Basic Anatomical Parts - Comments

First of all, I’m in love with the name Jacey. I’ve never actually met someone with that particular name, but it would be cool if I did. Secondly, your summary is very to the point and uncomplicated which is great because it doesn’t give too much away. You have just enough background information to keep the readers informed but interested. You also did a great job giving readers something to look forward to when you mentioned her stumbling into an unlikely friendship with Oliver. Just from the first paragraph, I can tell that Jacey is in for a bumpy ride.

First of all, I think the layout is quite nice; it’s just that the background pattern is too big. Maybe if you used something a little smaller..? And the colour of the chapter titles doesn’t really go, unless it’s matching with the waistband of her underwear, but you can’t really tell, and it looks slightly out of place. Aside from that, it’s a lovely layout.

In the summary it says she’s called Jacey but in the rest of the story you’ve used the name Jaidea so I think you should look over that.

I really like Jaidea’s character, because unlike most other characters, she isn’t perfect, and she isn’t one of those girls who just sit around thinking they’re ugly. Its very un-cliché, and therefore good.
The prospectus of the NYU English Department was a little too lengthy, and I doubt many people would read it properly- they’d probably just skim through it and not pay much attention to it. That isn’t a problem though, if there’s not much important information in it.

I like the irony with Oliver Trimble though, if it is irony you intended. You’ve described him as having blonde hair and blue eyes, features normally seen on a Prince Charming. Prince Charming are usually nice guys, but in the summary you’ve stated that he’s an old ‘friend’, which gives off the image that he’s not a nice guy at all.

Aside from the slight flaws mentioned above, I think it’s a really good story. Keep up the good work!

Confused? Who's confused? Not me. xD

Okay, I was a little. But I'm appreciating it more already. I can see the differences, and it makes me a little happier. Same personality, not quite so shallow. I think. Gotta read more to see that one, don't I? ;D

Firstly, the layout and banner for this are wonderful. The summary is concise, but it did give me a first impression of this character as being selfish and unsympathetic. I really hope this story starts with her learning a lesson, and then maybe looking back, because otherwise that's going to be a hurdle for me. At least you've used the summary to judge her behaviour, albeit in a humourous way, so that we're not necessarily being prodded into viewing this character as a hero.

Now that I've read the first chapter, I'm delighted to see that you've taken pretty much the ideal approach. You start out with a recount that puts this in perspective, and demonstrate that the character has learned and possibly redeemed herself. That's comforting. I do think that you break your paragraphs up a bit too much at the beginning of this chapter, so that it seems fractured, but the rest of it was okay. Mostly this is probably because the dialogue suits the fast pace. Some of your descriptions are a little vague, especially when you talk about the sky prodding the clouds, and I think you might benefit from more careful word choice. Otherwise, there isn't much to complain of.

I actually think your second chapter is better. It's more fleshed out, and not so rushed. I also enjoyed the description of the room with more desks than students. I'm not sure whether you needed to devote so much time to the classroom stuff, but I suppose that depends on how invested your readers feel by this point. Just be alert that it could come off as tedious. I also think you could easily break this chapter into two. It has a clear breaking point, where you use the divider, and is quite lengthy.

The third chapter is the last one I've read so far. It generally follows the same pattern as the first two, and I think the plot is progressing fine. The only thing that really stood out was that utterly enormous paragraph- that's like an impenetrable wall of text, and you should probably do something about it.

Overall, this is a well-plotted story, and pretty funny at times. I think it just suffers from a few stylistic things that are holding it back.

The whole deal between her and her mother and brother...shallow. Flat. Just...yeah. Typical and predictable. Try and work on that a bit more, yeah? I understand it's a narrative, so it's all from the m.c.'s p.o.v. but, you could try putting in more description with all the dialogue, that could make the scene a little fuller. Maybe her mother's screaming with tears in her eyes or something.

Seriously. I skim pure dialogue scenes. They bore me. And stereotypical parents/teenagers scenes. Because not even ABC TV shows have parent/teen relationships so flat and hateful.

Chapter One
A smart-ass remark (customary of the ones that used to land me in week-long detentions) plowed to the front of my mouth - I'm not a fan of people putting brackets around sentences when a comma would usually suffice. I think it's to do with the narration, we're already reading the story as told from the character's own mind - kinda thing, so we don't really need to have a thought within a thought, that's what it reads like to me. I don't know, I just find brackets a little funny looking in stories a lot of the time.

“Uh.” I blinked, swallowing it down and struggling for a kind word. - did she swallow the blink down? If not, the full stop needs to be a comma to show that the action is about the dialogue and the not the action following the dialogue.

So, my thoughts:
A) Really? (Note the sarcasm dripping from that word)
B) It’s a bloody fucking name, and
C) Give me my goddamn schedule, Lady! - I also feel that this doesn't quite work well within the structure of the chapter. You go from narrating to listing and while listing is obviously a form of literature and such, it generally looks better like really? with an a note of sarcasm, it's a bloody fucking name, and ........

Just from a first chapter, I kind of feel like the main character is someone that's not going to be entirely convincing. I think her sarcasm and narration is a little too uncalled for. There's not enough in the chapter to let the reader know why she's somewhat like that, she just is and it's not really doing anything for me as a reader. I'm also not sure how NYU administrators are, but it doesn't feel quite right? I don't know if that's because you haven't really explored the actual character and just provided a sarcastic view of her or not - or there's just a stereotypical old biddy of a woman - or what. :/ Or maybe it's because I've never encountered an over exuberant University administrator before.

Chapter Two
(that is, in people terms, not the two letters and accompanying numbers. I never understood the point of the EN102 or three or whatever it was for that specific class. Most of my classes were EN’s or something related; they are, naturally, the foundation of an English major.) - the whole brackets thing, and....I'm not clear on why she doesn't understand the whole course codes, I think that needs to be explained because from an English Lit major perspective.....it's pretty clear why there are course codes.

The professor, Mr. Farrell, - Professor's don't go by Mr, it's either Professor Farrell, Doctor Farrell, or first and last name.

He reminded me of the actor who plays Sandra Bullock’s - played

is the Elizabethan Age. Authors, please - playwrite/playwright, not author

up to make sure I hadn’t attraction the - attracted

His mother was British and his father was Australian. It was hard to pick out which he sounded more like when he spoke, but in the end, it didn’t matter, because his voice was simply sugar and spice, and everything nice. - if he lived in Australia, he'd sound like an Australian. If he lived in Britain, he'd sound British. If he lived in America the whole time....he'd have an American accent.

I think everything happens way too fast in this chapter. Suddenly she's at a class, and then suddenly she has a new (probable) love interest, then she's going out on the town and she's already getting into cat fights, in a way. It doesn't really work well. I think if you slowed it down and put more into describing the characters, the events in her life leading up to it and all, it would sound read a lot better. But at the moment it just reads like a transfer student with an obvious love interest and some bitch who might just get in the way at a later point in the story.

It just doesn't seem too developed at this point, and that's a shame, because that's only two chapters in, and I'm sure this could be pretty good and humorous, but it's just not there at this point. :/

But I will say that you do have some good moments of description hidden in the story. :)

There's something very interesting here and I'm not entirely sure exactly what it is just yet...your main character appears to have the possibility of complexity, though we're too early on to really be able to tell just yet - I have high hopes though.
I'm not really much of a Pete Wentz fan, although I like the character that you're creating - he seems intriguing at the very least. I'm refraining more detailed judgement until I see/hear/read more from him.
I'm unsure exactly where you're taking the story - it could go a lot of different directions, so I'm interested to see where you take it. I'm guessing she falls for Pete, leaving poor Seth, who actually seems a little bit too perfect at the moment, in her dust...
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Cheers!

Wonderful. You're good with the british slang too. I'm a little dubious about Pete, but it's your story. Your story that I'm reading.

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well I can see you made a pete wentz fan fic. Even though I have no idea which band he plays for. Moving right along.

I love how sarcastic she is. She reminds me of well me. Its a character that one can relate too. I do believe she is a little too bitter. As everything that happens that involves her she freaks out on the inside like with the secretary, she was giving her a complement. Kinda need to take a happy and chill pill.

I did not like your description of the professor. It seemed kind lazy as I haven't seen that movie, I would have described him a little more and then dropped the "he looked like such and such." Also did you write out that syllabus? Or did you copy and paste? I'm kinda going everywhere but I wanted to point things out.

Another thing I wanted to say was this is too good to be a fan fic. Now if you like writing fan fic that's fine but I would suggest making a new character and replacing him with Pete Wentz. Just make it more original eh?

These are my comments and suggestions. Take them or leave em, all up to you.

I cannot even come close to believing that there aren't any comments for this story. It's awesome! First of all, I love your writing style. It's simple without being too boring and detailed without sounding like you're overdoing it. Your phrases and sentences just mesh well together and move along and even your dialogue is flawless- not forced or awkward.

As for your characters, I adore Jaida. She's original and well developed and she does have noticeable faults, which is great to see. Miranda may be a little overdone in her ways, but that's not a really big deal.

I also love the plot. It somehow escapes the boring fanfic plots that always pop up and is original without being too weird.

All in all, it's a great story. Please write more of it.