to show us, a common mistake for writers, even myself, to make. Showing isn’t that hard really, here’s an example for the old lady.

The lack of color was visible to all, and her pale eyes matched with her clothing and 50’s make-up made it easy for me to determine her age. Her face is full of experiences and personalise choice that may have ended well or not so much.

See how I avoided calling her old or just saying she had wrinkles? Show us through clever word play and your story will be more brighter and much more fun to read, not that it was bad it just needs some work.

Yours sincerely: ShannanGBurnett

Comment Swap.
Ok, so I actually really like this story. However, I'm rather confused... Chapter 3 is a touch perplexing. As we learned in Chapter 2, she was raped, then in 3 we come to find a different setting and a new cast of characters. I'm curious to see where this evolves to. I like Jacey's somewhat snarky personality as it gives her some realism and making her more than a one-sided character, which is nice.

Overall, I really like your writing style and am curious to see where you'll take this.

Comment swap.
So first I'd like to say Wow! You have a very smooth writing style. You have quite a way with words and it just makes the story flow and it makes you want to keep reading. Also I love your layout though I'm not sure what the banner has to do with the story.

OK. I like the fact that Jacey (cool name) or Jaidea (equally cool name) actually has a personality. She isn't the most likeable person in my book but I can kind of understand her. Just saying If she was real we deff wouldn't be friends because she just seems...a little bitter.
I liked the first chapter a lot. I like how she met Oliver. I didn't like the second chapter as much only because all she did was go get coffee but I guess we learned a little about her past so I won't complain as much. The third chapter confused the hell out of me. I'm just like wtf is going on?

She was raped but like what hell is this change in setting? Are we in the past? Who is Tyler? IS that her brother? Who is Garret?
At the end of chapter 2 it says caffeine will help jog her memory. Is she remembering this or is it happening because honestly I can't tell. If she is maybe I'm just slow but I think it's extremely confusing sry.

All in all I really like this story and I feel like it's going to grow into something amazing. I'm subbing and I can't wait to read more of this :)

I love this piece quite a bit, and the story is very intriguing. I also love the snarky main character and how honest she is. I also have a thing for personified emotions, so it made me very happy when you brought up Responsibility. I'm going to keep reading on this.
Write on!

This is quite an interesting piece. I don't normally enjoy this genre but I find your writing style and use of language eloquent, making the story alluring. It makes it hard to ignore-- one must learn more.

Recommended! :] Thank you for writing this, keep it going!

It has an interesting title, fitting a unique story. I think you have something good going here. I will say one of your strengths as a writer is the unique way you have of wording things - it's very poetic the way you describe things, and that's going to appeal to a lot of readers. I wish you the best of luck with this!

Your writing is beautiful! Usually I find first person child-like and stilted, but your writing flowed so wonderfully.

I love Jacey! She's so witty, but shes written in a way that the reader can see she has so deep-seated problems. I'm really curious about her situation!

Subbed.

(Comment Swap) this started out pretty nice, and I like the way you givre a hint on the chapter description, rather unusual, by my experience.
(Chapter 2)
Interesting vocabulary this started oput with, heavy with imagery. something you rarely see, or at least, I haven't.
"table for two near the bar" seems odd, needs some action, but the instant reaction may be wrong, as I red past.
You really filled the page with meaning here, maybe more so, then the PG are getting the full wift of?
Such rich prose, where every word holds more then it may seem.
Maybe I'm even coming back for more, even the swap aside?
This was truely unexpected, for a change, where the pase of the tale had been premium.
It's quite refreshing.
These words are not just counting letters, they're carrying a meaning, much like names.
Something to aspire to.
Even though I did not readthe other chapters right now, I hope there is more to this story, then the chapters listed at this point. Furthermore, I hope you have several more stories, in this spirit.
Maybe I'll find them too. And just as enjoyable a read.

Comment Swap.
Okay. So Before I get started I got to say! WHOA! I absolutely love it. Your writing is so poetic and it practically reads itself. :) I was hooked by the summary. WOW! I have never had that happen before.
I love the layout it is very calming and pretty.
Now, back to the story. I love the flow of not only words but paragraphs and such. I hope you continue. :)
Subscribed!
Recommending!

I really dig the layout [:
I also really love your story. It's got a very poetic word choice, which is awesome, and though sometimes it's hard to keep up because of some of the word choices, it doesn't detract from the quality :) I'm most definitely subscribing to this!

Oh, and since everyone else said, I'm gonna say it to lol I was brought here by comment swap, and I'm glad it did, because otherwise I might not have gotten to read it! :D

Keep up the good work and best of luck with the story.

First impression: Love the title and layout.
Chapter 1: I like the descriptions at the beginning about the “buildings scraping the sky” and “vain” woman with the umbrella and “it took a suicidal leap from my bag, dragging it with it a few incensed pens and papers.” I thought that was just genius. I was kind of confused about the min character’s name since in the summary her name is jacey but in the story she’s Jaidea. I didn’t think the whole syllabus was needed. I kind of skimmed over that because I didn’t think it added to the story. Oh and I kind of thought the thing with comparing the professor to an actor wasn’t needed. It lacks creativity.
Chapter 2: Still some brilliant vocab and descriptions. Plus, I’ve always wanted to go to NY so this was kind of like porn for me =]

Hey I'm here because of Comment Swap I'm glad it sent me to your story! I really do hope you keep this up; I think it's a really good story so far! I’m definitely going to recommend this story! I like the way you've rated each chapter, that's a great idea, well done on this story so far.

Layout:
I'm a huge fan of the layout, first of all. But as you can tell from my own profile and some of my story layouts I am a huge fan of damask and Victorian-looking patterns. I like the picture you've used as well. It is interesting.

Prologue:

I like how you list a lot of things and use a lot of adjectives, but I think that "rain and grumpy people" is the wrong part to make a fragment of since in order to do that, you had to cut off the previous sentence and make a fragment of it too. The two together read as kind of forced, but I know what you are trying to do here.

Chapter 1:

I'm enjoying reading about NYU. One of my best friends from my exchange year is currently going there. . .so it's nice to be reminded of her. I think that when you are talking about the vain woman you've forgotten the "not" in the part about her being vain enough to wear heels and pantyhose in rain but not bring an umbrella. I don't know if I fully believe in Mrs. Holloway's character though. She seems a little invasive of personal space to be a true New York City woman. But what do I know?

Chapter 2:

I'd love to hear a little more about what exactly English 227 at NYU is within the story. I think that would add some length to your story, but that's a good thing. . .to me anyway. *shifty eyes* I like how you've left us hanging with this guy with the interesting accent and lovely blue eyes.