When Moonlight Hits - Comments

Hi there!

So, I enjoyed reading this- you seem to have a plan on where you are going to take this story, which is definitely a good thing. Though you seem to know where you're going with it, don't let the grammar get lost along the way (i.e. comma use, excessive punctuation, unneeded punctuation). Subtlety is key.

Your characters are all very similar, as I've seen other people mention in the comments bellow. Give them personality traits that make them different. Quirks in body language, speech and even clothing can serve a character's individuality well.

Thanks for the comment swap! Good luck on this story, I hope it turns out well!

The layout is a bit... Um, plain? I guess. I don't like the black background and the blue hurts my eyes (or maybe I'm being a bit sensitive).

Like everyone below me says, the characters do blend together. Try giving them a little personality.

Your sentences are a bit choppy, and just try to get them a little more... Flowy-ish.

What I do is read my chapters aloud before I post them. Or have someone else read them and tell me what they think. Hope I helped!

I only read the first two chapters for now.

Layout: Okay i like the story area but the background is a bit strange. I am not quite sure how that ties into the story and it just makes me feel like the layout isn't quite balanced properly.

As for the story itself. I feel like your characters are a bit sketchy. I think there could be more effort into your characters. They just feel a little Mary-sue like to me. I suggest that you give them a few flaws maybe and try to tie in a general way that they are. The characters sorta blend together and I think that they should become separate people. In the next few chapters I suggest you go into their characters development a bit so we can be introduced to them personally.

Mary-Sue test <-- check this out.

Hopefully that helps a bit. Just my honest opinion.

As said in the review journal, I'm going to be blunt so if I offended you, it was not my intention.

Layout: I like the story area but that's it. The background just seemed random, it didn't do anything at all for me. I suggest you have either a dark background to contrast with the story area or a light story area if you want to keep the background.

Chapter One: There were a lot of choppy sentences that disrupted the flow of things. Mary Jane just seems like an overused name and it had a negative side to the story.

"It's time for you two sleepy heads to get up," she said pointing at me and Krissy.

You should reverse the places of me and Krissy.

"Why would you wake us up at..." Krissy stopped to look at the hour, "...Seven twenty-eight in the MORNING on a SATURDAY with cold water?!?"

You shouldn't add the last question mark at the end. It seems way more exaggerated than it needs to be.

"I't's...drum roll, please," Mary Jane and Rose started making drum sounds before screaming..."Vince's party of the year!"

I't's should just be It's. And what was Rose making drum sounds with? The bucket? Her thighs? The bed? What?

"Vince's party is in, like, a lot of hours from now," Krissy said. I threw my towel at her so she could dry herself up.

Krissy was pissed off at one point and using the verb said means she calm now. It makes me think she's either bi-polar or a drama queen. If she's going to still be mad, I suggest you use the word "snorted" or "sighed in aggravation".

"Yeah, and then we'll go to Vince's party and once it's over we have a sleepover at our appartment," said Rose, referring to her and Mary Jane. They both lived together, since they were cousins. They had their own appartment.

If they live together, then we know they already have their own apartment, you should take out the last sentence. It's choppy and just extra baggage.

"Please...," said Mary Jane. "It'll be fun." "Fine," Krissy said. "I'll get changed," I said.

You used 'said' a lot. There are other synonyms that mean the say thing but better the story amd get the emotion across.

It would sound better like: "Please," Mary Jane begged,"It'll be a lot of fun."
"Fine." Krissy sighed again in defeat.
"I'll go get changed." I mumbled.

I don't really like how they're so easily persuaded. Mary Jane is either manipulative or they have no power to say no to friends.

In Chapter Two, again you use 'said' a lot and it begins to get repetitive for the reader if it hasn't already. You shouldn't capitalize Living room and since we already know she's in the living room, you don't have to tell us twice.

In Chapter Three, you emphasize it too much. It should only either be "?!" or just one exclamation point.

Jay always calls me Nicki because I love this rapper/singing that is called Nicki Minaj and my name is Nicole and it kinda goes with my name.

This is a run on sentence and it glares at the reader. We've already established her name is Nicole, we don't need to know twice. And Nicki Minaj is more of a rapper not a singer.

The thing that aggravated me was how you kept asking for comments in every author's note. Try to refrain from doing so.

This story has potential. A lot actually but it's cliche with what seems like no twist at all, and has unlikeable characters. The only character I liked was Jay. That's it. If you want commenters, I suggest hiring a beta to help you with your story.

But overall, if you put more elbow grease to the story, it could unleash a whole lot of potential.

Okay, I'm going to be completely and utterly honest within this. I'm not trying to offend you nor hurt your feelings. The layout bores me, I'm not a fan of the pre-made layouts whatsoever. Don't worry though, because in the forums there's a thread where you can request custom made layouts if you're not capable of making them yourself. Next, the plot. It's pretty interesting but seems cliché in more ways than one. If you're careful though, it won't turn out that way. So really pay attention to how you write it if you want to avoid that. The characters are okay. I don't like Mary Jane whatsoever though. She pissed me off from the start in chapter one. She's just one of those annoying characters though, I guess. The others I haven't really got a good feel for. The main character seemed a little generic when you said she was a "t-shirt, ripped jeans, and sneakers sort of girl." I can't tell you how many characters I've read over the years that are "that" girl. You could describe her as "butchy" or "tom boyish" or even "plain" but anything besides that. I also noticed a lot of grammatical errors within the chapters. It disturbed the flow and structure of the story quite a bit. I'm a Grammar Nazi at its finest, though. I think it would be very helpful to you if you were to get a beta or an editor to help you out. Those can also be found in the forums. Overall, I see that this story has quite a bit of potential and really could be a great story with a little extra hard work. I wish you the best of luck with this story!